Tonight I went to dinner my with my best friend, Kelly, and her beautiful baby girl, Morgan.

I’ve mentioned before, but Morgan and I get along delightfully. I chalk it up to us both having super chubby thighs and eating everything in sight.

Also, most of the time Kelly has to act like my mother, since I tend to be a bit dramatic.

These days, I find myself getting a bit jealous of Morgan since she is getting taller and thinner. Must be nice . . .

I’ve found that for myself there is a fine line between grieving and moping. I enjoy being alone at this time, because I love thinking of my grandma and all the times I had with her. I almost enjoy feeling a bit ‘sad.’ But there are a few moments when I just don’t want to be alone.

There is something to be said about seeing a vibrant, cheerful baby after dealing with the death of a loved one.

Spending some time with Morgan, watching how alive she is, how happy she is, how beautiful she is – it really makes me appreciate the circle of life. We all have so much to live for.

Kelly and I were talking about saying ‘last goodbyes’ to loved ones before they pass away, and were wondering if anyone in my family feels that they did not say a proper goodbye.

My grandma had an all-star weekend before she passed. On Friday night she and my grandpa had a date night. Saturday, she spent the day with myself, my husband, and my parents, shopping at her favorite places and eating chocolate. That night before we left, she also gave my mom and I some items and dishes to have for our own homes – that truly brought her joy.

On Sunday, she went to church with my grandpa and spent the day at a friend’s baby’s baptism, where she celebrated new life. And on Monday, her last day here, she made my grandpa take her out in the cold to give communion to shut-ins in a local nursing home, and saw my dad, her first-born, a few hours before she passed away.

I have to admit, I am not necessarily sad that I did not say the words ‘goodbye.’ I think the last goodbye we shared was one of the most memorable day’s I have ever spent with her. Sometimes I wish that I had told her more of how I felt about her – how selfless and amazing she was, what an incredible role model she is, and how she makes me want to be a better person, daughter, wife, and someday, mother.

I am the most sad that my dad no longer has a mother here. Because, let’s be honest – there is no one else in the world like your mom. And after my grandma, my dad is probably my next favorite person on earth.

And while it is hard to lose someone so suddenly – someone who was so full of life – I think most of us are just incredibly grateful that we got to spend so much of our time, lives, and memorable moments with her, because so many are not that fortunate.

These beauties made me feel a little more alive tonight, a little less empty, and little more excited about what my future holds.

I can’t really imagine much of my future with my grandma, but I can’t stop it from happening either.

I will say that I feel ‘safer.’ I feel like she is literally watching over me. I feel like she will always make sure I am alright and everything in my life is alright, even when it may not always be easy.

And that’s a nice feeling to have.

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30 Responses to “In The Care Of Friends.”

  1. #
    Nicole @ Making Good Choices — February 23, 2010 @ 6:49 pm

    So beautifully written and so full of emotion. I love reading your writing. It is so true a beautiful, happy, vibrant child can bring smiles and laughter. Your grandma is without a doubt watching over you always. It is nice to know an angel in heaven, I have found. and you can always talk to them, I find myself doing it in the car, (especially when I need a good parking spot).


  2. #
    Allie (Live Laugh Eat) — February 23, 2010 @ 6:49 pm

    May your grandma rest in peace. She IS watching over you and will always be by your side. Hang in there and keep your head up high, Jessica.


  3. #
    Evan Thomas — February 23, 2010 @ 6:54 pm

    Aww, it will get easier in time, trust me.
    Every time I see a cardinal, I can’t help but feel like it’s my grandfather checking in on me. Keep a look out for your “cardinal”


  4. #
    Anna @ Newlywed, Newly Veg — February 23, 2010 @ 6:58 pm

    This is such a beautiful post. You’re right– there’s something about spending time with young ones during the grieving process that somehow alleviates some of the pain and brings hope to the heart again.

    Stay strong, Jessica. I’m thinking of you.


  5. #
    Estela @ Weekly Bite — February 23, 2010 @ 7:03 pm

    What a lovely post!

    It’s so true about babie/children being vibrant and happy. If I’m feeling down, I just look at my daughter and she’s smiling and laughing. It always lifts me up!


  6. #
    Naomi(onefitfoodie) — February 23, 2010 @ 7:04 pm

    such a beautiful post and love the pictures jessica :) they made me so happy inside.

    time will heal all. Pictures and memories will keep her alive :)


  7. #
    Mellissa — February 23, 2010 @ 7:38 pm

    I am sitting here with tears running down my face reading this. I lost my grandma almost 3 years ago and still think about her quite often. I copied this post and sent it to my Mom so she could read what you had written.

    Thank you.


  8. #
    Cheryl — February 23, 2010 @ 7:44 pm

    A beautiful post! Your grandmother will live on in you and others in your family:)


  9. #
    Abby — February 23, 2010 @ 7:58 pm

    This was beautiful, Jess! Your grandmother was a wonderful lady full of so much life. It’s wonderful that she has such a great granddaughter to keep that energy and love alive.


  10. #
    Tina — February 23, 2010 @ 8:10 pm

    What a lovely post. Your grandmother definitely ended her life in this world on a high note…and things are only better for her now. And just think of all the blessings she brought to your life. She seems to be an amazing woman and someone to treasure having had in your life. :)


  11. #
    Jolene ( — February 23, 2010 @ 8:48 pm

    Morgan is absolutely precious! This post touched my heart.


  12. #
    christie @ honoring health — February 24, 2010 @ 4:12 am

    What a beautiful post. I’m so glad your grandma was able to live out her last few days doing such wonderful things with the people she loved.


  13. #
    homecookedem — February 24, 2010 @ 4:51 am

    Beautiful post full of so much love. Thank you for sharing it with us and inspiring us to slow down and spend time with the people we love.


  14. #
    Fit Chick in the City — February 24, 2010 @ 5:06 am

    As many others have said, this is a beautifully written post! Morgan is gorgeous and I’m glad she showed you some joy in the midst of your sorrow. Babies really help put things into perspective during some of the most important times.


  15. #
    The Candid RD — February 24, 2010 @ 6:31 am

    What a great way to look at it. I have lost each of my grandparents, and I always think they are watching over me. Sometimes I think about it when I am doing bad things…like drinking too much (I think of my Italian grandma pointing her finger at me and saying shame on you!) but other times when I am doing good things, I think of all of them smiling at me and being proud.
    I’m glad you are taking this well and healing as days go by. It’s so fantastic that your grandma spend her last days so vibrant and happy. I hope I am that lucky.
    Your friend’s daughter is so precious.


  16. #
    Kacy — February 24, 2010 @ 6:34 am

    She is watching over you. And I think the fact that you guys spent that amazing day together shows how much God’s hand plays into our lives. How precious that you have that memory, and that she left this world full of joy and happiness.

    And Morgan is absolutely adorable!


  17. #
    Ally @ Sweet & Savory — February 24, 2010 @ 7:09 am

    I agree, there is nothing better to “lighten the mood” than an adorable baby. I look at my 5 mo. old son and his smile, and it just makes the day all that much better:)


  18. #
    Crystal — February 24, 2010 @ 8:33 am

    What a beautiful post, hang in there!


  19. #
    MelissaNibbles — February 24, 2010 @ 9:14 am

    Your grandmother is looking down on you with pride and love. Live your life to the fullest in her honor. I’m glad you got out and were able to enjoy a fun time with your friend and her baby.


  20. #
    Amanda — February 24, 2010 @ 10:06 am

    This was hard to read, but I know even harder to endure… you are so sweet and kind and compassionate, and I love how much you love. Your grandma was so blessed to have the best grand-daughter ever. And I really appreicate how you see the joy in a childs eyes… and learn from it. You are so special Jessica!

    Much love to you!


  21. #
    stephchows — February 24, 2010 @ 10:11 am

    Beautiful sad and uplifting all at once. Sending good thoughts your way to you and your family.


  22. #
    Deb (SmoothieGirlEatsToo) — February 24, 2010 @ 11:50 pm

    What a lovely post. How neat that she gave you and your mom some of her precious items on the last day you would see her. I know you’ll treasure those so very much.

    She is definitely watching over you, and I’m sure she’s very proud.


  23. #
    Shannon — February 25, 2010 @ 4:37 am

    What a beautiful little girl! I’m glad she brightened up you sad week.

    Your grandma definitely knew how much you loved her. I am so glad you have such happy memories of you last weekend together. She sounds like someone who lived a full life, right up to the last minute! We should all live that way :)


  24. #
    carolinebee — February 25, 2010 @ 7:02 am

    **hugs** :)


  25. #
    Jenny — February 25, 2010 @ 7:31 am

    Beautiful post. I am so glad you have friends to be with you in the times you need them. And personally, I believe that your grandmother now knows all of the things you wish you could have said to her. In fact, there is no doubt in my mind that she has gotten to read and experience every one of your beautiful posts since her passing.


  26. #
    Katharine — February 25, 2010 @ 1:25 pm

    Beautiful! Thank you for sharing this – I’m glad you were able to find some smiles. :)


  27. #
    heather — February 27, 2010 @ 7:47 pm

    i am so proud of you. SO VERY proud.


  28. #
    Kelly @ Healthy Living With Kelly — March 4, 2010 @ 4:06 pm

    This was a beautiful story Jessica. My heart goes out to you and it sounds like you are coming closer and closer to finding your peace.


  29. #
    Sarah — March 4, 2010 @ 9:31 pm

    Ditto, that was beautiful Jessica. :) I’m so sorry about your loss. :( God is watching over you, and He really does care. Cast all your burdens on Him, and He WILL sustain you! You’re gonna make it. You’ll get through this. It’s true; life isn’t always easy, but God didn’t promise that life would be easy. But He does promise that with Him it’ll be worth it.

    Btw, this reminds me of my Dad’s story. You can read it here if you want: I still get teary-eyed every time I read it, lol.


  30. #
    Jessica — October 29, 2010 @ 11:49 am

    Jessica – this afternoon at work has been slow and somewhat painful… We are waiting for our server to get fixed… I found your blog from a comment you made on joy the baker. And I wanted you to know how happy I am to find your blog. I love how you write about fitness, and trying to eat healthy and your husband (my boyfriend is a Ginger too!). I read from your most recent fit post until this one and this post was coming because of something earlier you said about momma Lovett. Reading about your grandmother brought tears to my eyes (especially the goodbye paragraph.) I, just like you, hope I can grow up to be as amazing as my grandmother. Thank you so much for showing that part of your life and everything else!


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