(Remember a few weeks ago when my brother wrote a guest post? Well, someone was feeling left out. Please take a moment to read a bit about my stuffed-turkey loving husband. He took his own pictures, going great lengths to take them in natural light. He didn’t want to feel my wrath.)

 

 

Once my awesome brother-in-law Will wrote a guest post, I knew that I now had a destiny.  I too must write one.  It is not for competitive reasons but rather to set this blog right.  Will, as charming as he is (approximately 3 times more charming than Jess but only 1/3 as charming as the other brother-in-law) missed the goal of his post.  He wanted to make this a manly blog, bringing some much needed testosterone….and he ends up turning this into an eHarmony ad with some ground turkey and a dash of taco seasoning.  If you have not read his post, you must check it out.  It’s hilarious and captures Will’s spirit to a T.  If you are single (or even if you aren’t – I don’t judge.), Will is a catch and won’t be on the market long so contact him today.  You aren’t getting any younger, you know.

Anyway, obviously Jess not asking me – her hubby – to write a post must have been an oversight.  One that needed corrected.  So I took it upon myself to write one.  But what would the topic be?  Ground turkey tacos?  Been there.  The awesomeness of my NASCAR die casts? Done that. My mounted wild turkey trophy?  Bought the t-shirt.

(Correction:  I was probably too drunk to buy the t-shirt.)

I decided to tackle the subject of many of Jess’s tweets and snide comments – my behavior in the mornings.  Some could describe my mornings in two words:  Train wreck.Your browser may not support display of this image.

 
 
 
 

Another good comparison would be that of a bear waking up from hibernation.Your browser may not support display of this image.

 

 
 
 

 

Pictured below are some of the walls I walk into and steps I stumble down on a daily basis.

 
 
 

 

 
 
 
Look…a crock pot sitting on the floor to kick.
 
 
 

 

 
 
 

 

Oddly, this appeared in the middle of the floor at about the same time I informed Jess that we now had life insurance policies and I was probably worth more to her dead than alive.  Coincidence?  You be the judge.

By this point of the morning, I’m hungry.  I’ve overcome countless booby traps and I need to get my protein on.  I mean, I haven’t eaten in like 8 hours.  I’m a huge fan of charities that feed the hungry because I know what its like to be hungry.  In fact, I’m hungry right now.

You are already aware that I go through phases where I eat the same thing over and over again.  But that was when I was single and had to cook for myself.  Now that I’m married, I have variety.  (Note to Will:  don’t write-off getting married.  But never marry someone that grew up in a house that had a cleaning lady.  Did I just say that?) You get to eat cool stuff, like lobster mac-n-cheese and whole wheat breaded crispy chicken.  It tastes just like Long John Silver’s. If there is a bigger compliment, I do not know what it is.  Just sayin’, Will.

However, I still eat the same thing over and over for breakfast because someone does not want to wake at the butt crack of dawn to make me breakfast.  Well, right now, I’m in an eggs-and-bagel-for-breakfast phase.  And since this is a food blog, I’ll share my special recipe with you, my fans.

 

First, I take three jumbo eggs.

 
Why jumbo?  Because I don’t have ready access to ostrich eggs.  If there were bigger eggs at the grocery store, I’d get them.  Bigger eggs = more protein.
 
 
 

 

Next, I Pam the bejesus out of the griddle.

 
 
 

 

Fact: every square millimeter must be Pam’ed.  If you are not going through at least a can of Pam/week, you are not doing it right.  As soon as Jess starts going to Sam’s Club she can critique how much Pam I use.  At 5:00AM.

Next, set the temperature on high.  The higher the better.

Fact: the hotter the pan or oven or griddle or stove gets the faster the food cooks.  I’m all about the numbers.  If you are supposed to cook something at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, it only makes numerical sense to cook it at 400 degrees for just under 26 minutes.  14% increase in temperature = 14% less cooking time.  It’s true.  I saw that on Rachel Ray once.  She mentioned it once while talking about EVOO.  Or maybe it was Giada.

OK, let’s be honest, I don’t hear a word Giada says.  Hi Giada.  Call me.

 

Breaks eggs and slightly pepper.

 
 
 

 

Can’t you just smell the pepperness?

Now it gets tricky.  It’s 5:10AM.  I’m still technically asleep.  I have a smokin’ hot griddle going and now I’m going to work the toaster.  I have what, in my hands, can only be described as two weapons of mass destruction going.  That’s right ladies.  Men can multi-task.  You heard it here first.  But don’t ask us to listen to what your saying while there’s a football game on.  Or hockey game.   Or NASCAR race.  Or midget wrestling.

 
Once the eggs have been flipped and are done and the bagel is toasted, I put a small amount of butter on the bagel to add flavor.
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 

 

After that, I devour it in approximately 2.2 seconds.

That’s it.

To be honest, I enjoyed blogging.

It’s really hard.  I had to work at it all day long, but it left me satisfied and smiling.

That’s what she said.

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106 Responses to “Mr. How Sweet It Is.”

  1. #
    51
    Aricka — January 27, 2010 @ 12:58 pm

    OMG yes I just said it. OMG that was friggin funny! You have to get do it more often. Now, lets just not let my husband read any of this! He cant cook but can sorta type….

    Reply

  2. #
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    Mr. How Sweet It Is — January 27, 2010 @ 1:01 pm

    Cindy,

    I’m taking K-Dub in the Super Bowl over Kim K.

    “oh ray j. oh ray j.” = epic fail

    Reply

  3. #
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    Cindy Coniglio — January 27, 2010 @ 1:05 pm

    Mr. H..
    i think I am too. She is my girl. But I still love Kim. She knows how to market herself with those movies lol. I dont know who is worse… Ray J. or Hugh Hefner to BEEP!

    Reply

  4. #
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    Paige (running around normal) — January 27, 2010 @ 1:06 pm

    Gah I love your family, Jess! haha
    Awesome post. Love the random slowcooker strategically placed in the doorway, bahaha

    Reply

  5. #
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    Will — January 27, 2010 @ 1:12 pm

    Great Job, Mr. How Sweet It Is. I’m going to celebrate your post by letting you take me to see Avatar in IMAX this weekend. After we can return to your place and have you wife cook us food and fan us with large palm branches as we lay on your couch and watch NHL network. My Wednesday was going pretty slow until I stumbled on this blog and felt alive again. It’s always easier to get through “hump day” when you’re being whored out on food blog. I wouldn’t be surprised though if my dad showed up with a blog post tomorrow about the “right” way to wake up and make eggs and toast. Either way, call me ladies!

    Reply

  6. #
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    Blond Duck — January 27, 2010 @ 1:14 pm

    You can’t go wrong with eggs and bagels!!! My sister’s single…she’s 21 and she loves to bake…does Will like cookies?

    Reply

  7. #
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    Mr. How Sweet It Is — January 27, 2010 @ 1:15 pm

    Will,

    Fact: your dad makes pancakes and not eggs.
    Fact: I’m a sweater vest and a bad-a$$ mustache away from being your dad.
    Fact: I thought you were paying for me to see Avatar and not the other way around.
    Fact: I was wrong.

    Reply

  8. #
    58
    Mr. How Sweet It Is — January 27, 2010 @ 1:19 pm

    Blond Duck,

    To answer your question for Will, yes, he likes cookies. He also likes taking long walks on the beach in the moonlight. He finds confidence a turn-on but not cockiness. And most nights he can be found serving the homeless dinner at a local soup kitchen. If that soup kitchen’s name was the Houfbrau House and instead of soup it was German lager. And there’s no homeless people.

    Reply

  9. #
    59
    Mr. How Sweet It Is — January 27, 2010 @ 1:21 pm

    Cindy,

    You, the hubby, Mrs. How Sweet It Is and I should discuss who it would be worse to bleep over pineapple infused vodka drinks at the Capital Grille once your competition is over. You know how much I love pineapple infused vodka. If you are sick, it’s the perfect drink. The vodka kills whatever the Vitamin C doesn’t get.

    Reply

  10. #
    60
    Cindy Coniglio — January 27, 2010 @ 1:28 pm

    Mr. H…
    You have yourself a deal. We will have to take the twins with us too. That will be their Capital Grille Debut. Lets plan for the weekend after the competition. April 17 or the weekend after. Depending how long I am on the meds. Although that and pineapple vodka sounds like the perfect combo.!!!!

    Reply

  11. #
    61
    Kacy — January 27, 2010 @ 1:35 pm

    Haha, Jess you’re life must not ever have a dull moment.

    Reply

  12. #
    62
    Heather — January 27, 2010 @ 1:36 pm

    Mr. How Sweet should have been included on email chain.

    Reply

  13. #
    63
    Trainerpack — January 27, 2010 @ 2:20 pm

    Thanks for making my day!
    It was bad until I read this!

    Reply

  14. #
    64
    Miriam — January 27, 2010 @ 2:52 pm

    Nice post, got me smiling! :) I am suprised that there is no cheese in your bagel!

    Reply

  15. #
    65
    homecookedem — January 27, 2010 @ 3:21 pm

    Haha, Mrs. How Sweet sure does have her hands full!! :) Kidding!! ;) Great post Mr. How Sweet! Very entertaining!!

    Reply

  16. #
    66
    Lisa — January 27, 2010 @ 3:25 pm

    hahaha what a great post!

    Reply

  17. #
    67
    janetha b — January 27, 2010 @ 3:58 pm

    this is such a fun post! and the line: “Oddly, this appeared in the middle of the floor at about the same time I informed Jess that we now had life insurance policies and I was probably worth more to her dead than alive. Coincidence? You be the judge.” was for sure the best. i was cracking up :)

    Reply

  18. #
    68
    Jolene (www.everydayfoodie.ca) — January 27, 2010 @ 4:05 pm

    OMG – The hubby is freakin’ hilarious!!!! He needs to start his own blog!!!

    He sounds like quite the character :-)

    Reply

  19. #
    69
    Lauren @ Eat, Drink, and Be Hopeful — January 27, 2010 @ 5:04 pm

    OHHH EHHMMM GEEE! This was one of the funniest posts I have ever written. Thank you for making my day just that much better. Such a guy-love it

    Reply

  20. #
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    Lauren @ Eat, Drink, and Be Hopeful — January 27, 2010 @ 5:05 pm

    CORRECTION: I meant to say one of the funniest posts I have ever read! Clearly I am still laughing from reading it, I can’t ever write correctly.

    Reply

  21. #
    71
    One Healthy Apple — January 27, 2010 @ 5:32 pm

    Mr Sweet is awesome. He’s doing a pretty good job as wingman to little bro too!

    Jessica- let’s start a blogger husband post site! It would be one twisted little blog!

    Reply

  22. #
    72
    Sarah — January 27, 2010 @ 5:35 pm

    Quote, “the hotter the pan or oven or griddle or stove gets the faster the food cooks …”

    Erm, right. And the faster it burns too! :D

    Lol, nice post. Enjoyed reading it.

    Reply

  23. #
    73
    Molly P. — January 27, 2010 @ 5:37 pm

    The higher the temperature, the faster the food cooks—that made me LOL. Your husband is hilarious. Love your blog!

    Reply

  24. #
    74
    Abby — January 27, 2010 @ 6:28 pm

    This was the highlight of my day..and made me miss my husband even more!!! So I made him the PB&J muffins… not stuffed turkey. Sorry..vegetarian.

    Reply

  25. #
    75
    Auntie Ann — January 27, 2010 @ 6:57 pm

    WoW In my 32 years of marriage I have never fried an egg, or eaten one, but at least I have now seen a turorial on how to fry one…you’re husband must be a genius Jess..I actually need a bit more info though…how hot should the pan really be, how do you know when to flip it, how do you know it is done?? If you are just making sunny side up, how do you know when it is done so that the yolk is not too runny but not overdone?? I’m serious, I really want to know..on Top Chef they say cooking an egg perfectly is one of the hardest things to do..I’m not worried about perfection, just edible and salmonella free…don’t tell your father-in-law I am asking your advice cause he probably already knows how to fry an egg PERFECTLY….by the way, I thought you only ate egg whites….

    Reply

  26. #
    76
    Jenna — January 27, 2010 @ 8:11 pm

    Hey!
    I just came across your blog and I can’t wait to read it and follow!
    I would love it if you could check out mine and follow:)
    Jenna

    Reply

  27. #
    77
    Shannon @ bakeandbloom.com — January 27, 2010 @ 8:14 pm

    lol I love that men think that eggs on bread is news to the rest of the world. If I let Mr Bake & Bloom do a guest post he would make spaghetti bolognaise….from a jar (I am sure of it)

    I keep trying to get my lactose intolerant male friend to post his soy scones though, they’re mega good.

    funny observation about the crock pot though.

    Reply

  28. #
    78
    sophia — January 27, 2010 @ 8:20 pm

    Woahahaha!! Oh Jess, you lucky duck! You scored a humorous, lovable man. I LOVED this post!

    Reply

  29. #
    79
    Melissa — January 27, 2010 @ 8:23 pm

    Haha. Your husband offers some great advice along with a *very* complicated and unique recipe. :)

    Reply

  30. #
    80
    izzibee — January 27, 2010 @ 8:42 pm

    sooooo witty:) love a guy who can joke and feed himself!

    Reply

  31. #
    81
    Caitlin@TheTwentyFifthYear — January 27, 2010 @ 8:52 pm

    Not only did I crack up through this entire post, but also giggled through the comments.

    Also I recall this:

    “Oh I know who that is. It’s The Twenty-Fifth Year on the phone.” BAHAHA I love Mr. HSII.

    Reply

  32. #
    82
    Your Dad — January 27, 2010 @ 9:19 pm

    Ed: Great job on the guest post, it frees up Jess to get to the store for more Cheese and Bacon. I decided to send this comment instead of doing my own post on the best breakfast techniques. You can get that information from Jess because I taught her all about it! Besides, I don’t have time to do a post as I am too busy ghost writing Will’s essays for his Grad School applications. I am spread too thin so don’t quit your day job, otherwise you won’t be able to support Mrs. How Sweet It Is in the style to which she is accustomed!

    Reply

  33. #
    83
    Averie (LoveVeggiesAndYoga) — January 27, 2010 @ 11:14 pm

    NOOCH use it on kale chips
    big batch
    http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2009/10/highlights-of-week-raw-vegan-kale-chips.html

    smaller batch
    http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2009/10/raw-vegan-kale-chips.html

    Or take it and use like 2 to 6 TBsp, depending on how cheezy you like things and knowing you, it’s very! But addd that to like 3/4 to 1 c soaked nuts, cashews or almonds are best. Blend. Add a few spices you like, i.e. garlic, onions, cumin, etc and make a nice dip for bread. Cuz i know you wont dip veggies in it LOL Really, just make my kale chip coating extra thick and you can schmear that on just about anythig from a tater to bread to some of the amazing full fat meat gluten carb dairy concoctions that make me wishing i didnt have food allergies :)
    xoxo

    Reply

  34. #
    84
    Jess (Fit Chick in the City) — January 28, 2010 @ 4:19 am

    Your husband can multi-task? Wow, your a lucky woman! =)

    Reply

  35. #
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    Katie — January 28, 2010 @ 5:50 am

    Ahaha! I want to hang out with your family sometime, just so you all can cook me yummy food and make me laugh!

    Reply

  36. #
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    Joanna Sutter (Fitness & Spice) — January 28, 2010 @ 6:03 am

    WHAT? No meat?!

    Reply

  37. #
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    Jenny — January 28, 2010 @ 6:11 am

    haha hi Mr. How Sweet It Is!! Great post, you guys have got to be the most humorous couple ever! Wish we could all hang out :)

    Reply

  38. #
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    MelissaNibbles — January 28, 2010 @ 8:47 am

    Love this post. Mr. How Sweet is pretty rad!

    Reply

  39. #
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    Mr. How Sweet It Is — January 28, 2010 @ 9:01 am

    Ms. 25th Year,

    Just wait until you meet me…I’m even funnier in person.

    Reply

  40. #
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    Bianca @ south bay rants n raves — January 28, 2010 @ 10:09 am

    Love this! Mr. How Sweet, you are one funny guy! :-)

    Reply

  41. #
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    Jen @ My Kitchen Addiction — January 28, 2010 @ 12:55 pm

    I just have to say that I really enjoyed reading this post! So fun… Mr. How Sweet It Is can come make breakfast at my house anytime. The time and temperature math sounds like something my hubby would do!

    Reply

  42. #
    92
    Mae @ OhhMay — January 28, 2010 @ 12:59 pm

    Bahahhaa this is awesome! It sounds like a combination of my brother and father, except with a better sence of humor. Hahha I love it!!

    By the way, the fact that today alone I’ve left 9359023 comments on your blog doesn’t mean I’m creepily obsessed with you, I promise!! (Haha I accidently double commented on the last post… my bad!)

    Reply

  43. #
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    Jessica (Fit and Clean) — January 30, 2010 @ 9:27 pm

    I was catching up, and your husband is hilarious! Funny stuff :)

    Reply

  44. #
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    Erin @ Big Girl Eats — February 3, 2010 @ 3:29 pm

    Mr. Sweets, props to you on getting up and working said machinery at 5:15am, sans coffee. I would burn the house down.

    Jess, I really love your family’s sense of humor even more now after these posts. My sister, 24, is recently single. Her favorite things include: Maker’s Mark, sarcasm, Chuck Klosterman, and meats of all varieties (especially bacon). If Will ever finds himself in Boston, it could be a dream date.

    Reply

  45. #
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    Miri — June 6, 2011 @ 10:18 pm

    haha I think I like Jess’s DAD the most! Excellent work, Sir, besting those boys while still looking out for your daughter! :)

    Reply

  46. #
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    Tina — September 20, 2012 @ 10:33 am

    Only discovered your blog yesterday, and now going thru ffrom the beginning, I am so very impressed!!! With them all! and your familyy is amazing!! keep up the inspirations and the cooking (started doing something about my health, like you said…it starts today)!

    Reply

  47. #
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    Mary Jo — January 5, 2013 @ 6:32 pm

    Holy Holy, this post is HILARIOUS! I love to laugh, so thank you! -MJ

    Reply

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    98
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