Mr. How Sweet It Is.
(Remember a few weeks ago when my brother wrote a guest post? Well, someone was feeling left out. Please take a moment to read a bit about my stuffed-turkey loving husband. He took his own pictures, going great lengths to take them in natural light. He didn’t want to feel my wrath.)
Once my awesome brother-in-law Will wrote a guest post, I knew that I now had a destiny. I too must write one. It is not for competitive reasons but rather to set this blog right. Will, as charming as he is (approximately 3 times more charming than Jess but only 1/3 as charming as the other brother-in-law) missed the goal of his post. He wanted to make this a manly blog, bringing some much needed testosterone….and he ends up turning this into an eHarmony ad with some ground turkey and a dash of taco seasoning. If you have not read his post, you must check it out. It’s hilarious and captures Will’s spirit to a T. If you are single (or even if you aren’t – I don’t judge.), Will is a catch and won’t be on the market long so contact him today. You aren’t getting any younger, you know.
Anyway, obviously Jess not asking me – her hubby – to write a post must have been an oversight. One that needed corrected. So I took it upon myself to write one. But what would the topic be? Ground turkey tacos? Been there. The awesomeness of my NASCAR die casts? Done that. My mounted wild turkey trophy? Bought the t-shirt.
(Correction: I was probably too drunk to buy the t-shirt.)
I decided to tackle the subject of many of Jess’s tweets and snide comments – my behavior in the mornings. Some could describe my mornings in two words: Train wreck.
Another good comparison would be that of a bear waking up from hibernation.
Pictured below are some of the walls I walk into and steps I stumble down on a daily basis.
Oddly, this appeared in the middle of the floor at about the same time I informed Jess that we now had life insurance policies and I was probably worth more to her dead than alive. Coincidence? You be the judge.
By this point of the morning, I’m hungry. I’ve overcome countless booby traps and I need to get my protein on. I mean, I haven’t eaten in like 8 hours. I’m a huge fan of charities that feed the hungry because I know what its like to be hungry. In fact, I’m hungry right now.
You are already aware that I go through phases where I eat the same thing over and over again. But that was when I was single and had to cook for myself. Now that I’m married, I have variety. (Note to Will: don’t write-off getting married. But never marry someone that grew up in a house that had a cleaning lady. Did I just say that?) You get to eat cool stuff, like lobster mac-n-cheese and whole wheat breaded crispy chicken. It tastes just like Long John Silver’s. If there is a bigger compliment, I do not know what it is. Just sayin’, Will.
However, I still eat the same thing over and over for breakfast because someone does not want to wake at the butt crack of dawn to make me breakfast. Well, right now, I’m in an eggs-and-bagel-for-breakfast phase. And since this is a food blog, I’ll share my special recipe with you, my fans.
First, I take three jumbo eggs.
Next, I Pam the bejesus out of the griddle.
Fact: every square millimeter must be Pam’ed. If you are not going through at least a can of Pam/week, you are not doing it right. As soon as Jess starts going to Sam’s Club she can critique how much Pam I use. At 5:00AM.
Next, set the temperature on high. The higher the better.
Fact: the hotter the pan or oven or griddle or stove gets the faster the food cooks. I’m all about the numbers. If you are supposed to cook something at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, it only makes numerical sense to cook it at 400 degrees for just under 26 minutes. 14% increase in temperature = 14% less cooking time. It’s true. I saw that on Rachel Ray once. She mentioned it once while talking about EVOO. Or maybe it was Giada.
OK, let’s be honest, I don’t hear a word Giada says. Hi Giada. Call me.
Breaks eggs and slightly pepper.
Can’t you just smell the pepperness?
Now it gets tricky. It’s 5:10AM. I’m still technically asleep. I have a smokin’ hot griddle going and now I’m going to work the toaster. I have what, in my hands, can only be described as two weapons of mass destruction going. That’s right ladies. Men can multi-task. You heard it here first. But don’t ask us to listen to what your saying while there’s a football game on. Or hockey game. Or NASCAR race. Or midget wrestling.
After that, I devour it in approximately 2.2 seconds.
That’s it.
To be honest, I enjoyed blogging.
It’s really hard. I had to work at it all day long, but it left me satisfied and smiling.
That’s what she said.
107 Comments on “Mr. How Sweet It Is.”
OH my goodness. Obviously your man has a way with words. AND with the ladies??? I think I fell off my chair when I read, “Your not getting any younger ladies.”
Quite a character you have there.
Me thinks your darling husband needs to appreicate his BEAUTIFUL and STUNNING and AMAZING wife a little more. Giada aint got nothin on you sweet Jess! :)
hahaha, Jess this is hilarious!! I love how blunt he is!! He has one HOT wife too. i know he loves you so much :)
Thank you Amanda and Katie. You are correct – my wife is HOT and BEAUTIFAL and AMAZING and KEEPS THE HOUSE SOOOOO CLEAN. Umm, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad.
I LOVED this. I think your husband and Ryan would get along very, very well. Also, please tell your husband that this recipe is waaaay too complicated. How MUCH butter do you put on the bagel? Is the bagel whole wheat or white? Ahhh. ;)
What a great post! Love the eHarmony reference :)
Great post, awesome breakfast and definitely another writing talent in your family! :-)
Love those booby traps. I feel your pain as I’m exactly the same in the mornings. My cat is so inventive and always places himself somewhere, where I can trip over him whilst trying to get that first cup of coffee. :-)
Julie, I use one serving of Smart Balance butter. However, keep in mind that Trader Joe’s lies to us and tells u that there are 6 servings in a bag of their Sweet & Sour chicken. I’d like to set the record straight – there is only one serving. There’s also only one serving in those microwavable 90 second brown rice bags, not 2 or 3 like they claim.
And the bagel is whole wheat. But it has like 10 grams of protein in it. There was a picture of the bagels but someone did not include it. Must I do everything around this joint?
Vee, do you know how to solve that cat issue? Get a dog. Dogs are cool. Dogs go to Heaven. Cats die and go back to meet their Dark Underlord.
Frickin’ hilarious. And if you ever want to cash in on that life insurance policy, just leave out two crockpots.
Protein Gril, here’s a tip for your blog. If you want to get more protein in your dies, order your meal with a side of chicken breast. Between the chicken tenders and cheesy fries with bacon and a 16 oz steak, one simply does not get enough protein. That chicken breast really helps meet the recommended amount of protein in one sitting.
haha great post. You already cook more than my husband does. I certainly don’t make him breakfast, but that just means he has cereal every morning :) I should show him your post.
This was great! I had to read it to must husband since this is exactly how he thinks about Pam, cooking and Giada! The eggs do look perfect!
HAHA this is so awesome. Hilarious!
Megan, do you know who else cooks more than your husband? My brother-in-law Will. Just throwing it out there. Like I said, I don’t judge.
Sarena, your husband sounds like an awesome guy. If he likes the Pittsburgh Penguins and hates training legs, I might have found a new best friend. If he likes the Rangers, Red Wings or the Filthadelphia Flyers then we are no longer bff’s.
Crying with laughter, Mr. Sweet. You are hilarious- that made my morning.
Ohhh the pain from laughing so hard. Too bad I work in an open concept office…. sorry office mates!
hahhaah what a great post to brighten up my morning! Jess, your hubby is so funny!! I wish my BF knew a thing about cooking! LOL giada…jess is 20 times hotter than her!! anyways, giadas smile is a bit much sometimes ya know?
xoxo
Hi Alex, do you know who is even funnier than me? (Yes, there is actually someone funnier than me) That’s my brother-in-law Will. I know I tried to pawn him off on Sarena a few comments ago but she’s all married and stuff. Will is funny and he cooks and he buys great gifts. You would have gotten the best b-day gift EVER from Will.
Will, tell Alex “happy belated birthday” and ask her if she “wants to kick it sometime.
Naomi, if by “giada’s smile is a bit much,” you actually mean “like 10,000 angels smiling, brightening up my Sunday mornings,” then yes, I would tend to agree with you.
Haha…sounds like you have a couple characters on your hands. ;-)
Loved the guest post – maybe even more than Will’s if I do say so myself?
All that work and gone in 2.2!
Hilarious post! But all tha creative cooking is almost overwhelming :).
haha Jessica I love the men in your life. So hilarious!
Did your 3 Combo arm workout yesterday..felt soo bad yet good. Definitely felt it this morning! Thank you!
Hysterical! Your husband has a knack for writing. And food from the male point of view is just too funny.
this is amazing and made my morning! why? because i can see those same thoughts and actions going through Nate’s head too :) gotta love those guys!
Your family is too funny!
I think my newly retired dad would be into posting on mine, I’m just not sure I could take a step away from the drivers seat this early!
I also just read your brothers post– the intro I was thinking to myself I hope someone asks him out- and then he went for it! Lucky girl to have such a great family to get on board on this project!
Katharine,
Good luck in your training for the 5K. It’s quite the goal but finishing it provides the biggest sense of accomplishment. You will always remember crossing the finish line that first time!
Hilarious. Completely made my morning!
My my, what a lucky lady you are to be married to such a guy lol
I sincerely hope someone in your area takes Will out for a night on the town after all of this!
LOL this was a great post- I think I share the affection for pam and cooking on high heats. Good job Mr. How Sweet it Is!
Glorious post! Loved reading it and chuckled out loud a few times. Maybe more posts from Mr. How Sweet It Is in the future??? Just sayin.
Like so many of us out there, Jess you’ve landed yourself a SAH – who can blog too. What a combo. ;-]
Hahaha Mr. How Sweet It Is is also a riot, ya’ll are hilarious! I <3! I see some more bloggin' in hubby's future, I think he likes it :) Or perhaps it's that men are that competitive even over guest blog appearances, maybe that's it… silly boys ;)
Jess, you’ve got a keeper. That just TOTALLY made my day (and I’m not just saying that!)
That’s what she said.
Angela,
I like the way you think. You want more posts, you will get ’em!
That’s my way of making eggs simple and fast. I like your picture of the bear, that surely resembles my days lately, after all I’m in Portland OR what else is there to do during the rain season.
Stephanie,
I should definitely write some more blogs for the lovely Mrs. How Sweet It Is. This would free up her time to practice some dusting and vacuuming and folding clothes, all areas which have been identified as “Needs improvement” during her annual review.
Hahaha love it!
I laughed out loud multiple times. Hilarious. I love the side comments that capture every man’s inner thoughts. So funny! Thanks for the post Mr. How Sweet It Is! I’m sending this link to my boyfriend and a few other men who’d enjoy this.
haha your hubs is hilarious! also, your new layout is ADORABLE! i love the colors, feel and everything. it suits you perfectly!!!!
hilarious. Gotta love the ending!
You certainly had my attention this whole post! :)
You are surrounded by very funny men!! haha! :) Lucky you!
love it!! husband posts are the total best. bring it on! (that’s what she said)
Love this guest post! Perhaps he should have a monthly installment on the blog!? And he’s right- blogging (with all the pics) is hard work and time consuming!
Nice job, once again! Hilarious. I love Giada too, and so does my bf ;)
Mr. How Sweet It Is,
You are so lucky have such a beautiful wife who keeps your belly full. Im so lucky to have a friend who is willing to feed me. Thank gosh we both workout. Im sure she is gonna love this comment.. haha
I’ve loved both the “manly” guest posts. I feel like they’re so similar to what my brother would write on mine!
“(Note to Will: don’t write-off getting married. But never marry someone that grew up in a house that had a cleaning lady. Did I just say that?)”
No hope for me, then…