Let’s pretend that swimsuits aren’t out yet at Target.
Because then we don’t have to worry about eating this entire batch of bars.
They’re kind of addicting.
Sort of like Target.
You know, there’s granola bars and then there’s like healthier granola bars. These are not that.
The healthy ones, that is. Think dessert granola bars. Isn’t that fun!
But does it even really matter? Because while it’s been at least 15 years, I still want my stupid granola bars to taste like those delicious quaker chewy versions that could be found in abundance in school lunches circa 1999.
Ugh. They are darn good. And isn’t there a s’mores version? And a million other wonderful flavors? That’s what I’m going for.
The worst part about homemade granola bars is that everyone wants a chewy granola bar and I think that everyone (because I can apparently speak for the universe) holds the texture of their current bar against that of the chewy version from their tweenhood. The bars that were so chewy, when you pulled them apart it was almost like marshmallow (or something else sticky, yeah) gooeyness.
Why can’t those identical things be created in a kitchen? I know why. It begins with a P and ends in reservative. Life’s not fair.
I do have a somewhat chewy good-for-you granola bar recipe in my cookbook. It’s delicious and chewy but also has nut butter, and for once in my life, I’m not feeling that at the moment.
This recipe, on the other hand, is filled with wonderful things that promote the soft chewiness like butter and sugar and honey. And a chocolate drizzle because why not a chocolate drizzle.
But. Then swimsuits are out at T to the arget and I want all parts of summer but that and probably shouldn’t have three bars for a snack.
Even though there are so many cute ones that I like, OMG. Swimsuits, that is. Target and their mystical brainwashing and binge shopping air flow. Sneaks into the head.
Speaking of OMGs, I’ve had the lyrics “she was like oh my god/this is my song/I’ve been listening to the radio all night long/sitting ‘round waitin’ for it to come on” in my head for over THREE days. That Luke Bryan knows what he’s doing. Or at least his songwriters do. Because if you’re like me, aka in the percentage of the stereotypical millennial general female population, those song lyrics are exactly how you speak and you actually think OMG, this is my song.
So I figured I’d try to brainwash you with these granola bars, since we’ve already been brainwashed by chewy bars anyway.
It no doubt is a continuation of my pistachio freak out obsession. Which makes me feel incredibly old, because I like to think that only old people like nuts. Or things with nuts.
Or ice cream with nuts.
I can say this because I am starting to like things with nuts. If you like things with nuts, I’m starting to get it.
If you ever see me order a butter pecan ice cream cone though, please just drive me to the nearest assisted living community. It’s college for seniors, after all.
I basically belong there already.
Want to know something nuts, all puns intended? I took one of these bars for my breakfast on a plane last week and the person sitting next to me asked if I had another one. Either they had guts at 7AM or these just looked ridiculously good.
I’m going with the latter.
I’m quite curious about this person that asked a stranger for a snack though.
Yield: makes at least 12 bars
Total Time: 1 hour
4 cups rolled oats
1 cup whole wheat pastry flour
1/2 cup salted pistachios, chopped
1/2 cup almond flour
1/2 cup shredded coconut
1/3 cup brown sugar
1 teaspoon baking soda
8 tablespoons unsalted butter
1/4 cup coconut oil
1/2 cup honey
2 tablespoons vanilla bean paste
3/4 cup chocolate chips
2 tablespoons coconut oil
Preheat the oven to 325 degrees F. Spray a 9x13 inch dish with nonstick spray.
In a large bowl, combine the oats, flour, pistachios, almond flour, coconut, brown sugar and baking soda. Stir well to mix.
In a saucepan, combine the butter, coconut oil, honey and vanilla bean paste. Heat over low heat until the butter and oil melts, stirring the mixture together. Pour the butter mixture over the dry ingredients, stirring well until the entire thing is moistened. You don't want any dry oat parts. Press the mixture in the greased dish and smooth the top with the back of a spoon. Bake for 18 minutes, or until the top is slightly golden and the bars are set. Allow to cool completely before slicing into bars. You can drizzle the chocolate on top before or after cutting - you can also dip them.
Melt the chocolate chips in the microwave or a double boiler on the stovetop, stirring to fully melt the chocolate. Stir in the coconut oil and continue to mix until it's melted. Drizzle the chocolate over top or dip the bars in the chocolate.
[adapted from allrecipes]
if you need me I’ll probably be in Target. (feign shock please)