life with max: weeks 12 through 16.
Ohhhhhhhh my gosssssh.
I so did not mean for so much time to pass between Max updates and now it’s been a whopping FOUR weeks. WAH. Time is going way way way way too fast. We are also keeping busy and ummm I feel like I have no time to even, like, brush my hair between mom life and work life. So totally cliché?! Yes.
I am a walking cliché. It’s only going to get worse.
So what’s been up for four weeks?! Max is 16 weeks now, almost four months. I want to simultaneously smile and bawl my eyes out at the same time. It’s so freaking bittersweet. Why didn’t you guys tell me that it is so freaking bittersweet?!?!?!?
Okay, I’m lying. You totally told me but there is absolutely zero way of knowing anything about this until you experience it. Which I sort of knew, but also didn’t know.
Kind of like how I thought it would be an awesome idea to schedule a LOT of work-related projects and trips while pregnant, starting at six weeks post-partum… with three of them being out of state.
Uh. Was I on drugs? Why did I think that was possible? I think it was a combination of many unrealistic portrayals of motherhood in the media and how some of my friends have made it seem so easy (which I now understand that it takes a crap ton of work for it to “appear” easy).
Anyhoo, here’s the thing. Max is a dream baby. He is very happy 99% of the time and I feel extremely lucky and grateful. I think part of that is due to my somewhat shocking laid-back attitude with him (I’ve only had a meltdown or two to my mom which is like, 456% LESS meltdowns than I expected to have), but I also think it’s because he is a happy baby. I don’t say this to be all “omg, my baby is wonderful I’m so happy, blah blah blah” but I say this because many of you have been asking me how I am able to keep up with the blog, how can I cook dinner, how can I do XYZ and while it is taking a good bit of work, he is also a happy baby. So that helps tremendously.
Also, do you remember when I told you that on my book tour in Richmond I met a wonderful couple with a baby, and we chatted about the lack-of-sleep-crazy-first-months-etc of newborn life? And they told me how it made a huge difference for them to remain positive and know it’s going to be challenging, but look at it in a positive light?
I’m doing that.
It’s also no secret here that I don’t need a ton of sleep. I’ve written for years on this blog about how I wish we didn’t need to sleep; I’d rather be working or reading or writing or doing things. That helps.
I am not lying when I say I will miss these days SO much – but I will miss these NIGHTS. I will miss the nights when he isn’t waking up anymore and snuggling with me and eating. Is that insane? It’s just so fleeting.
Here’s the other thing: GUYS, this is super hard! It is the most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life, again, totally cliché but totally true. But it is hard. Going to the grocery store is hard! Trying to cook a meal is hard. Trying to do other work that I have aside from my own blog is even harder. Trying to maintain the same schedule I had pre-baby is hard. Trying to do little things, like shop with my mom for an hour or two on the weekend is hard. Attempting to clean anything in the house is a massive JOKE.
I hate that it is all so hard for me. Real life.
[can we talk about this little hat? it was MY BROTHERS’!! so it’s 30 years old.]
So. Everyone has told me how each stage is more exciting than the next and I could not agree more. Every day something new happens. He changes. He wakes up from a nap and I swear he has gained a pound.
He is SO alert now. He watches me walk out of a room which makes me want to cry every time I think about it. He SEES me! Sometimes when he eats he giggles and laughs and then just stares into my eyes.
I melt. I want to give him the universe.
With him being so alert though – it does get much more challenging to try to do things that do not involve him. He is great for 15 or 20 minutes at a time (give or take a little) under his play gym or in his mamaroo, then he wants to play with a friend.
I’m taking it all a day at a time, which is also very hard for me. I want to plan! Know the future! Control all the things!
Um, as a side bar? He hates being in clothes. He definitely has my sweat gene. Sometimes he is a total crank face and if we take off his onesie? Happy as a clam. Last Sunday we might have had to strip him down to his diaper at brunch. Ooomph.
Week 13ish was a doozy – he had a little growth spurt and then he had two or three days where he ONLY wanted me in the evenings. He would scream like a crazy dude if Eddie held him (which broke both our hearts but especially Eddie’s) but once he got in my arms, he’d cuddle up and smile. Wow. It is an incredible feeling when your baby calms the moment he hits your arms. It’s like… unreal to me. I told Eddie that maybe this is the reward – for all the sleepless nights and unproductivity throughout the day – for your babe to want only you?
Eddie still kills me. He said today the words that every parent says: I don’t remember my life without him. He still tears up when he leaves Max. He changes every diaper when he is home and even said one day, “I’m going to miss changing his diapers!” I was like well… I think you have a few more years of that. Ha.
Max is hilarious. There I said it. My four month old child is FUNNY. He laughs and giggles all the time. He makes these hilarious faces. He has so much personality, it kills me. He spends hours a day shrieking and squealing and talking and belting out every sound he can from his tiny body.
I swear that he gives kisses already, which is just my name for what he does when you bring his face to yours and he opens his mouth because he probably wants to eat your nose or something.
I want to hold him forever. Like I said above, its still going way too fast but I’m still relishing every moment. Everyday I try to take a few minutes and just enjoy the wonderfulness of him. Some nights I still can’t put him down – if he wakes up at 3:30 or so I sit up in bed and lay him on my chest until Eddie wakes up at 4:30 because I just want to cuddle him. I look through his photos on my phone a million times a day, sometimes I even look at them after he eats at night when I know I should be sleeping.
I am that person.
I can’t get enough.
OMG. I know I’m so rambly but I still just cannot get over my love for this little chunk and how happy he makes me. And us. I wasn’t expecting it. And I don’t know why, because obviously you hear all the things – motherhood changes you, it’s a love unlike any other, and so on – but it’s ALL.SO.TRUE.
I could sit in a room and stare at him for 24 hours straight and be thrilled and happy (and exhausted) and feeling so thankful. I tear up every time I think about his birth. I can’t believe that last year at this time, on Easter, he was a little bean in my body and only four of us knew about him.
Just so crazy. I miss every single day that has passed with him.