(Remember a few weeks ago when my brother wrote a guest post? Well, someone was feeling left out. Please take a moment to read a bit about my stuffed-turkey loving husband. He took his own pictures, going great lengths to take them in natural light. He didn’t want to feel my wrath.)
Once my awesome brother-in-law Will wrote a guest post, I knew that I now had a destiny. I too must write one. It is not for competitive reasons but rather to set this blog right. Will, as charming as he is (approximately 3 times more charming than Jess but only 1/3 as charming as the other brother-in-law) missed the goal of his post. He wanted to make this a manly blog, bringing some much needed testosterone….and he ends up turning this into an eHarmony ad with some ground turkey and a dash of taco seasoning. If you have not read his post, you must check it out. It’s hilarious and captures Will’s spirit to a T. If you are single (or even if you aren’t – I don’t judge.), Will is a catch and won’t be on the market long so contact him today. You aren’t getting any younger, you know.
Anyway, obviously Jess not asking me – her hubby – to write a post must have been an oversight. One that needed corrected. So I took it upon myself to write one. But what would the topic be? Ground turkey tacos? Been there. The awesomeness of my NASCAR die casts? Done that. My mounted wild turkey trophy? Bought the t-shirt.
(Correction: I was probably too drunk to buy the t-shirt.)
I decided to tackle the subject of many of Jess’s tweets and snide comments – my behavior in the mornings. Some could describe my mornings in two words: Train wreck.
Another good comparison would be that of a bear waking up from hibernation.
Pictured below are some of the walls I walk into and steps I stumble down on a daily basis.
Oddly, this appeared in the middle of the floor at about the same time I informed Jess that we now had life insurance policies and I was probably worth more to her dead than alive. Coincidence? You be the judge.
By this point of the morning, I’m hungry. I’ve overcome countless booby traps and I need to get my protein on. I mean, I haven’t eaten in like 8 hours. I’m a huge fan of charities that feed the hungry because I know what its like to be hungry. In fact, I’m hungry right now.
You are already aware that I go through phases where I eat the same thing over and over again. But that was when I was single and had to cook for myself. Now that I’m married, I have variety. (Note to Will: don’t write-off getting married. But never marry someone that grew up in a house that had a cleaning lady. Did I just say that?) You get to eat cool stuff, like lobster mac-n-cheese and whole wheat breaded crispy chicken. It tastes just like Long John Silver’s. If there is a bigger compliment, I do not know what it is. Just sayin’, Will.
However, I still eat the same thing over and over for breakfast because someone does not want to wake at the butt crack of dawn to make me breakfast. Well, right now, I’m in an eggs-and-bagel-for-breakfast phase. And since this is a food blog, I’ll share my special recipe with you, my fans.
First, I take three jumbo eggs.
Next, I Pam the bejesus out of the griddle.
Fact: every square millimeter must be Pam’ed. If you are not going through at least a can of Pam/week, you are not doing it right. As soon as Jess starts going to Sam’s Club she can critique how much Pam I use. At 5:00AM.
Next, set the temperature on high. The higher the better.
Fact: the hotter the pan or oven or griddle or stove gets the faster the food cooks. I’m all about the numbers. If you are supposed to cook something at 350 degrees for 30 minutes, it only makes numerical sense to cook it at 400 degrees for just under 26 minutes. 14% increase in temperature = 14% less cooking time. It’s true. I saw that on Rachel Ray once. She mentioned it once while talking about EVOO. Or maybe it was Giada.
OK, let’s be honest, I don’t hear a word Giada says. Hi Giada. Call me.
Breaks eggs and slightly pepper.
Can’t you just smell the pepperness?
Now it gets tricky. It’s 5:10AM. I’m still technically asleep. I have a smokin’ hot griddle going and now I’m going to work the toaster. I have what, in my hands, can only be described as two weapons of mass destruction going. That’s right ladies. Men can multi-task. You heard it here first. But don’t ask us to listen to what your saying while there’s a football game on. Or hockey game. Or NASCAR race. Or midget wrestling.
After that, I devour it in approximately 2.2 seconds.
To be honest, I enjoyed blogging.
It’s really hard. I had to work at it all day long, but it left me satisfied and smiling.
That’s what she said.