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Mr. How Sweet Cooks Up a Treat.

February 15, 2010 · 66 comments

As Valentine’s Day came barreling towards Mr. How Sweet, he was faced with a familiar problem…what to get his beautiful bride?


Normally I would just get her something shiny as that usually distracts her.  “Oh, look, there are SEQUINS on that blouse!!!  Aren’t they AMAZING?  Those are the BEST sequins ever!”


Fact: Guys don’t care about sequins.  As least guys not named Elton John.


I thought a great treat for the wifey would be if I made her dinner and wrote a post for her blog.  But what to make?  Our taste buds don’t always see eye-to-eye.  Her tastes are a little more refined than yours truly.  Mine, well, they’ve been compared to those of a 5 year old.  Chicken nuggets and mac-n-cheese…don’t mind if I do, thank you very much.


What meal could satisfy her refined, yet picky (“no” to chicken or vegetables, “yes” to bacon and cheese… and bacon) tastes and my requirements of 200 protein grams in one sitting?  After much soul searching and head-pounding-against-a-desk I had a vision.  A filet-mignon-with-lobster-sauce vision.  I mean, I’ve tackled (and mastered) dippy eggs and toasted bagels.  I was now ready for a challenge.


After stopping at the grocery store where I required some assistance (What the deuce is a ‘tarragon’?  And where does one find it?).  I returned home and reached for the most important ingredient.  Filet, you ask?  No.  Lobster?  Nope.  Mass amounts of butter?  Not yet.  The first thing I grabbed was the Ketel One.  Just a nip to take the edge off.

Then I was ready.


Being a man and having no use for recipes, I skipped the first step, feeling it was more of a suggestion than a requirement.  Cook lobster?  I don’t have time for that.  I’ve got bigger things on my plate than silly directions.  There is Daytona 500 practice on the Speed channel in HD.  There are questions that need answered, like how is Dale Jr, running?  And how is Elliot Sadler’s ride, as he was my pick in the pool I’m in at work?  I’ve got my drink.  I am watching racing.  Life is good but it feels as though I’m missing something…what could that be?  Oh snap!  How about getting back to cooking?!?!


I head back to the kitchen to slice shallots and chop cloves of garlic and squeeze fresh lemons for juice.  *yawn*  But not once do I consider boiling the lobster tails.  After a review of the recipe it dawns upon me that I may have sort-of, kinda missed a step.  I *beep* *beep* throw it into reverse and return to step #1.  Unfortunately, I had already cut the meat from the tail and placed the shell pieces in melted butter.  So I did what any red-blooded man would do…I brought a skillet of water to a boil and threw the lobster meat into that.  Why a skillet?  Because it was sitting there from my breakfast that morning.



As I watched the clock I knew I was close on time.  I didn’t want the wife to get home from work to see lobster meat boiling in water in a skillet because, quite frankly, I knew it was wrong and I would have to hear comments like, “what would you do without me?”


“Oh, I don’t know, maybe live my life without a closet full of Carlos Santana and BCBG Max Azria shoes and not be forced to watch Dirty Dancing.”


Funny thing is, she asks questions like this all the time but never thinks my answers are as funny as I do.


3 minutes left on the timer and who do I see pulling into the driveway?  Why, it’s my lovely wife.  No matter how fast I want that clock to tick down to zero before she comes bouncing up the stairs, it’s just not going to happen.  And I am way too anal retentive to take the skillet off before time is up.  I mean, it says right there on the step that I finally chose to read to boil for 13 minutes.  Not 12 1/2 minutes, but 13.


She looks at the mess in the kitchen that is normally reserved for the weekends when she has prepared a couple of dinners for us and all of my lunches for the week.  But this was only one meal.  Actually, it was just the sauce for one meal and by my count, I have used a skillet, scissors, a pan, several bowls of various sizes, 2 different knives, 3 spoons and multiple cutting boards.  She asks if she can help.  I lie and tell her I’m fine as I want to prepare this meal on my own for her.


After assessing all of the damage, err…cooking I’ve done, I decide it’s time for another drink while I wait for the lobster butter to cool and before I start the vinegar and shallot reduction.  The butter cools, my drink chills as I add more ice, and I begin the next phase which includes me beating egg yolks and lemon juice like they were a foster child.  Actually, you are supposed to whisk, not beat but I’m not going to let correct terminology stand in the way of a good joke.


At this point things start to pick up speed.  Jess steps in to assist with cutting the sweet potatoes for the side.  It’s not an official meal to me if I don’t have a side dish.  When those are done are roasting, in goes the filet to broil.  Out it comes 12 minutes later cooked to a perfect medium-rare and we enjoy our first grown-up meal that I have ever cooked.




I hope you had as wonderful of a Valentine’s Day as my sweetheart and I did!

{ 66 comments }

Mr. How Sweet It Is.

January 27, 2010 · 102 comments

 

(Remember a few weeks ago when my brother wrote a guest post? Well, someone was feeling left out. Please take a moment to read a bit about my stuffed-turkey loving husband. He took his own pictures, going great lengths to take them in natural light. He didn’t want to feel my wrath.)

 

 

Once my awesome brother-in-law Will wrote a guest post, I knew that I now had a destiny.  I too must write one.  It is not for competitive reasons but rather to set this blog right.  Will, as charming as he is (approximately 3 times more charming than Jess but only 1/3 as charming as the other brother-in-law) missed the goal of his post.  He wanted to make this a manly blog, bringing some much needed testosterone….and he ends up turning this into an eHarmony ad with some ground turkey and a dash of taco seasoning.  If you have not read his post, you must check it out.  It’s hilarious and captures Will’s spirit to a T.  If you are single (or even if you aren’t – I don’t judge.), Will is a catch and won’t be on the market long so contact him today.  You aren’t getting any younger, you know.

Anyway, obviously Jess not asking me – her hubby – to write a post must have been an oversight.  One that needed corrected.  So I took it upon myself to write one.  But what would the topic be?  Ground turkey tacos?  Been there.  The awesomeness of my NASCAR die casts? Done that. My mounted wild turkey trophy?  Bought the t-shirt.

(Correction:  I was probably too drunk to buy the t-shirt.)

I decided to tackle the subject of many of Jess’s tweets and snide comments – my behavior in the mornings.  Some could describe my mornings in two words:  Train wreck.Your browser may not support display of this image.

 
 
 
 

Another good comparison would be that of a bear waking up from hibernation.Your browser may not support display of this image.

 

 
 
 

 

Pictured below are some of the walls I walk into and steps I stumble down on a daily basis.

 
 
 

 

 
 
 
Look…a crock pot sitting on the floor to kick.
 
 
 

 

 
 
 

 

Oddly, this appeared in the middle of the floor at about the same time I informed Jess that we now had life insurance policies and I was probably worth more to her dead than alive.  Coincidence?  You be the judge.

By this point of the morning, I’m hungry.  I’ve overcome countless booby traps and I need to get my protein on.  I mean, I haven’t eaten in like 8 hours.  I’m a huge fan of charities that feed the hungry because I know what its like to be hungry.  In fact, I’m hungry right now.

You are already aware that I go through phases where I eat the same thing over and over again.  But that was when I was single and had to cook for myself.  Now that I’m married, I have variety.  (Note to Will:  don’t write-off getting married.  But never marry someone that grew up in a house that had a cleaning lady.  Did I just say that?) You get to eat cool stuff, like lobster mac-n-cheese and whole wheat breaded crispy chicken.  It tastes just like Long John Silver’s. If there is a bigger compliment, I do not know what it is.  Just sayin’, Will.

However, I still eat the same thing over and over for breakfast because someone does not want to wake at the butt crack of dawn to make me breakfast.  Well, right now, I’m in an eggs-and-bagel-for-breakfast phase.  And since this is a food blog, I’ll share my special recipe with you, my fans.

 

First, I take three jumbo eggs.

 
Why jumbo?  Because I don’t have ready access to ostrich eggs.  If there were bigger eggs at the grocery store, I’d get them.  Bigger eggs = more protein.
 
 
 

 

Next, I Pam the bejesus out of the griddle.

 
 
 

 

Fact: every square millimeter must be Pam’ed.  If you are not going through at least a can of Pam/week, you are not doing it right.  As soon as Jess starts going to Sam’s Club she can critique how much Pam I use.  At 5:00AM.

Next, set the temperature on high.  The higher the better.

Fact: the hotter the pan or oven or griddle or stove gets the faster the food cooks.  I’m all about the numbers.  If you are supposed to cook something at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, it only makes numerical sense to cook it at 400 degrees for just under 26 minutes.  14% increase in temperature = 14% less cooking time.  It’s true.  I saw that on Rachel Ray once.  She mentioned it once while talking about EVOO.  Or maybe it was Giada.

OK, let’s be honest, I don’t hear a word Giada says.  Hi Giada.  Call me.

 

Breaks eggs and slightly pepper.

 
 
 

 

Can’t you just smell the pepperness?

Now it gets tricky.  It’s 5:10AM.  I’m still technically asleep.  I have a smokin’ hot griddle going and now I’m going to work the toaster.  I have what, in my hands, can only be described as two weapons of mass destruction going.  That’s right ladies.  Men can multi-task.  You heard it here first.  But don’t ask us to listen to what your saying while there’s a football game on.  Or hockey game.   Or NASCAR race.  Or midget wrestling.

 
Once the eggs have been flipped and are done and the bagel is toasted, I put a small amount of butter on the bagel to add flavor.
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 

 

After that, I devour it in approximately 2.2 seconds.

That’s it.

To be honest, I enjoyed blogging.

It’s really hard.  I had to work at it all day long, but it left me satisfied and smiling.

That’s what she said.

{ 102 comments }

How MEAT It Is.

January 14, 2010 · 112 comments

(My brother, Will, is filling in for me today while I’m doing important things like eating and sleeping. I highly suggest you read the entire post. He took his own pictures, too.

Enjoy. :) )

 

 

That’s right, I’ve got the keys to the car. My sister approached me months ago about writing a guest post for her blog. To be honest with you, I’ve just been so busy playing video games and drinking beer working, that I just never got around to it. But the mini smores tarts were the last straw. Even though I’m the guy who gets to eat all the stuff you see on this blog, it’s just getting too girly for me. So literally and figuratively we’re going to BEEF it up with some man food.

 

First, let me fill you in on where I’m coming from. I’m Will. I’m a 25-year-old single man living on the South Side of Pittsburgh. I recently completed my Master’s degree in Systematic Theology from Duquesne University. I’m in the process of applying to doctoral programs with aspiring dreams of educating your sons and daughters at the college level some day. Currently, I work at the Rink at PPG place in downtown Pittsburgh driving the Zamboni and in the summer I work at a public Golf course south of Pittsburgh (I’m an 8 handicap ((that’s really good)). In my 25 years of existence, I’ve learned that there are really only 2 things in this world that I love: The game of hockey and my family.

 

 

 

 

Recap: 25, single, bachelors pad on the South Side, well educated, zamboni-driving, golf ball smackin’, and hockey loving, humble, family man. And you’re about to find out that I can cook. So if all the cute girls that comment on this blog would please get my contact information off of Jess, we can stop playing these silly games and go out on our date already.

 

So what does a single man eat? Well friends, I’m going to take you a little south of the border for some Ground Turkey Tacos. Turkey meat satisfies a man’s need for biting into a dead animal and is also lean and healthy. This is quick and easy for a guy to cook and sautéing the vegetables make your kitchen smell really good. For me, I’ve found that smell is half the battle. If it smells good I can probably choke it down, unlike other members of my family who inhale every piece of food placed in front of them tend to be pickier. To my fellow gentlemen out there: cook this meal for your wife, girlfriend, or significant other and you will score major points. I know from experience think most ladies would be very appreciative.

 

So let’s get started with the prep work. I like to use my favorite kitchen appliance, the mini food processor knife.

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All men need a knife rack. Knives are cool, plain and simple. Shiny + Sharp = Testosterone.

 

We’re going to use our handy, dandy knife to finely chop our veggies. First we have some red onion.

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Yeah, so maybe I cried when I cut the onion. Does it make me less of a man? No. Everyone needs a good cry every now and then. Just not in front of anyone. Believe me, my tears were the manliest tears ever cried.

 

Next came some fresh garlic cloves.

This was organic, local garlic from Whole Foods. True Story: Last year, I took a course in Catholic Social Ethics. We discussed the importance of buying organic and local produce because it helps the farmers directly within your community and not some big money corporate garlic farm. We could actually tie organic farming to the story of creation in the bible and man’s task to “subdue the earth.” I think that’s neat. I’m also a bible nerd. Moving on…

 

I sauteed some red and green pepper. 

I love the smell these veggies give off when you cut them. What I don’t like about the peppers is when they aren’t chopped fine enough the skin tends to peel off and gets stuck in my teeth. Life’s tough – get a toothpick.

 

“Everyone gets to know each other in the pot.”

 pot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s a quote from the greatest show on TV, The Office, when Kevin cooks chili. Go watch it immediately. I’ll wait…

 

You’re welcome. Now that you’ve got all these veggies hanging out on your stove add a little olive oil and toss it around on low heat. Stand over the skillet, inhale, and let your sense of smell get rocked.

 

Okay men, it’s meat time. Grab your ground turkey.

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I could eat this every day if I had to. It’s great as a burger. It’s great as a taco. It’s great as a hunk of meat with your favorite kind of condiment. I notice my sister always blasts her husband because he used to eat this every day. I guess when you’re not married, you can eat whatever you want and no one judges you. When you’re married you have to put your stuffed turkey in the back bedroom and your professional wrestler posters in the garage.

Note to self: never get married.

 

Also to appease your sister, who is obsessed with the highest standard of health who only wants the best for you, please buy 99% Fat Free.

 will5

 

Add your FAT FREE meat into the skillet with the veggies. I think that cooking the meat on medium heat works best, because it allows the meat to absorb all the flavors of the veggies. But hey, what do I know? Mix it up:

 turk

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I’m sure there is some time limit to adhere to before seasoning the meat. But I’m a man and I don’t know what it is. I do things when the mood strikes, not on a set schedule. I improvise when I cook. That’s probably not a good thing when you’re writing for someone who has Obsessive Compulsive disorder about every little detail that involves every aspect of her life who has a lovely blog about cooking. I think that’s my signal to season the meat.

 will8

 

I know, I know, Jess always seasons her meat from scratch. I’m not on that level. Ortega makes this delightful little packet that lets me just dump in the perfect amount. My mom taught me that shoving this in your mouth after you season it is like watching the today show and finding out what survivor was voted off before you watched the episode on your DVR- it leaves you completely unsatisfied. (Survivor is a great show. I don’t care what any of you say. If I have one major vice it’s bad reality television. I’m a sucker for it. Don’t judge me foodies.) So for the love of reality TV suspense, let the meat season.

 

This is just coming along lovely. You’re probably thinking, “Hey man, this is just meat and veggies with generic seasoning in pan on your stove. I feel deprived.” Well blog reader, I’m about to rock your world with some black beans.

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Black beans for all you gringos out there. These aren’t just any black beans though, I like to buy the black beans with jalapeño flavoring. It gives it just an extra kick. I always make sure to drain the black beans before I add them to the meat. Nobody like’s a sloppy taco…

 

That’s what she said. Yea I just went there.

 

By now you’re probably wondering “How awesome is Will and where are we going to put our meat and beans?” Well my friends, my taco of choice is the whole-wheat tortilla. I mean, come on, we already had the 99% Fat Free lean ground turkey, why not commit to your healthy meal with the whole-wheat tortilla.

 will10

 

 After all it’s what Jess wouldn’t would do.

 

Meat? Check. Veggies? Check. Beans? Check. Whole Wheat Tortilla? Check. Sounds like a complete meal, right? Sorry, Charlie, but it’s time to man up. I need a little help from my man Frank.

 redhot

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I dare you to name something that Frank’s Red Hot is not good on. If you even try to say there is something that Frank’s Red Hot doesn’t improve I will stab you in the jaw. Just come look for me on the South Side. I’ll be the guy stabbing jaws.

 

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Your final product should look a little something like this.

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Even if you have been annoyed with this entire post, you can at least give me an A for presentation. But reality check, you find me 3 times as charming as my sister and wish I had a blog too. (It’s a good thing you you’ve never met the younger brother because he’s 3 times as charming as me. Which would make him 6 times as charming as Jess. Or Jess’s charming ability cubed? My eyes just went crossed.)

 

Finally, you cannot enjoy your manly meal without an adult beverage.

 will13

 

You probably thought I was going to say beer, huh? I’m just full of surprises. I love a little Jack and Coke. I’m cultured. It is also ten times better than my fruity sister and her wine drinking.

 

This is when Jess usually recaps her ingredients and recipe. Well I don’t really have a recipe, because I’m a man. That’s how men cook. But knowing how controlling organized she is, she probably will add it in on her own accord. Like her husband, I’ll just let her do whatever she wants.

 

I hope you enjoy this manly, healthy, quick meal. I’m surprised Jess let me post here because this is her baby. To be honest, I’ll be even more surprised if you’re still reading. I probably just ruined the blog. But hey, if I changed at least one life, allowed one man who regularly stumbles upon this blog to feel a slight rush of testosterone when thinking about cooking, then I have succeeded.

 

Good luck & God Speed.

 

Will

{ 112 comments }