How MEAT It Is.
(My brother, Will, is filling in for me today while I’m doing important things like eating and sleeping. I highly suggest you read the entire post. He took his own pictures, too.
That’s right, I’ve got the keys to the car. My sister approached me months ago about writing a guest post for her blog. To be honest with you, I’ve just been so busy playing video games and drinking beer working, that I just never got around to it. But the mini smores tarts were the last straw. Even though I’m the guy who gets to eat all the stuff you see on this blog, it’s just getting too girly for me. So literally and figuratively we’re going to BEEF it up with some man food.
First, let me fill you in on where I’m coming from. I’m Will. I’m a 25-year-old single man living on the South Side of Pittsburgh. I recently completed my Master’s degree in Systematic Theology from Duquesne University. I’m in the process of applying to doctoral programs with aspiring dreams of educating your sons and daughters at the college level some day. Currently, I work at the Rink at PPG place in downtown Pittsburgh driving the Zamboni and in the summer I work at a public Golf course south of Pittsburgh (I’m an 8 handicap ((that’s really good)). In my 25 years of existence, I’ve learned that there are really only 2 things in this world that I love: The game of hockey and my family.
Recap: 25, single, bachelors pad on the South Side, well educated, zamboni-driving, golf ball smackin’, and hockey loving, humble, family man. And you’re about to find out that I can cook. So if all the cute girls that comment on this blog would please get my contact information off of Jess, we can stop playing these silly games and go out on our date already.
So what does a single man eat? Well friends, I’m going to take you a little south of the border for some Ground Turkey Tacos. Turkey meat satisfies a man’s need for biting into a dead animal and is also lean and healthy. This is quick and easy for a guy to cook and sautéing the vegetables make your kitchen smell really good. For me, I’ve found that smell is half the battle. If it smells good I can probably choke it down, unlike other members of my family who inhale every piece of food placed in front of them tend to be pickier. To my fellow gentlemen out there: cook this meal for your wife, girlfriend, or significant other and you will score major points. I know from experience think most ladies would be very appreciative.
So let’s get started with the prep work. I like to use my favorite kitchen appliance, the mini food processor knife.
All men need a knife rack. Knives are cool, plain and simple. Shiny + Sharp = Testosterone.
We’re going to use our handy, dandy knife to finely chop our veggies. First we have some red onion.
Yeah, so maybe I cried when I cut the onion. Does it make me less of a man? No. Everyone needs a good cry every now and then. Just not in front of anyone. Believe me, my tears were the manliest tears ever cried.
Next came some fresh garlic cloves.
This was organic, local garlic from Whole Foods. True Story: Last year, I took a course in Catholic Social Ethics. We discussed the importance of buying organic and local produce because it helps the farmers directly within your community and not some big money corporate garlic farm. We could actually tie organic farming to the story of creation in the bible and man’s task to “subdue the earth.” I think that’s neat. I’m also a bible nerd. Moving on…
I sauteed some red and green pepper.
I love the smell these veggies give off when you cut them. What I don’t like about the peppers is when they aren’t chopped fine enough the skin tends to peel off and gets stuck in my teeth. Life’s tough – get a toothpick.
“Everyone gets to know each other in the pot.”
That’s a quote from the greatest show on TV, The Office, when Kevin cooks chili. Go watch it immediately. I’ll wait…
You’re welcome. Now that you’ve got all these veggies hanging out on your stove add a little olive oil and toss it around on low heat. Stand over the skillet, inhale, and let your sense of smell get rocked.
Okay men, it’s meat time. Grab your ground turkey.
I could eat this every day if I had to. It’s great as a burger. It’s great as a taco. It’s great as a hunk of meat with your favorite kind of condiment. I notice my sister always blasts her husband because he used to eat this every day. I guess when you’re not married, you can eat whatever you want and no one judges you. When you’re married you have to put your stuffed turkey in the back bedroom and your professional wrestler posters in the garage.
Note to self: never get married.
Also to appease your sister, who is obsessed with the highest standard of health who only wants the best for you, please buy 99% Fat Free.
Add your FAT FREE meat into the skillet with the veggies. I think that cooking the meat on medium heat works best, because it allows the meat to absorb all the flavors of the veggies. But hey, what do I know? Mix it up:
I’m sure there is some time limit to adhere to before seasoning the meat. But I’m a man and I don’t know what it is. I do things when the mood strikes, not on a set schedule. I improvise when I cook. That’s probably not a good thing when you’re writing for someone who has Obsessive Compulsive disorder about every little detail that involves every aspect of her life who has a lovely blog about cooking. I think that’s my signal to season the meat.
I know, I know, Jess always seasons her meat from scratch. I’m not on that level. Ortega makes this delightful little packet that lets me just dump in the perfect amount. My mom taught me that shoving this in your mouth after you season it is like watching the today show and finding out what survivor was voted off before you watched the episode on your DVR- it leaves you completely unsatisfied. (Survivor is a great show. I don’t care what any of you say. If I have one major vice it’s bad reality television. I’m a sucker for it. Don’t judge me foodies.) So for the love of reality TV suspense, let the meat season.
This is just coming along lovely. You’re probably thinking, “Hey man, this is just meat and veggies with generic seasoning in pan on your stove. I feel deprived.” Well blog reader, I’m about to rock your world with some black beans.
Black beans for all you gringos out there. These aren’t just any black beans though, I like to buy the black beans with jalapeño flavoring. It gives it just an extra kick. I always make sure to drain the black beans before I add them to the meat. Nobody like’s a sloppy taco…
That’s what she said. Yea I just went there.
By now you’re probably wondering “How awesome is Will and where are we going to put our meat and beans?” Well my friends, my taco of choice is the whole-wheat tortilla. I mean, come on, we already had the 99% Fat Free lean ground turkey, why not commit to your healthy meal with the whole-wheat tortilla.
After all it’s what Jess wouldn’t would do.
Meat? Check. Veggies? Check. Beans? Check. Whole Wheat Tortilla? Check. Sounds like a complete meal, right? Sorry, Charlie, but it’s time to man up. I need a little help from my man Frank.
I dare you to name something that Frank’s Red Hot is not good on. If you even try to say there is something that Frank’s Red Hot doesn’t improve I will stab you in the jaw. Just come look for me on the South Side. I’ll be the guy stabbing jaws.
Your final product should look a little something like this.
Even if you have been annoyed with this entire post, you can at least give me an A for presentation. But reality check, you find me 3 times as charming as my sister and wish I had a blog too. (It’s a good thing you you’ve never met the younger brother because he’s 3 times as charming as me. Which would make him 6 times as charming as Jess. Or Jess’s charming ability cubed? My eyes just went crossed.)
Finally, you cannot enjoy your manly meal without an adult beverage.
You probably thought I was going to say beer, huh? I’m just full of surprises. I love a little Jack and Coke. I’m cultured. It is also ten times better than my fruity sister and her wine drinking.
This is when Jess usually recaps her ingredients and recipe. Well I don’t really have a recipe, because I’m a man. That’s how men cook. But knowing how controlling organized she is, she probably will add it in on her own accord. Like her husband, I’ll just let her do whatever she wants.
I hope you enjoy this manly, healthy, quick meal. I’m surprised Jess let me post here because this is her baby. To be honest, I’ll be even more surprised if you’re still reading. I probably just ruined the blog. But hey, if I changed at least one life, allowed one man who regularly stumbles upon this blog to feel a slight rush of testosterone when thinking about cooking, then I have succeeded.
Good luck & God Speed.
115 Comments on “How MEAT It Is.”
Oh my gads this is funny. A Bible loving single guy who stabs people in the jaw? My hero. ;)
Please do more Mr. Will!!
This is hysterical, I love it! Sounds like your bro and you share a similar sense of humor ;) Great post
She learned everything she knows from me!
You have some competition… lol… Now I see why you hang out with him.
She hangs out with me cause I’m probably in the Top Ten coolest people she knows Cindy! Let’s be honest she doesnt get out much. . .
She has to stay in so she can catch the “correct light” for her cooking blogs.. Not alot of sunshine here in Pittsburgh. Then again, if I cooked like her I wouldnt wanna leave the house either.. yummmmm. I think Im in her list of top ten people.. haha… Hope to meet you soon. I hear so much about you.
sorry will…not a single lady…but i loved reading this post! you’re hilarious and apparently a great cook as well :)
Great guest post!
Great post! You should have your own blog, Will. You have good humor. BTW, the tacos look fantastic! I will be making these.
You are hilarious, charmind, and down-right adorable.
Hook a sister up ;)
So when are you cooking for me?
Whenever you’re prepared to have your taste buds tantalized.
Hysterical and yummy post! “Life’s tough – get a toothpick.” Quite possibly my new favorite quote. :)
“Just come look for me on the South Side. I’ll be the guy stabbing jaws.”
OH EM GEE I have totally seen you on many a Saturday night!!!!!
You no longer have an excuse for not saying hello and buying me a drink. I promise not to stab you in the jaw.
This post made me laugh out loud!!!
great post :) definitely had me laughing. I should make my husband read this so he can see how manly cooking can be :)
Oh my gosh…you are flipping hilarious!! LOVED THE POST! :) A+ ALL THE WAY!
haha, excellent post. you should make this a regular addition :).
Well, I don’t know about THREE times as charming as your sister, but you are both very witty and entertaining!
Your Mexican meal looks delicious. It meats (hehe) your manly meat requirements but also your sister’s (and her readers) health requirements. Perfect combo! ;)
Geez Will! Why didn’t I know you when I went to Duquesne and lived on the South Side??? Small world, huh?? (Also if the golf club you are talking about is either South Hills Country Club or Mt. Lebanon Golf Course, I will be afraid you are stalking my life….) Great post!!! Jess is lucky to have a hilarious blogger-sub for the day!
Wait a minute, how do I know you aren’t stalking me?
Great post! Nice work from your bro!
Time for the bro to start his own blog and entertain all of us.
Very nice. Hilarious! And love ground turkey as well….
If I was married to Jess – which I’m not as my name indicates – I would have to say her husband is the luckiest man to have such a cool and amazing and talanted and charming brother-in-law. It’s probably unfortunate that sometimes he visits his sister and “there’s no food in that dump.” Jess’s husband, though only a couple of years older than Will, clearly could learn a lot from him. He is a catch and any woman would be lucky to get to know him. Will, not Jess’s husband…he’s already spoken for.
I just need a woman that will accept my large collection of average 80’s CD’s and toy cars.
I loveeee it! I um wear my chem goggles when I am chopping the onions. I could sang you a pair?
Frank is a gooooood man!
Love your post, write more!!!!
p.s I am single *wink wink*
Sometimes I wear my beer goggles, but that is neither here nor there. Your winking makes me feel special.
Oh good- I am glad it was not sketchy ;)
Bahaha! Will, you’re awesome!
And I agree…Ortega is the way to go when making tacos!
Awesome post! Anyone who can include both a Kevin quote as well as a That’s What She Said quote in one post gets an A++ in my book!
I canNOT believe the TWSS, it was the best (dirtiest) I have ever read online. Amazing.
Great post Will :) And the tacos looked great!! Looks like you got a lot of dating prospects out of it too!! Good luck!! And come back and post again…you cracked me up…and you got extra points for the Office lines ;)
haha oh god i can’t believe all these people fell for your BS. if only you were this funny in real life. and turkey?! are you kidding? when i saw the title i was expecting MEAT, not girly meat. cmon will, you can do better than this. i would invite you over so i can cook you some real meat (please, no comments about me having “meat”) but that would mean i would have to let you in my house, and frankly that scares me.
oh, and for the sake of not ruining my best friend’s blog, please don’t judge jess and her brother by my comments, jess is still kick-ass, and maybe will isn’t such a bad chef, we just like *cough cough* to give each other a hard time…it’s what we do
Fact- I rule. Fact- Kelly is lame. Fact- Kelly has a really cute baby. Fact- The baby def. got it from her husband.
p.s. will should get twitter.
Lol, great writing. Stick the onion in the freezer for a few minutes next time. It takes the sting out. Seriously. No lie.
Will: since you always have me review and proof those heavy theological essays I feel bad I was not asked to edit your blog effort to add a little humor. You are much too serious
My dad has had the same moustache since 1975.
LOL! Great guest post; I was highly amused. :-)
Love it! Hilarious! I can’t believe you allowed veggies on your blog Jess!
I’ve had fish, chicken, beef, carne asada, chili con carne and pork tacos–but never turkey. Why didn’t I think of it!
Love the family/friends comments! My boyfriend is pretty much obsessed with ground turkey (oh let’s be honest, and Jack Daniels) so I was nodding my head to a lot of this…too funny. Oh except around here (AKA Southern California) we put Mexican hot sauce on our tacos/fajitas…I feel like if we used Frank’s it would taste like chicken wings? Pick up some Tapatio or better yet Cholua…order it online if you have to, Will (real men order hot sauce online. right?)
I used to work at Quizno’s and we had Choloula Sauce there on the reg. I had a brief love affair with it for most of my highschool years. Also, buying things online, like hot sauce, is fun. It makes me happy that Al Gore invented the internet.
Too funny!! This was great!
Loved this! I am not so much of a meat fan but the Jack — I am down with that :)
Would totally look forward to this guest posting on a regular basis. You make me want to have MY brother guest post but unfortunately he’s healthier than I am and I feel like he’d show me up. Awesome job, Will. Esp on the TWSS.
hilarious!! wish my bro would post 4 me!
I need to get my brother on a guest post!
I love the humor!
Bahaha – Will you are a riot!!
Especially love the recap :)
Hahaha! If Will had his own blog I would definitely read it!
Haha I absouletly love this. Any like he said, I think he should definitely get a blog! I would follow it. He has a lot of character and personality. For being such a ‘man’ dish, the food was still very healthy. Very funny good and really good post. I enjoyed ALL of it.
Just another satisfied customer…
you have to cook for ALL of us! this looks SO great!!
A for the whole post! :)
You really SHOULD have your own blog. Fact.
Too funny. I hope you return to write more guest posts!
A Zamboni driver? I just fell in love. In my teen years I crushed hard on the Zamboni driver at our rink. Get me into the rink for free if I ever come to Pittsburgh? ;)
You have a great voice. I’m with the rest y’all, I would totally read your blog if you had one. You and your sister have great talent.
Come to the rink. Say you’re Will’s friend. They will let you right in. I’m kind of a big deal. I have many leather bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogony.
Haha, I will totally take you up on that. Except Pittsburgh is a tad far, but hey, if you’re THAT big a deal then why not?
HAHA. I love this. Exactly what my brother would write on my blog…he’s a hockey player too, ironically :)
Jess- just found your blog and I love it!
This is an awesome meal! My boyfriend would really really love this. I cook like this all the time, by healthifying (not a word) his favorite foods. The Jack and Coke is definately a must. I do like wine, but mixed drinks, especially those with whiskey, are spectacular. Great post! It was a very fun read.