(My brother, Will, is filling in for me today while I’m doing important things like eating and sleeping. I highly suggest you read the entire post. He took his own pictures, too.
That’s right, I’ve got the keys to the car. My sister approached me months ago about writing a guest post for her blog. To be honest with you, I’ve just been so busy playing video games and drinking beer working, that I just never got around to it. But the mini smores tarts were the last straw. Even though I’m the guy who gets to eat all the stuff you see on this blog, it’s just getting too girly for me. So literally and figuratively we’re going to BEEF it up with some man food.
First, let me fill you in on where I’m coming from. I’m Will. I’m a 25-year-old single man living on the South Side of Pittsburgh. I recently completed my Master’s degree in Systematic Theology from Duquesne University. I’m in the process of applying to doctoral programs with aspiring dreams of educating your sons and daughters at the college level some day. Currently, I work at the Rink at PPG place in downtown Pittsburgh driving the Zamboni and in the summer I work at a public Golf course south of Pittsburgh (I’m an 8 handicap ((that’s really good)). In my 25 years of existence, I’ve learned that there are really only 2 things in this world that I love: The game of hockey and my family.
Recap: 25, single, bachelors pad on the South Side, well educated, zamboni-driving, golf ball smackin’, and hockey loving, humble, family man. And you’re about to find out that I can cook. So if all the cute girls that comment on this blog would please get my contact information off of Jess, we can stop playing these silly games and go out on our date already.
So what does a single man eat? Well friends, I’m going to take you a little south of the border for some Ground Turkey Tacos. Turkey meat satisfies a man’s need for biting into a dead animal and is also lean and healthy. This is quick and easy for a guy to cook and sautéing the vegetables make your kitchen smell really good. For me, I’ve found that smell is half the battle. If it smells good I can probably choke it down, unlike other members of my family who inhale every piece of food placed in front of them tend to be pickier. To my fellow gentlemen out there: cook this meal for your wife, girlfriend, or significant other and you will score major points. I know from experience think most ladies would be very appreciative.
So let’s get started with the prep work. I like to use my favorite kitchen appliance, the mini food processor knife.
All men need a knife rack. Knives are cool, plain and simple. Shiny + Sharp = Testosterone.
We’re going to use our handy, dandy knife to finely chop our veggies. First we have some red onion.
Yeah, so maybe I cried when I cut the onion. Does it make me less of a man? No. Everyone needs a good cry every now and then. Just not in front of anyone. Believe me, my tears were the manliest tears ever cried.
Next came some fresh garlic cloves.
This was organic, local garlic from Whole Foods. True Story: Last year, I took a course in Catholic Social Ethics. We discussed the importance of buying organic and local produce because it helps the farmers directly within your community and not some big money corporate garlic farm. We could actually tie organic farming to the story of creation in the bible and man’s task to “subdue the earth.” I think that’s neat. I’m also a bible nerd. Moving on…
I sauteed some red and green pepper.
I love the smell these veggies give off when you cut them. What I don’t like about the peppers is when they aren’t chopped fine enough the skin tends to peel off and gets stuck in my teeth. Life’s tough – get a toothpick.
“Everyone gets to know each other in the pot.”
That’s a quote from the greatest show on TV, The Office, when Kevin cooks chili. Go watch it immediately. I’ll wait…
You’re welcome. Now that you’ve got all these veggies hanging out on your stove add a little olive oil and toss it around on low heat. Stand over the skillet, inhale, and let your sense of smell get rocked.
Okay men, it’s meat time. Grab your ground turkey.
I could eat this every day if I had to. It’s great as a burger. It’s great as a taco. It’s great as a hunk of meat with your favorite kind of condiment. I notice my sister always blasts her husband because he used to eat this every day. I guess when you’re not married, you can eat whatever you want and no one judges you. When you’re married you have to put your stuffed turkey in the back bedroom and your professional wrestler posters in the garage.
Note to self: never get married.
Also to appease your sister, who is obsessed with the highest standard of health who only wants the best for you, please buy 99% Fat Free.
Add your FAT FREE meat into the skillet with the veggies. I think that cooking the meat on medium heat works best, because it allows the meat to absorb all the flavors of the veggies. But hey, what do I know? Mix it up:
I’m sure there is some time limit to adhere to before seasoning the meat. But I’m a man and I don’t know what it is. I do things when the mood strikes, not on a set schedule. I improvise when I cook. That’s probably not a good thing when you’re writing for someone who has Obsessive Compulsive disorder about every little detail that involves every aspect of her life who has a lovely blog about cooking. I think that’s my signal to season the meat.
I know, I know, Jess always seasons her meat from scratch. I’m not on that level. Ortega makes this delightful little packet that lets me just dump in the perfect amount. My mom taught me that shoving this in your mouth after you season it is like watching the today show and finding out what survivor was voted off before you watched the episode on your DVR- it leaves you completely unsatisfied. (Survivor is a great show. I don’t care what any of you say. If I have one major vice it’s bad reality television. I’m a sucker for it. Don’t judge me foodies.) So for the love of reality TV suspense, let the meat season.
This is just coming along lovely. You’re probably thinking, “Hey man, this is just meat and veggies with generic seasoning in pan on your stove. I feel deprived.” Well blog reader, I’m about to rock your world with some black beans.
Black beans for all you gringos out there. These aren’t just any black beans though, I like to buy the black beans with jalapeño flavoring. It gives it just an extra kick. I always make sure to drain the black beans before I add them to the meat. Nobody like’s a sloppy taco…
That’s what she said. Yea I just went there.
By now you’re probably wondering “How awesome is Will and where are we going to put our meat and beans?” Well my friends, my taco of choice is the whole-wheat tortilla. I mean, come on, we already had the 99% Fat Free lean ground turkey, why not commit to your healthy meal with the whole-wheat tortilla.
After all it’s what Jess wouldn’t would do.
Meat? Check. Veggies? Check. Beans? Check. Whole Wheat Tortilla? Check. Sounds like a complete meal, right? Sorry, Charlie, but it’s time to man up. I need a little help from my man Frank.
I dare you to name something that Frank’s Red Hot is not good on. If you even try to say there is something that Frank’s Red Hot doesn’t improve I will stab you in the jaw. Just come look for me on the South Side. I’ll be the guy stabbing jaws.
Your final product should look a little something like this.
Even if you have been annoyed with this entire post, you can at least give me an A for presentation. But reality check, you find me 3 times as charming as my sister and wish I had a blog too. (It’s a good thing you you’ve never met the younger brother because he’s 3 times as charming as me. Which would make him 6 times as charming as Jess. Or Jess’s charming ability cubed? My eyes just went crossed.)
Finally, you cannot enjoy your manly meal without an adult beverage.
You probably thought I was going to say beer, huh? I’m just full of surprises. I love a little Jack and Coke. I’m cultured. It is also ten times better than my fruity sister and her wine drinking.
This is when Jess usually recaps her ingredients and recipe. Well I don’t really have a recipe, because I’m a man. That’s how men cook. But knowing how controlling organized she is, she probably will add it in on her own accord. Like her husband, I’ll just let her do whatever she wants.
I hope you enjoy this manly, healthy, quick meal. I’m surprised Jess let me post here because this is her baby. To be honest, I’ll be even more surprised if you’re still reading. I probably just ruined the blog. But hey, if I changed at least one life, allowed one man who regularly stumbles upon this blog to feel a slight rush of testosterone when thinking about cooking, then I have succeeded.
Good luck & God Speed.