just when i thought i couldn’t possible write more about being pregnant… (2300 words. sorry.)

I cannot belieeeeeeve I’m going to have a baby in a few weeks. Like really, I cannot believe it. I cannot fathom it. It’s like I’m outside of my body and watching the entire thing happen because I really just don’t get it?

And I totally just ate chex-mix for lunch so seriously, how can I be a mom soon?

Do as I say, not as I do?

I’m also convinced that he or she will come any day now since I’m still so unprepared.

Okay, not TOTALLY unprepared, I guess I’m just not a normal person and don’t have a nursery done, don’t have a bag packed, don’t have things organized, etc? In my last post I mentioned that the nursery furniture wouldn’t be here until late November, so the baby’s room is still just kind of… filled with a bunch of random baby stuff. I don’t have any clothes washed or anything. I see many women who are 20 weeks pregnant and already have this stuff completely finished. I’m like whaaaaaat. What’s wrong with me.

I know that I don’t really even need all that *stuff.* We mostly have everything we “need,” I just have to finish sorting/washing/preparing in the next few weeks. The nursery is not even painted and I don’t have one single thing to hang on the walls, so I’m hoping to do that too. My friend Lisa has been a lifesaver in that area and keeps saying “you only need a week!” and it makes me feel semi-normal and like it’s doable. Once the nursery is all set up, I’ll certainly show you some photos but it could be after the baby is here.

I will tell you this: the theme is mostly centered on books and Shel Silverstein. When I came up with the idea, I pretty much burst into tears because it felt so RIGHT and was like childhood all over again. GAH. I can’t even wait.

The two things that we don’t have yet are a baby monitor and a stroller. I’m leaning towards one of the motorola monitors, but give me your input! Reading reviews is a nightmare because they are always split down the middle and I get so hung up on one negative one out of thirty positives. It also seems like these monitors all break within a year so that totally blows.

I mentioned weeks ago that we were leaning towards the Uppababy stroller and I think that is probably what we will go with. I’ve been researching them a bunch and at some point, we will purchase it. I did buy a snap and go stroller (in the midst of having a meltdown of omgIhavenothingforthebaby!!!) for around $60 at Target and have heard great things and witnessed a few in action.

Yesterday I did have a momentary lapse when I saw a Stokke stroller at Nordstrom and immediately started to freak over how chic it was and the gorgeous design and fabric and what not. It just looked AWESOME. But after reading about it for a few hours I was finding more negatives than positives and definitely more positives about the Uppababy stroller (like SPACE to lug snacks and crap!) overall.

Did I really just write paragraphs about strollers? I don’t know what my life is.

One more thing: I’m planning on using this as my diaper bag. I completely copied the idea from my cousin’s best friend. The bag is soft (and I wanted something black to hide dirt) and seems easily clean-able. It has zippered pouches inside too. I really love it so we’ll see how it goes.

As for how I’m feeling… I’m still feeling really good. This baby moves constantly and sometimes the kicks are so strong that I end up doubling over a little. It’s nuts. I feel so insanely lucky, grateful and am in constant disbelief of how fortunate I have been the last few weeks, or should I say the entire second and third trimesters. I say this, not to brag, but because I truly feel it since I know how difficult pregnancy can be for tons of people. No swelling, no heartburn, no over-tiredness or anything. I really thought I would be the opposite and would have all of those things happening, but I also always assume the worst because I’m a headcase. I was mostly just very afraid of these things happening due to the hectic travel and the fear of something happening while I was away by myself.

I’m well aware (and even prepared?) for these (and more uncomfortable) things to happen in the last few weeks, but I’m just taking the days as they come. I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again – the crazy schedule I’ve had has prevented me from obsessing or focusing on one thing very heavily, and for me I think that has been key. We took our child birth classes at the beginning of the second trimester and have somewhat prepared in a few ways, but in other ways? I haven’t even thought about giving birth. As in, worried about it or freaked over it. This is probably terrible of me but I get can O.B.S.E.S.S.I.V.E. so for my mental health, this has been wonderful.

I do feel a bit uncomfortable after I eat – even if it’s not that much. I’m so short that sometimes when I sit I feel like the bump is up in my neck and face (like when I was trying to sit cross-legged and carve a pumpkin last week!) and that it’s just all… over me. After long days on my feet, like maybe eight or ten hours, I sometimes have pain right around my tailbone, but it’s nothing excruciating. When 9PM hits, I can’t wait to get on the couch and do some busy work and watch TV. That’s been my routine. I still don’t sleep much… but I’ve never slept much. Like ever. Many times I wish sleep didn’t even exist so I could just get things done all the time and be out living. Even though that is the case, I knoooow I’ll be begging for sleep in a matter of weeks.

With that being said, I still don’t 100% love being physically pregnant. I like it – which surprises me. I love it in the fact that I’m going to have a baby and I hope that I can have a lot more. I love it in the sense that I feel lucky that I get to be pregnant, that my body has been good to me. But I don’t feel like myself physically or emotionally. Last month I started feeling very down in the dumps one day for zero reason at all. It snowballed and the next six days I was full of anger and hate and awfulness and depression. Total mess. I could NOT get myself out of it! It scared the crap out of me – 1. thinking that it might continue until I gave birth (it did go away, thank goodness) and 2. increased my already very real fears of the postpartum period.

Umm… pretty sure Eddie didn’t even know WHAT to do with me. Or himself. My mom came over and I just stood in the kitchen screaming, haha. I was a cahrazy person. I mean, very often I’m always all up in my own head but this was hormones to another LEVEL. Looking back on it now, it was quite hilarious. (but not really.)

If anything, that week reminded me that if I am not active and not exercising and find myself eating garbage, that I will feel like garbage. Duh. I learned this long ago but it was a good reminder to be back on track and be PRESENT about how I’m treating my body. With the last month of travel most formal workouts continued to go by the wayside, but there is rarely a moment that I’m sitting around. If it’s possible, I’ve been more active this pregnancy then I was before. That has REALLY helped me feel good.

Stuff I’m wearing and loving? Mostly the same stuff I mentioned weeks ago. On days when I’m working at home and running around, I’m still living in my very old and very non-maternity lululemon wunder unders (crops and full length) and athleta metro pants (again, crops and full length). They are so comfortable. I’m still loving all the tops at athleta and they stretch so perfectly with the bump. By some miracle of God I can still wear my normal jeans (I love the american eagle jeggings) with a belly band. I have no idea how this is possible and I think my entire family is in shock too, haha. Man, it’s a fabulous thing to not have to hold in your stomach or worry about unbuttoning your jeans after a giant meal.

Speaking of, I can finally say with certainty that my appetite is HERE! It’s back and I feel slightly more normal than I did the first 30 weeks of pregnancy when I wasn’t ever hungry. I still cannot eat anywhere near the amount of food that I could before, but this has been an incredible 34+ weeks of intuitive eating. I love it. I’m hoping it’s been an awesome refresher lesson and when I’m no longer pregnant, I don’t start eating like a teenage boy.

Eddie is so excited – in fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him so excited and RELAXED and calm about anything. He is not scared or nervous at all.  I’m actually blown away at both of our attitudes about the entire thing. Instead of being the typical first born, type A, psycho freaks that we normally are, we’ve been pretty laid back and cool about the last 20ish weeks. Besides my first trimester when I was a complete basketcase full of fear THE ENTIRE TIME. In the very early days of my pregnancy, I mentioned that I read one book, the panic free pregnancy. It was either in that book or somewhere else that I read the line about “pregnancy not being an illness” and just being another stage of life. I obviously KNEW this, but reading it at the time really settled in my brain and I believe that not changing my routines, not physically restricting myself and continuing to do almost everything I’ve always done (with the except of super hot yoga – WAH!) has also been really beneficial.

We know that our lives are going to hugely change and we are completely expecting it, but other than that, we don’t have any expectations – good or bad. We’re ready for it! Maybe it’s because we are kind of… old(er)? Ha.

What else? Last weekend was baby shower weekend! It was such an incredible day with family and friends. I only almost cried about 37.4 times.

The shower was at Avenue B and oh my gosh… we had the best food ever. Obviously I need to tell you about that part. I was way too much in the moment that I forgot to snap a photo of the menu, but it started with roasted pear and gorgonzola flatbreads and butternut squash soup shooters with maple crème fraiche. Salad was an apple, endive and pomegranate salad with honey sage vinaigrette. The entrée choices were breakfast risotto (which I got below, and which came complete with pancetta, pork belly AND maple sausage), grilled shrimp, white cheddar and kale quiche with smoked tomato hot sauce, arctic char with leeks, mushrooms, farro and black garlic aioli or roast chicken with squash cavatelli and arugula pesto.

DEAD. It was so, so good.

Oh oh! And we also had this cider punch which was to die for. They sent me home with some leftovers – which we promptly devoured on Halloween. I’m currently trying to recreate this because 1. it was so fantastic and 2. it’s non-alcoholic but can easily be boozed up. Total crowd pleaser. It’s more “autumn-y” than apple cider-y, so I think it will be ideal for Thanksgiving. Hopefully I’ll have the recipe up in a week or two.

For dessert, we had the most neon funfetti cupcakes and mini donuts and these blinged out bon bons that Lacy brought. Hello, dream come true. All I want is to eat glitter and neon. They were perfection. (and from bella christies and lil’ z’s, for you locals!)

Annnd we did little succulents as the favors tied in sparkly jewel toned ribbon (with a tiny note attached to “nourish as baby grows”), which aren’t exactly seasonally appropriate but were so adorable. And somewhat useful/decorative I guess? I know so often that favors just get left on the table, so I loved this idea.

I do have to tell you: if you follow me on Twitter, a few weeks ago I mentioned finding this unicorn rocker. AHHHH. It was so cute. I’ve never been overly concerned about gender stereotypes and am certainly not worried about them, but for a moment it did cross my mind that it might be… “too girly.” Everyone on twitter said “to hell with stereotypes!” (I agree) and I also texted me brother to hear his thoughts, to which he immediately said “ummm I would have loved that freaking unicorn!”

So that was that, and I was planning on buying it for the nursery once things were set up. WELL. My brothers bought it for me and gave it to me at the shower and I couldn’t believe it. It is SO cute. Eddie loves it, probably because it sort of looks like a horse. Sometimes I just go upstairs and stare at it’s adorableness. And for some reason, just the fact that it’s from my brothers? Makes it even more special. Cue emotional meltdown.

Okay I need to be done. I realize I have a blog which can be a very vain and narcissistic thing at times but this post seems *extra* all about me so I feel like a rambly jerk. And at the same time, I wanted to do a knocked up update. Thank you so much for reading this ridiculous 2338 word vomit with large blocks of text. My specialty!!