2013 Recipe Disasters.

Well. I just titled this “2014 recipe disasters,” so that should give you an idea of how wrecked 2013 was. Lots of recipes failed SO many times in 2013 that I added a year onto my life. Because it’s just impossible that I had that many fails. Oomph.

I say it every year, I know. But this year? It was the WORST in the kitchen so far. So many fails. So, so, so many. In the very beginning of the year, I was finishing some recipes for my cookbook. Hello, self doubt and fails in every way? Oh yes. It wasn’t just that though. Lots of new recipe experimentation and good old ideas that tanked. Fun!

As I embark on my fifth year of this stuff, it’s always fun to take a look back on tradition and my kitchen blunders. You can also find:

2012 recipe fails

2011 recipe fails (and apparently the year when I thought rhyming was cool.)

2010 recipe fails

And this doesn’t even count the floor-smashed eggs and spilled milk that’s a daily occurence. When we don’t even have kids.

So. Here we go!

I cannot count that number of batches of coconut oil brownies I attempted. Started last December… gave up in late summer.

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Probably ten? What’s the definition of insanity again? Perhaps it wouldn’t have been so insane had I stopped using ALL coconut oil and still expecting rich and fudgy traditional brownies, but no. Why would I have done that? Clueless.

These were gritty in your mouth. Doesn’t that sound like something you want to sink your teeth into?

I made this clementine chicken skillet this past Spring.

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It was probably good in theory, but then I went and added things like beer, peanuts, parsley and uh, spinach? I have no idea where that was going. No where good, that’s for sure.

After learning of the fabulousness of skillet pizza first thing this year, early on I decided I’d make dessert skillet pizza.

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This was atrocious. I have no other words.

Then I tried to make mini pepperoni pizzas. Why did I think a muffin tin was appropriate for that?

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Spoiler alert: it isn’t.

One thing I made that was delicious? These dark chocolate mini loaves.

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Then I lost the recipe. Maybe I just never wrote it down? I’ve never been able to recreate their moistness since. Yeah, I said it. Go ahead. Yell at me.

And this happens more often than not. The missing recipes… not the moist cake.

I could’ve just had a bad year with loaf pans. This yeasted coffee cake below failed FOUR times.

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It’s exploded in my oven all four times too. AWESOME.

Goat cheese alfredo? Sounded fab to me.

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But it curdled and separated and was nothing that I hoped for. The good news is that I figured it out. We can talk about it soon. Also: what was I doing with the plain tomatoes? That’s just gross.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I was THISCLOSE to sharing a rice krispie recipe. I thought those days were behind me.

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They’re not, I guess. I love me some culinary lavender, but these tasted like flowers. Rice krispie flowers. I do not support the floral crunch dessert. You may think a lot of my food is weird but this? Is weirder.

I also went through a two hour phase of photographing food on ripped pieces of a cardboard box. What?

Hmmm. Again: Why did I think the below was a good idea?

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Yes that is cheese. No, it is not a Kraft single but it appears that way. Yes, it was made by me. No, I am not three years old.

I swear it was a real thing, based on a breakfast I had in Nantucket in June. Apparently I didn’t convey my love properly. This looks horrific. But hey! AT LEAST I GOT THE POURING SHOT. Stuff that matters.

I thought it would be an excellent idea to make roasted cherry chocolate chip cookies.

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It was not.

Speaking of fruit, I also thought it would be an awesome plan to make roasted strawberry marshmallows. And homemade chocolate graham crackers.

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Seriously can’t even. An awful, awful mess. Gross beyond words.

Pesto pork chops sounded great in my head.

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Would YOU want to eat green pork?

These blondies? Below was my first attempt.

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Remember that time I thought it would be a wise idea to melt cheese on meatloaf?

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On no, you don’t. Because I never told you. THANK GOD.

The saddest fail for me in all of this year were these whole wheat pumpkin sticky buns.

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They look pretty good, right? I even added pistachios!

Too bad they tasted like cardboard. Or worse. I had been excited about this recipe since August, after visiting American Spoon. It came out of their fall catalog but I thought I could be cool and make it a whole wheat dough. I couldn’t. It was sad. My mom ate one and was disgusted. Fail fail fail.

A few weeks ago, we attempted these jalapeño jack turkey burgers.

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They turned out fantastic. As you can see.

And just last Sunday, I dropped an entire sheet of cookies in my hot, hot oven.

That was great. I can’t show you the picture because you will judge me and my dirty oven. Truth.

And there you have just a little portion of my year. To say it’s been a learning experience would be quite the understatement… yet after every fail, I wonder “what the heck am I actually learning?” The jury’s still out. But! Thanks for sharing in all of my gluttony this year. You guys rock my socks. Now seriously? Tell me about some of your kitchen fails so I can feel like I have friends. Hearts hearts hearts!