These are not going to be pretty.

And they certainly are not anywhere close to being healthy.

And if you are lactose intolerant, these might make you spontaneously combust.

And you will probably have to go buy bigger jeans after eating these. Or at least unbutton the ones you are wearing.

And after eating these, you will probably decide it is the last meal you want before you kick the bucket.

At least that’s what I’ve decided.

In Baltimore a few months ago, Ashley and I shared crab pretzels at a restaurant, along with that life-changing grilled caesar salad.

All I have to say is that I wish we didn’t share them. They were incredibly sinful.

I had debated on how to make crab pretzels for weeks. It was not going to be as simple as microwave-melted cheese and crabmeat. It was so much more than that.

I began with a roux and made a creamy, artery-clogging cheese sauce, just as I would with macaroni and cheese.

Best decision ever.

I also used hot pretzels from a box. I don’t have the time to make homemade hot pretzels, but I would encourage you to buy some freshly made ones and bring them home to use.

The boxed ones were still delicious. I mean, if you top anything with a buttery, rich cheese sauce, it is going to taste fabulous. I would possibly eat cardboard topped with cheese sauce. And I’m only half joking.

Crab Pretzels

6 soft pretzels

1 tablespoon butter

1 tablespoon flour

1 cup heavy cream

1/2 cup milk

1/2 cup grated smoked cheddar cheese

1/2 cup grated monterey jack cheese

4-6 ounces lump crab meat

sprinkle of nutmeg

salt & pepper to taste

In a saucepan over medium heat, melt butter and whisk in flour to create a roux. Add heavy cream and milk, and stir in grated cheeses. Stir until melted and simmer until mixture thickens.  Stir in nutmeg, and add salt and pepper if needed. Fold in crabmeat.

Prepare pretzels – making sure they are warm – and top with cheese and crab mixture.

So, you have a greasy, doughy soft pretzel topped with gooey cheese and crabmeat that melts in your mouth.

Does it get any better than this?