You know, I’ve determined that Target is totally out to get me.
It’s like every single thing they do was done for me. Made for me. Marketed for my brain. Sprayed it the air for my sense of smell. From the moment I walk in the dumb store and see the dollar bins with the brightest, glitteriest, pinkest pencils and plastic necklaces and heart-covered Chinese take-out boxes and lime green whistles and polka dotted sets of jacks, directly across from swim suits assaulting my eyes in December but adorned with the most adorable gems and jewels and fringe only suited for a 14-year old’s body, I’m done for.
I have a 23-second conversation with myself over whether or not I should grab a shopping cart, to which I usually decide against (don’t they all SQUEAK?) but then have to give in 20 minutes later as I attempt to walk a few hundred feet back to the front of the store with my arms already loaded down with a scarf, purse I don’t need, two pairs of sunglasses, denim shirt I would never buy elsewhere, an aqua sweatshirt with sparkles and a pair of velvet wedges that I don’t really love but have talked to myself into because they are like only $15. The cart is necessary at this point because I haven’t even made it to the huge rom-com display and doesn’t everyone need How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days and Bring It On on DVD?
In case you are wondering, the answer is yes. They are on sale anyway.
After a few more twirls around the store, I start to feel incredibly terrible about myself because I don’t have a creative brain to use any of their adorable and semi-affordable decor due to my huge lack of interior design skills, nor do I have any desire or ability to scrapbook but have you even seeeeen all of those stickers? They have ones with pizza and tacos and shoes and lipstick and flowers and cuddly puppies, which happen to be right next to the brightly colored card stock and neon post-it’s. The scrapbook and greeting card aisle: otherwise known as where estrogen-laced emotions go to die.
I definitely can’t pass up the clearance racks on the end of each food aisle because they have amazing things like expired gum and Halloween sprinkles and make-your-own-hot-fudge-sundae kits that in the moment, seem imperative to my existence.
Right… like you’ve never done the same.
And don’t even get me started on their seasonal dishware and accessories, which fly off the shelves within minutes because everyone needs towels with hearts on them and a set of six bowls in gradient ombre purples. They just match last year’s ombre baby blues so perfectly. Um and we aren’t even going to discuss the beauty/cosmetics section because… yeah. Just no. I’ve lost my soul in between the loofahs and lipgloss one too many times.
In fact, that’s exactly how I ended up with these heart-shaped cookie cutters. Why I, who has the patience of a toddler when it comes to cookie baking, thought that heart-shaped cookie cutters would be an asset in my kitchen… I have no idea. You are correct in thinking that I only purchased this little plastic set because I am a marketer’s dream and well, a set of multicolored – heck, even multitextured – hearts could never be seen by my immature eye and simply left on the shelf. It’s quite pathetic. And so very me.
I mean, I don’t really know what’s worse than that.
Except, maybe… making pink strawberry scones with coconut milk and covering them in an even pinker glaze and topping them with bright sprinkles and… and…
Sprinkled Strawberry Coconut Milk Scones
Yield: makes about 16 scones
Total Time: 30 minutes
1 1/2 cups chopped fresh strawberries
3 1/4 cups flour
1/3 cup granulated sugar
2 1/2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon baking soda
1/2 teaspoon salt
3/4 cups cold butter, cut into pieces
1 cup canned coconut milk + 1 tablespoon
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
3 tablespoons melted butter
1 cup powdered sugar
Preheat oven to 425 degrees. Add strawberries with 1 tablespoons of water to a blender or a food processor and blend until smoooth and pureed. Pour into a large bowl, reserving 1/3 cup and set both aside.
In large bowl combine flour, sugar, salt, baking soda and powder. Using your fingers, a fork or a pastry blender, cut in butter until it forms coarse crumbs. Stir in coconut milk, 1/3 cup of strawberry puree and vanilla extract. Stir with a spoon until a dough forms, using your hands to bring it together. Turn onto a lightly floured surface and knead gently.
Divide in half and pat into two 7-inch round circles. Brush each dough with melted butter. Cut into 6 or 8 wedges, or use a biscuit cutter to make rounds.
Bake for 12-14 minutes (wedges) or 9-11 minutes (rounds). While scones are baking, take 3 tablespoons of the strawberry puree, 1 tablespoon of coconut milk and the powdered sugar, whisking together until smooth and glaze-like. If glaze seems too thin, add in sugar 1 tablespoon at a time. If it seems too thick, add more coconut milk 1/2 teaspoon at a time. The key is to stir well for a few minutes. The consistency and measurements may differ based on how juicy your strawberries are.
Remove scones, let cool slightly, then drizzle on strawberry glaze and top with sprinkles.
[adapted from my favorite scone recipe]
I will never learn.