How Sweet It Is

Tonight I went to dinner my with my best friend, Kelly, and her beautiful baby girl, Morgan.

I’ve mentioned before, but Morgan and I get along delightfully. I chalk it up to us both having super chubby thighs and eating everything in sight.

Also, most of the time Kelly has to act like my mother, since I tend to be a bit dramatic.

These days, I find myself getting a bit jealous of Morgan since she is getting taller and thinner. Must be nice . . .

I’ve found that for myself there is a fine line between grieving and moping. I enjoy being alone at this time, because I love thinking of my grandma and all the times I had with her. I almost enjoy feeling a bit ’sad.’ But there are a few moments when I just don’t want to be alone.

There is something to be said about seeing a vibrant, cheerful baby after dealing with the death of a loved one.

Spending some time with Morgan, watching how alive she is, how happy she is, how beautiful she is – it really makes me appreciate the circle of life. We all have so much to live for.

Kelly and I were talking about saying ‘last goodbyes’ to loved ones before they pass away, and were wondering if anyone in my family feels that they did not say a proper goodbye.

My grandma had an all-star weekend before she passed. On Friday night she and my grandpa had a date night. Saturday, she spent the day with myself, my husband, and my parents, shopping at her favorite places and eating chocolate. That night before we left, she also gave my mom and I some items and dishes to have for our own homes – that truly brought her joy.

On Sunday, she went to church with my grandpa and spent the day at a friend’s baby’s baptism, where she celebrated new life. And on Monday, her last day here, she made my grandpa take her out in the cold to give communion to shut-ins in a local nursing home, and saw my dad, her first-born, a few hours before she passed away.

I have to admit, I am not necessarily sad that I did not say the words ‘goodbye.’ I think the last goodbye we shared was one of the most memorable day’s I have ever spent with her. Sometimes I wish that I had told her more of how I felt about her – how selfless and amazing she was, what an incredible role model she is, and how she makes me want to be a better person, daughter, wife, and someday, mother.

I am the most sad that my dad no longer has a mother here. Because, let’s be honest – there is no one else in the world like your mom. And after my grandma, my dad is probably my next favorite person on earth.

And while it is hard to lose someone so suddenly – someone who was so full of life – I think most of us are just incredibly grateful that we got to spend so much of our time, lives, and memorable moments with her, because so many are not that fortunate.

These beauties made me feel a little more alive tonight, a little less empty, and little more excited about what my future holds.

I can’t really imagine much of my future with my grandma, but I can’t stop it from happening either.

I will say that I feel ’safer.’ I feel like she is literally watching over me. I feel like she will always make sure I am alright and everything in my life is alright, even when it may not always be easy.

And that’s a nice feeling to have.

Saturday afternoon, my husband and I did away with our usual late-morning gym and lounging plans for the day. Instead, we spent the entire day with my grandparents and my parents, as a Valentine’s Day celebration. I have never been so thankful for anything in my life – that I spent one of my grandmother’s last days with her.

We had a late lunch at Houlihans, who, by the way, had a fabulous new menu. I ordered fried pickles and french fries with gravy as my meal – probably not the most lady-like item on the menu. It was the simple things that day that I remember so vividly – her buying her favorite soap at Crabtree and Evelyn, and us eating Godiva truffles that my hubby, dad, and grandpa had waited in the treacherous pre-Valentine’s Day line just to buy for us. We walked through Talbots – her favorite store – and Williams Sonoma – my favorite store. That evening after we drove back to their house, we relaxed while I layed on her couch before leaving.

I have spoke so much of Mother Lovett on my blog. Writing about her comes easily to me.

It has been hard for me to even find the words to write about my other grandmother, because even speaking about her the last few years has choked me up. Perhaps it is because I am reluctantly growing up and realizing what she means to me. Perhaps it is because she has just been too perfect for words.

This morning when I recieved the call, it was like all breath had been taken from me. I had a relationship with her that was unlike any other I share with anyone else. She was mine. Growing up, she was my favorite person on Earth. She was my favorite everything. At the time, it was because she was pretty, younger than Mother Lovett, and did fun things. As I grew older, I learned than she wasn’t just pretty, young, and fun – she was an amazing and strong woman.

I know that is said about many women, especially after they pass away. I wish I could express how different the word means here. She was the most selfless person I knew, next to my dad – who learned it from her. While I am very grateful that I got all of this time with her, my heart is completely broken. I wish I could find more words.

My grandfather found her peacefully this morning after 57 years of marriage. 57 years. Fifty-seven.

They were the perfect example of a strong, loving marriage. Growing up, I wanted what they had. I wanted the love that I saw in the marriage. I wanted the companionship, the respect, the service, and the passion. The minute my husband met them, he saw it, too. He wants it, too. They took care of each other. They lived for each other.

I want her grace. Her class. I want to carry myself the way she carried herself. I want her beauty. I want her unwavering faith.

Most of all, I just want to hear her voice. Just one last time. Her voice was so soothing to me. As I sit here now, holding a scarf that smells like her, I’m afraid I will forget her voice. She always gave the best advice, usually when it wasn’t asked for. She would speak softly and tell it like it is. When I spent months complaining about our apartment that I hated, she told me to stop. Who is going to remind me to stay strong for my husband, especially in the tough times?

I know she knew how I felt about her. I just wish I would have told her more. I told everyone else – anyone who would listen, but I didn’t tell her. So many times I thought about sending her a little note in the mail, just to know how she has changed my life. But, like so many other things in live, I failed to get around to it.

Grandma,

I just wanted to let you know what an amazing, incredible person I think you are. I love you so much. Since I have grown up and have got married, I have seen even more what a true, selfless woman you are. I have never seen someone give so much of herself to others, and ask or expect nothing in return. I hope someday to be exactly like you. I want to carry myself with class and grace, just as you do. I guess I should start by swapping my sweat pants for skirts and appreciating the smaller things in life. You are my one, true inspiration. I pray that one day I am the mother, wife and grandmother that you were to all of us. I am so very grateful to have you in my life.

Love,

Jessie

Yesterday, I commented on Pioneer Woman’s blog about how I had recently lost Mother Lovett and couldn’t imagine my life without a grandmother in it – thank goodness I still had one.

Tonight as I lay here, I have none. I have lost both in 9 months, including my husband’s grandmother who passed away last month. I don’t usually question God and I understand the circle of life. I have a pretty strong faith myself. But this has rocked me to my core. I knew it would be hard when the time came, but I thought I had 10-15 years left with her.

I have said it a million times today. I just can’t believe it. I never thought this day would come. I guess I thought putting it in writing would help me believe it, but I still can’t believe it. I can’t imagine life without her.

I know.

This too shall pass. . .

As you can probably guess, we do a lot of cooking in this house. Well, I do a lot of cooking. Unless you count heating up Trader Joe’s frozen chicken or making a peanut butter-covered english muffin cooking.

And I do most of the shopping, too. Mostly because I love to spend money, and when I send my husband to the store in search of things like pancetta and creme fraiche, he calls me about 16 times from the store insisting those products don’t exist.

Since we both have full time jobs, it is really important for us to plan ahead and prepare in order to eat healthy. We never eat out. Especially lunch – I never go out to lunch, my husband rarely does. We may go out once or twice a month for dinner, but I get too excited in the kitchen otherwise. Plus, I’d rather spend my money on gruyere cheese, expensive shoes, and Mac makeup. I’ve got my priorities straight.

So, how do we do it? Plan and prepare!

Decide ahead of time. I usually plan out our lunches and dinners for the upcoming week at some point on the weekend. I usually plan on 3 dinners and 3 lunches, because we usually have leftovers to fill the other slots. Many of these are the same things – for instance, my husband went through a period of eating chicken, pasta, and veggies for lunch for 4 months. He doesn’t really exemplify diversity, does he?

Take inventory. I check our black hole of darkness and grocery-store-in-a-drawer, otherwise known as our fridge and pantry, for what we have. I note all of the ingredients we have for the planned meals. This is KEY. It really helps us save money and avoid having 92 cans of black beans at once. It also shortens the grocery tips.

Always make a list. It never fails – if I forget my list, I always forget something. I always make a list of things I need, and I usually do it in order of how I shop – produce, meats, dairy, grains, then canned/frozen goods, condiments, and anything else in the aisles. This saves me time and money. I also try to go to the grocery store on any day but Sunday. It is packed and I tend to lose my temper and have a hissy fit mid-shop.

Buy in bulk. We buy certain things in bulk, especially when they are on sale. This includes cereals, water or bottled drinks, and meats that freeze for future use. When it comes to produce, I usually buy 3 days worth. After 3 days, I may have to hit the store really quickly for a few perishable items – like fruit, veggies (not really, since I hate them), and seafood.

On Sunday’s, I prepare 2-3 lunches for the upcoming week. Occasionally I will prepare dinners, but I actually enjoying coming home in the evening and cooking. Most of the time, I cook dinner at night. I also wash fruit/veggies, freeze meats/meals for the future, and pre-package snacks.

Certain snacks that I pre-package are things like cereals, trail mixes, yogurt mix-ins, and nut butters. First, it controls portion size, and second, it is easy to grab and go. I do not like to prepare food in the morning, unless I am immediately eating it.

Planning the meals

When it comes to choosing and planning the actual meals, I tend to plan around protein. I eat some protein at each meal – it keeps me feeling MUCH fuller than a meal without protein. I also feel more alert, more energetic, and not weighed down. It also keeps my husband from having a no-protein nervous breakdown.

I tend to choose these foods from each group – they are what makes me feel great, and what I enjoy the most.

Proteins – these are true protein sources, meaning the protein count is higher than the fat/carb count.

lean meats

seafood

eggs

greek yogurt/cottage cheese

protein powders

Starchy Complex Carbs

potatoes – all varieties

whole wheat pastas

whole wheat bread products

brown rice/couscous

quinoa

high-fiber, low-sugar cereals

beans

Healthy Fats

oils

nut butters

full-fat cheeses

bacon (can’t live without it!)

desserts (see below)

Fruits and Veggies – we aim for 6-8 servings of these a day.

Dessert – I always plan for some kind of sweet treat everyday so I don’t feel deprived. This usually falls in the fats/carbs category.

Of course these lists are not all inclusive – I am just giving you a few examples.

Whatever your goals may be – losing, gaining, or maintaining weight, it is important to have a healthy, realistic balance. It MUST be something you can stick to. In reality, it all comes down to calories. If you are in a consistent calorie deficit, you will lose weight. If you consistently eat more calories than you burn, you will gain weight. If you want to gain muscle, they are steps to take to do just that. That is a whole ‘nother can of worms.

I plan most meals, but do not eat on a super strict schedule. Since I do not have the luxury of staying home all day, I plan 3-4 balanced meals/snacks to take with me. I eat when I am hungry. Sometimes I eat it all, sometimes I don’t eat every meal. Regardless, I always have enough food. I’d rather be over-prepared, than end up starving and eating junk food.

How I do it: I plan for 4-5 meals each day, beginning with protein. An example:

Breakfast – eggs

Snack – protein powder

Lunch – chicken

Snack – greek yogurt

Dinner – fish

Obviously, I get more specific, such as ’salmon’ for fish. Once I plan out my protein for the day, I incorporate other items, condiments, seasonings, etc:

Breakfast – eggs, oatmeal, peanut butter, banana

Snack – protein powder, skim milk, blueberries, spinach, nut butter

Lunch – chicken, black beans, salad, oil for dressing, piece of chocolate

Snack – greek yogurt, strawberries, cereal

Dinner – fish, soup, rice, corn, salad on side, dressing

Dessert – few pieces of chocolate

I do pay attention to the foods that have a great combination of protein and carbs, like beans and quinoa, and protein and fat, like nut butter and cheese. I often have snacks that incorporate both, like fruit with nut butter and whole wheat wraps with beans.

I get bored very easily, so I rarely eat the same thing twice. My husband loves to eat the same thing over again, so I use my weekly-creative streak on myself.

Meal planning and preparing does take work, but once you get the hang of it, it can be done in a snap. I spend maybe 1-2 hours preparing our food for the week. I think that is more than worth it, considering it provides us with healthy choices. I do look forward to the day where I can hopefully stay at home, and have a bit more creative freedom throughout the day.

This is what works best for me – and by no means do I think this is the only way to have a healthy diet. We have had success with it and I wanted to share my tips and tricks.

Do you plan and prepare your meals?

At 21 years old, I went to the doctor for my annual check-up.  I always had a level of anxiety at the doctor, because I am was convinced something had to be wrong with me. Besides my loopy mind.

The appointment went fine up until the end, when the doctor felt my thyroid and said it felt enlarged. I knew nothing of thyroid disease, so I asked her what this meant. Her response? ‘Well, you could have nodules and they could be cancerous.’ Great bedside manner, right?

So after days of crying and weeks of flipping out, blood tests, sonograms, and nuclear medicine scans, I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism – more specifically, Hashimoto’s Disease.

My initial thought was that I had an answer. This must be why I have always had a difficult time losing weight, right? I had exercised consistently for years, but had always remained on the ‘thicker’ side. I was proportionate, but plump, usually outweighing most people my age.

My second thought was that I had an excuse. For 4 years I had wanted to train for a fitness competition. However, I just couldn’t lose the weight. I tried. I remember fearing that hypothyroidism would hold me back from ever competing. So instead of push forward with the rigorous training and try, I accepted that I probably would not ever be lean enough to compete.

My pre-diagnosis situation was different.

I had no symptoms prior. No lethargy, no hair loss, no rapid weight gain or loss. I began medication and remember feeling slightly more alert, but it was most likely just in my head. I still didn’t lose any weight.

I had done my research and and knew that going on medication was not an answer to weight loss, but I secretly hoped that it would be – at least a little bit. It never was.

That is when I took my head out of my arse. I was honest with myself. It wasn’t the hypothyroidism that kept me ‘thick,’ it was the copious amounts of junk food that I enjoyed in between my healthy meals. And the 3-day splurges I would have on the weekend where I basically consumed sugary cereals, dinners out, and late-night snacking.

I learned that hypothyroidism was not an excuse to lead an unhealthy life.

Over the last 5 years, I’ve had numerous clients and members of the gym sit down during our first training session and tell me that they have a thyroid issue. That it is the reason they have been unsuccessful in losing weight.

Even once I tell them that I also have a thyroid condition, some still ‘assume’ that it must be a mild case, or I must only survive on lettuce.

The truth is – losing weight is hard any way you play it. It is much easier to find an excuse to the excess weight than to find motivation after work to get moving and exercise. It is difficult to change years of behavior for something that most think is less appealing.

And even though there are books, TV shows, bloggers, and countless sources of information that tell us how losing weight can be fun, it is tough! Especially when you have a medical condition that is known for weight gain, or the prevention of weight loss.

I want everyone to know that it can be done. If you really and truly want it, it can be done – thyroid disease or not. I am hesitant to list the symptoms of thyroid disease because if you are loopy like me, these symptoms will make you think you have a thyroid problem.

I have read before that there are millions living with thyroid disease and it often goes undiagnosed. There is also much controversy surrounding medication and treatment, but then again – what isn’t there controversy surrounding these days?

Before you assume that you cannot lose weight because of your thyroid condition, or go running to your doctor thinking you have a thyroid condition, ask yourself a few questions.

Are you being honest with yourself?

Are you exercising properly and consistently?

Are you eating the proper foods to fuel your body?

Are you eating enough or eating too little?

Are you looking for an excuse to avoid the hard work?

Once I took charge of my health, I knew that my hypothyroidism would not hold me back. In fact, it would not even be an issue. There are people out there that are gravely affected by the disease, including their weight. I am by no means trying to play that down, but it is not the majority.

If you suffer from hypothyroidism, staying fit, or are losing you own battle with weight, I want you to know that you can change. Take hold of your health. You will feel so much better.

It is always worth the fight.

Before blogging, I was never a picture-taker. I always had a camera, but I rarely took pictures. I never felt like lugging the camera around. I have a slight confession: I still really do not care about photography.

I don’t have a DSLR, and can’t justify buying one since I would rather have 2 pairs of Christian Loboutain shoes instead. I also don’t know if I would take pictures of anything besides my food. I love taking pictures of the food, because I love food. I love making it, eating it, and looking at pictures of it.

I’m sure things may change one day when I have children and want to photograph their every move.

As for now, what I have realized is how terrible the lighting in our house is. I’m sure it is the case with most homes, but with my lack of photography skills and yellow lighting, most of the time my pictures make me cringe. I don’t have any photography skills besides clicking my macro button on, and even then my pictures still turn out blurry.

Because I am such a Type A nutcase, I pretty much refuse to post pictures taken under my home lighting. Most of the dishes I post on my main page are made during the daylight, and usually on the weekends – we cook for the week ahead.

However, I do cook dinner most nights, and sometimes they are great dishes. Last week I made some tuscan lemon chicken (which almost burnt the house down, but was tasty), and lemon-garlic green beans. I’d love to share, but can’t stand my yellow pictures. I know that is somewhat humorous because my entire blog is pretty dull and boring when it comes to design right now – that is changing very soon!

So I purchased some lowel lights that simulate natural light, and I thought I’d share my thoughts on them. I quickly realized that purchasing these were much more cost effective than installing new lighting in our home for my little hobby.

Well, I’m lying. My husband made me realize that. I still think money grows on trees.

These really are one of the best things I ever could have bought. They are around $80 a piece, but very worth it in my opinion.

They are a little on the bulky side, but I’m sure I’ll find somewhere to store them with my 200 pairs of shoes. Here is the set up on my dining room table:

I feel so funny posting about this, because my photography is a joke. And since I am not really interested in learning more or getting more into photography right this moment, I do think it is a little wild that I have accessories now. But I figure I can’t be the only one!

If you are looking for more detailed information from a real photographer, Jaden Hair did a post on this a while back. Check it out.

In the meantime, check out the difference this made for me.

Indoor lighting without Lowel light:

Blah. Blech. Gag me with a spoon.

Lowel light use:

Much better, right??

I am by no means the person to take photography advice from, but I love these things. Once I learn more about taking better pictures, I’m sure I will appreciate these even more. As for now, I’m too busy buying shoes, eating cookies, laying on the couch, and watching my husband clean the bathroom.

When my blog’s makeover is finished, I plan on making my pictures a bit larger and possibly using fewer – maybe 4-5 instead of 8-10. Until then, I will continue trashing up my blog with blurry, insignificant photos. I hope you’ll stick around.

And for anyone with a Mac, is there a way to resize photos? Or would you like to give me an email-tutorial of using iPhoto? It has gone to waste on my computer the past 18 months, much like many other things I buy. I would greatly appreciate it.