It’s the day after Christmas and now it’s time to delve

into all of those recipes that failed before 2012.

Remember 2010 and what a journey it was?

Well this is no different – you might want a buzz.

The first major mishap wasn’t realllllly my fault,

but it brought that whole weekend to an absolute halt.

This stupid pan of brownies decided to explode

and I can’t even tell you how much that blowed.

Easter came quickly within a snap,

and one thing we learned… I can’t dip cake pops for crap.

They get oooey and gooey and messy and weird,

and for someone impatient they should be feared.

Summer drew closer and I craved cupcakes,

of the lemon and strawberry flavor – not fakes.

But they sunk in the middle like big, sandy holes

and by this point in May I was ready to toss all my goals.

The cake above worked – it’s a miracle, behold!

But as you can see, someone should have patrolled

my kitchen, my fridge and the utensil drawer

just to keep me away so I fit through the door.

Remember the pizza for breakfast that I cooked with my man?

besides almost divorcing, we at least got a tan.

It was so sunny and hot and the egg rolled off the grill

FIVE times in a row it took a big spill.

I decided to make pizza puff thingamajigs.

I figured they’d be delicious and we’d inhale them like pigs.

But they turned out disgusting and dry and so plain

and by this point I was wondering if I had a brain.

Before I left on vacation I tried to make bread.

It was banana split flavored and would get me ahead.

But it sank and was mushy and awfully gross.

How was it possible I didn’t even come close?

Around the same time I butchered a friend’s recipe.

She makes basil squash cakes and fries them in ghee.

Well that was a mess since I tried my own little twist…

which left me starving and empty and pretty much pissed.

But wait! This looks good right? With ice cream galore?

Nope… not at all… a complete total snore.

Apple pie blondies is what I pursued,

but the only way these would work is if they were glued.

Over the course of the year I made three pieces of pork.

You’d think with our “relationship” I’d dig in with a fork.

But they were all dry and disappointing to boot,

and have you tried to take pictures? Pork’s anything but cute.

Then I made cheesy breadsticks but they were a fail,

and yet somehow I found myself able to inhale.

But they stuck to the pan and were generally dry,

soon enough though… these are getting another try.

In September I raved about cauliflower soup,

we ate it at Habitat and it threw us both for a loop.

So I made some at home but it looks just like paste…

FYI: next time… this will be right in your face.

Oh! And then there were brownies with green minty booze

which were awesome and led me to buy five pairs of shoes.

But as you can see, the first batch was quite spongey,

and I was THISCLOSE to taking an unharnessed bungee.

Here we have chicken with some sort of crust

and cheese that looks gummy and not at all robust.

It was our anniversary dinner that I tried to recreate,

but it failed and I said, “Trash? Say hi to this plate.”

And just last week when I made wine-soaked risotto?

My camera almost broke as I attempted that photo.

I tried it in the crockpot and it all turned to mush,

then I seriously cried because I’m such a lush.


So as you can see I am anything but an ace,

it’s failures and mess-ups I constantly chase.

But just when I think I’m ready to throw in all in,

I manage to make something that makes us all grin.


It’s frustrating and annoying and equally blahhhh

but then there’s those moments that makes you go “aha!”

And I have to admit, I do it all for you

but if there’s a perk for me? It’s that I get to chew.