Jan 27 2010
Mr. How Sweet It Is.
(Remember a few weeks ago when my brother wrote a guest post? Well, someone was feeling left out. Please take a moment to read a bit about my stuffed-turkey loving husband. He took his own pictures, going great lengths to take them in natural light. He didn’t want to feel my wrath.)
Once my awesome brother-in-law Will wrote a guest post, I knew that I now had a destiny. I too must write one. It is not for competitive reasons but rather to set this blog right. Will, as charming as he is (approximately 3 times more charming than Jess but only 1/3 as charming as the other brother-in-law) missed the goal of his post. He wanted to make this a manly blog, bringing some much needed testosterone….and he ends up turning this into an eHarmony ad with some ground turkey and a dash of taco seasoning. If you have not read his post, you must check it out. It’s hilarious and captures Will’s spirit to a T. If you are single (or even if you aren’t – I don’t judge.), Will is a catch and won’t be on the market long so contact him today. You aren’t getting any younger, you know.
Anyway, obviously Jess not asking me – her hubby – to write a post must have been an oversight. One that needed corrected. So I took it upon myself to write one. But what would the topic be? Ground turkey tacos? Been there. The awesomeness of my NASCAR die casts? Done that. My mounted wild turkey trophy? Bought the t-shirt.
(Correction: I was probably too drunk to buy the t-shirt.)
I decided to tackle the subject of many of Jess’s tweets and snide comments – my behavior in the mornings. Some could describe my mornings in two words: Train wreck.
Another good comparison would be that of a bear waking up from hibernation.
Pictured below are some of the walls I walk into and steps I stumble down on a daily basis.
Oddly, this appeared in the middle of the floor at about the same time I informed Jess that we now had life insurance policies and I was probably worth more to her dead than alive. Coincidence? You be the judge.
By this point of the morning, I’m hungry. I’ve overcome countless booby traps and I need to get my protein on. I mean, I haven’t eaten in like 8 hours. I’m a huge fan of charities that feed the hungry because I know what its like to be hungry. In fact, I’m hungry right now.
You are already aware that I go through phases where I eat the same thing over and over again. But that was when I was single and had to cook for myself. Now that I’m married, I have variety. (Note to Will: don’t write-off getting married. But never marry someone that grew up in a house that had a cleaning lady. Did I just say that?) You get to eat cool stuff, like lobster mac-n-cheese and whole wheat breaded crispy chicken. It tastes just like Long John Silver’s. If there is a bigger compliment, I do not know what it is. Just sayin’, Will.
However, I still eat the same thing over and over for breakfast because someone does not want to wake at the butt crack of dawn to make me breakfast. Well, right now, I’m in an eggs-and-bagel-for-breakfast phase. And since this is a food blog, I’ll share my special recipe with you, my fans.
First, I take three jumbo eggs.
Next, I Pam the bejesus out of the griddle.
Fact: every square millimeter must be Pam’ed. If you are not going through at least a can of Pam/week, you are not doing it right. As soon as Jess starts going to Sam’s Club she can critique how much Pam I use. At 5:00AM.
Next, set the temperature on high. The higher the better.
Fact: the hotter the pan or oven or griddle or stove gets the faster the food cooks. I’m all about the numbers. If you are supposed to cook something at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, it only makes numerical sense to cook it at 400 degrees for just under 26 minutes. 14% increase in temperature = 14% less cooking time. It’s true. I saw that on Rachel Ray once. She mentioned it once while talking about EVOO. Or maybe it was Giada.
OK, let’s be honest, I don’t hear a word Giada says. Hi Giada. Call me.
Breaks eggs and slightly pepper.
Can’t you just smell the pepperness?
Now it gets tricky. It’s 5:10AM. I’m still technically asleep. I have a smokin’ hot griddle going and now I’m going to work the toaster. I have what, in my hands, can only be described as two weapons of mass destruction going. That’s right ladies. Men can multi-task. You heard it here first. But don’t ask us to listen to what your saying while there’s a football game on. Or hockey game. Or NASCAR race. Or midget wrestling.
After that, I devour it in approximately 2.2 seconds.
That’s it.
To be honest, I enjoyed blogging.
It’s really hard. I had to work at it all day long, but it left me satisfied and smiling.
That’s what she said.
OH my goodness. Obviously your man has a way with words. AND with the ladies??? I think I fell off my chair when I read, “Your not getting any younger ladies.”
Quite a character you have there.
Me thinks your darling husband needs to appreicate his BEAUTIFUL and STUNNING and AMAZING wife a little more. Giada aint got nothin on you sweet Jess!
hahaha, Jess this is hilarious!! I love how blunt he is!! He has one HOT wife too. i know he loves you so much
Thank you Amanda and Katie. You are correct – my wife is HOT and BEAUTIFAL and AMAZING and KEEPS THE HOUSE SOOOOO CLEAN. Umm, 3 out of 4 ain’t bad.
I LOVED this. I think your husband and Ryan would get along very, very well. Also, please tell your husband that this recipe is waaaay too complicated. How MUCH butter do you put on the bagel? Is the bagel whole wheat or white? Ahhh.
What a great post! Love the eHarmony reference
Great post, awesome breakfast and definitely another writing talent in your family!
Love those booby traps. I feel your pain as I’m exactly the same in the mornings. My cat is so inventive and always places himself somewhere, where I can trip over him whilst trying to get that first cup of coffee.
Julie, I use one serving of Smart Balance butter. However, keep in mind that Trader Joe’s lies to us and tells u that there are 6 servings in a bag of their Sweet & Sour chicken. I’d like to set the record straight – there is only one serving. There’s also only one serving in those microwavable 90 second brown rice bags, not 2 or 3 like they claim.
And the bagel is whole wheat. But it has like 10 grams of protein in it. There was a picture of the bagels but someone did not include it. Must I do everything around this joint?
Vee, do you know how to solve that cat issue? Get a dog. Dogs are cool. Dogs go to Heaven. Cats die and go back to meet their Dark Underlord.
Frickin’ hilarious. And if you ever want to cash in on that life insurance policy, just leave out two crockpots.
Protein Gril, here’s a tip for your blog. If you want to get more protein in your dies, order your meal with a side of chicken breast. Between the chicken tenders and cheesy fries with bacon and a 16 oz steak, one simply does not get enough protein. That chicken breast really helps meet the recommended amount of protein in one sitting.
haha great post. You already cook more than my husband does. I certainly don’t make him breakfast, but that just means he has cereal every morning
I should show him your post.
This was great! I had to read it to must husband since this is exactly how he thinks about Pam, cooking and Giada! The eggs do look perfect!
HAHA this is so awesome. Hilarious!
Megan, do you know who else cooks more than your husband? My brother-in-law Will. Just throwing it out there. Like I said, I don’t judge.
Sarena, your husband sounds like an awesome guy. If he likes the Pittsburgh Penguins and hates training legs, I might have found a new best friend. If he likes the Rangers, Red Wings or the Filthadelphia Flyers then we are no longer bff’s.
Crying with laughter, Mr. Sweet. You are hilarious- that made my morning.
Ohhh the pain from laughing so hard. Too bad I work in an open concept office…. sorry office mates!
hahhaah what a great post to brighten up my morning! Jess, your hubby is so funny!! I wish my BF knew a thing about cooking! LOL giada…jess is 20 times hotter than her!! anyways, giadas smile is a bit much sometimes ya know?
xoxo
Hi Alex, do you know who is even funnier than me? (Yes, there is actually someone funnier than me) That’s my brother-in-law Will. I know I tried to pawn him off on Sarena a few comments ago but she’s all married and stuff. Will is funny and he cooks and he buys great gifts. You would have gotten the best b-day gift EVER from Will.
Will, tell Alex “happy belated birthday” and ask her if she “wants to kick it sometime.
Naomi, if by “giada’s smile is a bit much,” you actually mean “like 10,000 angels smiling, brightening up my Sunday mornings,” then yes, I would tend to agree with you.
Haha…sounds like you have a couple characters on your hands.
Loved the guest post – maybe even more than Will’s if I do say so myself?
All that work and gone in 2.2!
Hilarious post! But all tha creative cooking is almost overwhelming
.
haha Jessica I love the men in your life. So hilarious!
Did your 3 Combo arm workout yesterday..felt soo bad yet good. Definitely felt it this morning! Thank you!
Hysterical! Your husband has a knack for writing. And food from the male point of view is just too funny.
this is amazing and made my morning! why? because i can see those same thoughts and actions going through Nate’s head too
gotta love those guys!
Your family is too funny!
I think my newly retired dad would be into posting on mine, I’m just not sure I could take a step away from the drivers seat this early!
I also just read your brothers post– the intro I was thinking to myself I hope someone asks him out- and then he went for it! Lucky girl to have such a great family to get on board on this project!
Katharine,
Good luck in your training for the 5K. It’s quite the goal but finishing it provides the biggest sense of accomplishment. You will always remember crossing the finish line that first time!
Hilarious. Completely made my morning!
My my, what a lucky lady you are to be married to such a guy lol
I sincerely hope someone in your area takes Will out for a night on the town after all of this!
LOL this was a great post- I think I share the affection for pam and cooking on high heats. Good job Mr. How Sweet it Is!
Glorious post! Loved reading it and chuckled out loud a few times. Maybe more posts from Mr. How Sweet It Is in the future??? Just sayin.
Like so many of us out there, Jess you’ve landed yourself a SAH – who can blog too. What a combo. ;-]
Hahaha Mr. How Sweet It Is is also a riot, ya’ll are hilarious! I <3! I see some more bloggin' in hubby's future, I think he likes it
Or perhaps it's that men are that competitive even over guest blog appearances, maybe that's it… silly boys 
Jess, you’ve got a keeper. That just TOTALLY made my day (and I’m not just saying that!)
That’s what she said.
Angela,
I like the way you think. You want more posts, you will get ‘em!
That’s my way of making eggs simple and fast. I like your picture of the bear, that surely resembles my days lately, after all I’m in Portland OR what else is there to do during the rain season.
Stephanie,
I should definitely write some more blogs for the lovely Mrs. How Sweet It Is. This would free up her time to practice some dusting and vacuuming and folding clothes, all areas which have been identified as “Needs improvement” during her annual review.
Hahaha love it!
I laughed out loud multiple times. Hilarious. I love the side comments that capture every man’s inner thoughts. So funny! Thanks for the post Mr. How Sweet It Is! I’m sending this link to my boyfriend and a few other men who’d enjoy this.
haha your hubs is hilarious! also, your new layout is ADORABLE! i love the colors, feel and everything. it suits you perfectly!!!!
hilarious. Gotta love the ending!
You certainly had my attention this whole post!
You are surrounded by very funny men!! haha!
Lucky you!
love it!! husband posts are the total best. bring it on! (that’s what she said)
Love this guest post! Perhaps he should have a monthly installment on the blog!? And he’s right- blogging (with all the pics) is hard work and time consuming!
Nice job, once again! Hilarious. I love Giada too, and so does my bf
Mr. How Sweet It Is,
You are so lucky have such a beautiful wife who keeps your belly full. Im so lucky to have a friend who is willing to feed me. Thank gosh we both workout. Im sure she is gonna love this comment.. haha
I’ve loved both the “manly” guest posts. I feel like they’re so similar to what my brother would write on mine!
“(Note to Will: don’t write-off getting married. But never marry someone that grew up in a house that had a cleaning lady. Did I just say that?)”
No hope for me, then…
OMG yes I just said it. OMG that was friggin funny! You have to get do it more often. Now, lets just not let my husband read any of this! He cant cook but can sorta type….
Cindy,
I’m taking K-Dub in the Super Bowl over Kim K.
“oh ray j. oh ray j.” = epic fail
Mr. H..
i think I am too. She is my girl. But I still love Kim. She knows how to market herself with those movies lol. I dont know who is worse… Ray J. or Hugh Hefner to BEEP!
Gah I love your family, Jess! haha
Awesome post. Love the random slowcooker strategically placed in the doorway, bahaha
Great Job, Mr. How Sweet It Is. I’m going to celebrate your post by letting you take me to see Avatar in IMAX this weekend. After we can return to your place and have you wife cook us food and fan us with large palm branches as we lay on your couch and watch NHL network. My Wednesday was going pretty slow until I stumbled on this blog and felt alive again. It’s always easier to get through “hump day” when you’re being whored out on food blog. I wouldn’t be surprised though if my dad showed up with a blog post tomorrow about the “right” way to wake up and make eggs and toast. Either way, call me ladies!
You can’t go wrong with eggs and bagels!!! My sister’s single…she’s 21 and she loves to bake…does Will like cookies?
Will,
Fact: your dad makes pancakes and not eggs.
Fact: I’m a sweater vest and a bad-a$$ mustache away from being your dad.
Fact: I thought you were paying for me to see Avatar and not the other way around.
Fact: I was wrong.
Blond Duck,
To answer your question for Will, yes, he likes cookies. He also likes taking long walks on the beach in the moonlight. He finds confidence a turn-on but not cockiness. And most nights he can be found serving the homeless dinner at a local soup kitchen. If that soup kitchen’s name was the Houfbrau House and instead of soup it was German lager. And there’s no homeless people.
Cindy,
You, the hubby, Mrs. How Sweet It Is and I should discuss who it would be worse to bleep over pineapple infused vodka drinks at the Capital Grille once your competition is over. You know how much I love pineapple infused vodka. If you are sick, it’s the perfect drink. The vodka kills whatever the Vitamin C doesn’t get.
Mr. H…
You have yourself a deal. We will have to take the twins with us too. That will be their Capital Grille Debut. Lets plan for the weekend after the competition. April 17 or the weekend after. Depending how long I am on the meds. Although that and pineapple vodka sounds like the perfect combo.!!!!
Haha, Jess you’re life must not ever have a dull moment.
Mr. How Sweet should have been included on email chain.
Thanks for making my day!
It was bad until I read this!
Nice post, got me smiling!
I am suprised that there is no cheese in your bagel!
Haha, Mrs. How Sweet sure does have her hands full!!
Kidding!! 
Great post Mr. How Sweet! Very entertaining!!
hahaha what a great post!
this is such a fun post! and the line: “Oddly, this appeared in the middle of the floor at about the same time I informed Jess that we now had life insurance policies and I was probably worth more to her dead than alive. Coincidence? You be the judge.” was for sure the best. i was cracking up
OMG – The hubby is freakin’ hilarious!!!! He needs to start his own blog!!!
He sounds like quite the character
OHHH EHHMMM GEEE! This was one of the funniest posts I have ever written. Thank you for making my day just that much better. Such a guy-love it
CORRECTION: I meant to say one of the funniest posts I have ever read! Clearly I am still laughing from reading it, I can’t ever write correctly.
Mr Sweet is awesome. He’s doing a pretty good job as wingman to little bro too!
Jessica- let’s start a blogger husband post site! It would be one twisted little blog!
Quote, “the hotter the pan or oven or griddle or stove gets the faster the food cooks …”
Erm, right. And the faster it burns too!
Lol, nice post. Enjoyed reading it.
The higher the temperature, the faster the food cooks—that made me LOL. Your husband is hilarious. Love your blog!
This was the highlight of my day..and made me miss my husband even more!!! So I made him the PB&J muffins… not stuffed turkey. Sorry..vegetarian.
WoW In my 32 years of marriage I have never fried an egg, or eaten one, but at least I have now seen a turorial on how to fry one…you’re husband must be a genius Jess..I actually need a bit more info though…how hot should the pan really be, how do you know when to flip it, how do you know it is done?? If you are just making sunny side up, how do you know when it is done so that the yolk is not too runny but not overdone?? I’m serious, I really want to know..on Top Chef they say cooking an egg perfectly is one of the hardest things to do..I’m not worried about perfection, just edible and salmonella free…don’t tell your father-in-law I am asking your advice cause he probably already knows how to fry an egg PERFECTLY….by the way, I thought you only ate egg whites….
Hey!
I just came across your blog and I can’t wait to read it and follow!
I would love it if you could check out mine and follow:)
Jenna
lol I love that men think that eggs on bread is news to the rest of the world. If I let Mr Bake & Bloom do a guest post he would make spaghetti bolognaise….from a jar (I am sure of it)
I keep trying to get my lactose intolerant male friend to post his soy scones though, they’re mega good.
funny observation about the crock pot though.
Woahahaha!! Oh Jess, you lucky duck! You scored a humorous, lovable man. I LOVED this post!
Haha. Your husband offers some great advice along with a *very* complicated and unique recipe.
sooooo witty:) love a guy who can joke and feed himself!
Not only did I crack up through this entire post, but also giggled through the comments.
Also I recall this:
“Oh I know who that is. It’s The Twenty-Fifth Year on the phone.” BAHAHA I love Mr. HSII.
Ed: Great job on the guest post, it frees up Jess to get to the store for more Cheese and Bacon. I decided to send this comment instead of doing my own post on the best breakfast techniques. You can get that information from Jess because I taught her all about it! Besides, I don’t have time to do a post as I am too busy ghost writing Will’s essays for his Grad School applications. I am spread too thin so don’t quit your day job, otherwise you won’t be able to support Mrs. How Sweet It Is in the style to which she is accustomed!
NOOCH use it on kale chips
big batch
http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2009/10/highlights-of-week-raw-vegan-kale-chips.html
smaller batch
http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2009/10/raw-vegan-kale-chips.html
Or take it and use like 2 to 6 TBsp, depending on how cheezy you like things and knowing you, it’s very! But addd that to like 3/4 to 1 c soaked nuts, cashews or almonds are best. Blend. Add a few spices you like, i.e. garlic, onions, cumin, etc and make a nice dip for bread. Cuz i know you wont dip veggies in it LOL Really, just make my kale chip coating extra thick and you can schmear that on just about anythig from a tater to bread to some of the amazing full fat meat gluten carb dairy concoctions that make me wishing i didnt have food allergies
xoxo
Your husband can multi-task? Wow, your a lucky woman! =)
Ahaha! I want to hang out with your family sometime, just so you all can cook me yummy food and make me laugh!
WHAT? No meat?!
haha hi Mr. How Sweet It Is!! Great post, you guys have got to be the most humorous couple ever! Wish we could all hang out
Love this post. Mr. How Sweet is pretty rad!
Ms. 25th Year,
Just wait until you meet me…I’m even funnier in person.
Love this! Mr. How Sweet, you are one funny guy!
I just have to say that I really enjoyed reading this post! So fun… Mr. How Sweet It Is can come make breakfast at my house anytime. The time and temperature math sounds like something my hubby would do!
Bahahhaa this is awesome! It sounds like a combination of my brother and father, except with a better sence of humor. Hahha I love it!!
By the way, the fact that today alone I’ve left 9359023 comments on your blog doesn’t mean I’m creepily obsessed with you, I promise!! (Haha I accidently double commented on the last post… my bad!)
I was catching up, and your husband is hilarious! Funny stuff
Mr. Sweets, props to you on getting up and working said machinery at 5:15am, sans coffee. I would burn the house down.
Jess, I really love your family’s sense of humor even more now after these posts. My sister, 24, is recently single. Her favorite things include: Maker’s Mark, sarcasm, Chuck Klosterman, and meats of all varieties (especially bacon). If Will ever finds himself in Boston, it could be a dream date.
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