Chocolate Cream Slab Pie.

What a name.

I don’t really want to consume something with the word “slab” in it, but I guess it’s a thing now. A thing for lots of people. This pie can feed your entire family. It’s your go-to Christmas dessert if you can’t stomach one more cookie. Or if you just want to get it all done, like NOW.

Don’t fear the slab. It’s just code for holy-cow-this-is-a-boatload-of-pie. Pie that can feed the stream of people that come to your house for the holidays. Yes. SO easy.

Hold on though. I have a major issue at the moment. My fridge is so stuffed with pie that I don’t know what to do with myself. You probably shouldn’t make a pie that feeds like twenty people if you live in a home of two people. My fridge is developing a muffin top. Spoiler alert: if you’re in my life, you’re getting pie this weekend. Act surprised!

The good news is I’ve had lots of pie for breakfast.

The bad news is I still have lots of pie for breakfast. halp me.

So here’s the deal. I’ll make it quick since it’s Friday: (probably not.)

I made mother lovett’s pie crust. You can make a real pie crust or buy one from the store (or probably two, since this is gigantic). You want to bake it first, and I don’t know jack about pies but I believe this is called blind baking. I basically had to open every bag of dried beans I had in my possession to weigh this sucker down.

I promise, it’s worth it. Swear.

However, you could also make a graham cracker crust. I die for graham crusts. I didn’t make one here because I wanted to be able to slice these in a pretty manner. Sometimes graham crusts can be finicky. If you want to make one, add a bunch of graham crumbs and melted butter together until it tastes good and seems to stick.

At least that’s what I do.

The filling is a homemade chocolate pudding with some fresh whipped cream folded in. It’s insanely heavenly. I could not stop eating it. UGH. Holidaze.

The topping is just more fresh whipped cream. And some chocolate shavings or sprinkles or whatever the heck you feel like doing. Oddly enough, this isn’t overly sweet. I think it’s the combination of the regular pie crust and the whipped cream that isn’t super sugar-laden. The chocolate center is rich, but the bottom and top layers even it out.

Do you know what they are like? PIE BROWNIES! Yes.

Let’s make THAT a thing. Pie brownies.

As long as you refrigerate it for the recommended amount of time, these slice up so nicely. You want to keep them in the fridge for as long as you can before serving due to the whipped cream, but once you slice – wowza. So pretty and fancy. Use a sharp knife. Make pretty squares. Serve them to friends. Get popular!

You win at life now.


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Chocolate Cream Slab Pie

Yield: serves at least 12+

Total Time: 6 hours (lots of down time)

Ingredients:

1 pie crust (I used that entire recipe, you can use a store-bought crust, graham crust, etc)
2 cups sugar
3 1/2 cups cold heavy cream
1 1/2 cups buttermilk
1/3 cup cornstarch
1 pinch salt
8 egg yolks
8 ounces high-quality chocolate, chopped
2 tablespoons butter
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1/4 cup powdered sugar
chocolate shavings or sprinkles for topping

Directions:

Preheat your oven to 400 degrees F. Roll your pie crust out onto an 18x13-inch baking sheet. I used a full batch of the pie crust above, which resulted in a slightly thicker crust. You could use half the batch and make a thinner crust. Place a piece of parchment paper over the pie dough and cover the top with pie weights or dried beans. Bake the crust for 20 to 30 minutes, or until it's just slightly golden and flakey. Remove from the over and let the crust cool completely.

Add the sugar, 1 1/2 cups heavy cream, buttermilk, cornstarch and salt to a large saucepan over medium heat. Whisk until the sugar dissolves. Bring the mixture to a boil, stirring occasionally, until it thickens slightly, about 5 minutes. Reduce the mixture to a simmer and cook for another 5 minutes, stirring occasionally.

Place the egg yolks in a bowl and lightly beat them. Steam 1/2 cup of the warm milk mixture into the egg yolks while stirring constantly. Pour the egg yolk mixture back into the saucepan with the milk and heat over medium heat, stirring constantly. Stir until it is combined and very think, about 2 to 3 minutes. Remove the mixture from the heat and pour it into a bowl. Stir in the chocolate, butter and vanilla until it is melted and combined. Place a piece of plastic wrap directly on top of the chocolate pudding and stick it in the fridge for 30 minutes.

Add the remaining cold heavy cream to the bowl of your electric mixer and beat on medium high speed until peaks form. Add in the powdered sugar and beat until combined. Remove pudding from the fridge and fold 1/2 cup of the whipped cream into the chocolate. Stick the remaining whipped cream in the fridge. Spread the chocolate evenly over the pie crust. Refrigerate the pie for at least 4 hours before serving. Right before serving, spread the whipped cream on top and cover with some chocolate shavings or sprinkles.

[adapted from emeril]

I just can’t.