life with max: two weeks in.
I am slooooowly coming out of the two week newborn haze!
Well. Wait.
That’s a lie. I am still in the newborn haze.
{this is probably my favorite picture of him ever}
Last night I said to Eddie that we should order pizza. Then I said… oh but wait, we just had it three days ago. He’s like… Jess… no, we had it TEN days ago. Oh how my days are running together.
Honestly I have no idea what day it is. Ever.
It’s killing me because I’m already missing this phase that I’m in. I’m already nostalgic for the days that have passed. And I keep telling everyone that it’s not like I am not savoring every moment. If there is ONE thing I’m doing, it’s truly savoring every moment. I have savored every moment since I’ve been home – and it’s STILL flying by! I guess this is what parenthood is, no? It’s killin’ me, smalls.
Right now, at this exact moment, I feel like this: I know this stage won’t last forever. I know it will fly by as it is already and that I will miss it and crave it for the rest of my life. At the same time, I feel like I will never be able to leave the house alone again or live my life again. I told this to my mom who laughed hysterically and was all OMG I SO REMEMBER THAT.
It’s crazy, but true.
{I never sleep but I’m always happy!}
These last two weeks have been a wonderful whirlwind. God do I love this little nugget so much. Eddie and I keep saying to each other “how can we love him so much?!” We said it moments after he was born and just again this morning.
I swear everywhere we go (like, um, the doctor’s office?) it’s so obvious that we are first time parents because we just stare at him in awe. While he does amazing things like SLEEP. It’s like, look at him sleeping! He is perfection!
And I’m totally the person who gave PICTURES OF MY KID in frames to people for Christmas. Ugh. I’m that person!! I don’t even know me.
The incredible love for him does not surprise me, but let me tell you something. I never really bonded with my “bump” or the baby in my belly, and it killed me the ENTIRE pregnancy. It didn’t even happen much once he started to kick. I didn’t talk about this in my pregnancy updates because 1. I’m sure I was afraid of being judged in my massively hormonal state and 2. I didn’t even want to put it in writing because it broke my heart so much. Even right before he came out, I was scared of how I would feel. I’ve read that this is common but no one that I know – not in real life or fake online life – has experienced this. I was super scared, but the moment he came out I just about died with overwhelming love.
I have never seen Eddie in this state before… EVER. You know, he is a super rational person. Really thinks with his head about 99% of the time. Where I, on the other hand, barely EVER think with my head (yeah, it’s true) and ONLY think with my heart. This baby has melted him into a puddle and I have never seen anything like it. It’s the most wonderful thing. Also, I’m totally now that girl that understands the whole “wait until you see your husband with your newborn…”
He’d be walking around the hospital room and I’d be like YOU HAVE NEVER LOOKED SO HOT IN YOUR LIFE.
It’s true. That’s a thing, apparently.
And it’s not like there is any denying: he is Eddie’s clone. Sometimes I look down at him and I’m like… dude, I’m holding your dad. I keep asking Eddie if it’s incredible to have a son and one that looks just like you!? He tears up. Constantly.
{we spend all day in bed…}
So real life over the last two weeks? It’s looked like this.
I went five whole days without one wink of sleep. I was awake the entire night I was in labor (when I didn’t know it) with him. The night he was born, I refused to sleep because I couldn’t stop staring at him. Not because I was scared, but because I couldn’t believe that he was mine, that he was ours. I looked at him the entire night. Picked him up just to stare. The next night, he cluster fed for HOURS and I didn’t sleep again. The first two nights home, we were trying to learn what was going on and he was awake to eat so much and I was afraid to sleep (still sort of am) and no.sleep.happened.
It wasn’t until we’d been home for two days that I finally got a few hours, broken apart.
Is it crazy to say that I don’t mind? I must have been so high on adrenaline, but I also knew it wouldn’t be forever. And the only time I started to really lose it was when I was hungry. As long as I was fed, I could deal.
Right now, I’m getting about two to three hours a night, not consecutively. Who knew one could survive on this?
{this is what I looked like at 3AM on day 4 of life}
Speaking on food, I AM STARVING. I am so thirsty and am eating everything in sight and drinking more water than ever. I’m pounding coconut water like it’s going out of style. For the first few days, Eddie would literally feed me while I fed Max and tried to get my bearings. I am talking like – hold my water bottle to my mouth and spoon feed me snacks – type of thing. It was insanely vulnerable and perfect.
And speaking of feeding… I had no idea how much I’d love feeding Max. Oh my god. I love feeding him so much. It’s the reason I don’t mind being awake all night and day. For the last two weeks we have lived on the couch or in bed. We’ve watched countless Christmas movies and more trash on E! than I ever thought possible. The first few days we were home, I was cleaning out paperwork and came across the little paper booklet they gave me at the hospital with newborn tips. It said something along the lines of “breastfeeding is the first way a baby learns to love its mother and it’s also the baby’s first experience in pleasure and happiness.” For some reason this made me MELT and I cried like a child and it meant so much to me. Maybe because I love food and am food obsessed – but seeing the “bonding moment” written out in words, the moment that I already was feeling, was just too much for me.
I am so thankful that this kid is eating like a CHAMP. He latched within minutes and basically has never stopped. I am so grateful because it was a huge fear of mine – many friends have struggled with feeding and in my usual “worst case scenario” brain, I was convinced I would too. I am so, so thankful this is not the case. I have had no issues yet, but I know that they could still arise in the next few weeks or even months. I still have no idea what I’m doing, but I do feel like there have been a few things that have helped me: we feed skin-on-skin almost every single time and have since he was born, I drink more coconut water than I ever thought possible on top of regular water, so I’m super hydrated, and I’m eating a ton – mostly balanced and some junk too, give it’s the holidays. But – I really don’t know anything and could just be making assumptions.
{bright colors!}
Eddie had to go back to work right when we got home, so we were immediately thrown into life together… ALONE. That morning was so hard because Eddie was so devastated to leave and I was semi-nervous, but the truth is… I had nothing to do except care for this little bundle of joy. All recipes for the blog are done for months. I wasn’t even thinking about cleaning up the clutter all over the house. It really was all about survival, just like many of you have told me.
The first day, it took me two hours to make breakfast. And when I say breakfast, I mean like almond butter on toast. I couldn’t really shower for about two days. And when I did, I wanted to scream VICTORY! So yeah, moms, I GET IT NOW! All we do is cuddle all day long. And eat. SO MUCH.
And I’m not kidding: I can’t put him down. I just freaking love him so much that I can’t put him down and I can’t stop staring at him. In fact, as I type this, he is sleeping on my chest. I realize that someday this may be a huge issue if he expects to be held constantly but man… I can’t put him down at two weeks old. Truthfully, I’ve been slightly better at it these last few days – I’ve done things like clean the kitchen and put away Christmas gifts and stuff like that. But really… I want to hold him 24/7. And at night when Eddie gets home, I love seeing his eyes light up because he can’t wait to hold him and snuggle him. UGH. It’s just so good.
{apparently I inherited my mom’s pale legs}
I feel fairly normal and pretty good – the only issue I had was from the stupid epidural I ended up getting. My back has hurt so badly that I can’t imagine EVER getting one again. Like, hurt to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed, walk properly or bend over. It’s like the deepest bruise ever. I’ve been super annoyed with it. What really helped me in regards to that though – I had bought a belly bandit to wear after giving birth and it’s been a lifesaver because of the support it’s given my back. So that’s a total win.
I can’t believe how much Max has grown already – it’s killing me. He looks different everyday and his belly is fatter and he has more chins. I DIE. I want to stop time! And with the holidays being so crazy, it still feels like we haven’t even got to spend time as a family of three, just us. Unless you want to count the middle of the night while Eddie sleeps next to us and we eat and watch The Girls Next Door and Fresh Prince of Bel Air reruns. I mean, that’s pretty fun. I never ever ever want the holidays to end, but for the first time in my life I’m kind of looking forward to getting back to “real life” or should I say “new life” – and enjoying regular days without tons of visitors and parties and whatnot. So unlike me.
I’m hoping to do an update every one or two weeks – so I don’t forget all these magic moments. Oh and I’m TOTALLY going to do baby favorites each month on this page – starting in January. In the meantime, he is just my favorite everything. Cue the MUSHY FACE.
89 Comments on “life with max: two weeks in.”
Isn’t is crazy?!!!! Who ever thought you could be so exhausted yet elated at the same time?!
The husband + baby thing is awesome. When our little guy was like a week old, I had JUST fallen asleep & my husband woke me up to tell me “Ahh he just yawned! Cutest thing EVER” – then he realized what he said & we bust out laughing!
Elias just turned a year old & makes us laugh every day! Last week my husband was at his buddy’s house & the wife text to tell me that my hubby just kept talking about how he was excited to come home & see his boy.
Enjoy him! It’s a beautiful thing to watch & the extra snuggles are soooooooooooooo good!
I loved, loved, loved this post…so honest, so all pure emotion and perfect. I have to say, the Christmas baby clothes are killers and the “Best Present Ever”…I just do not have words. I am so looking forward to reading your Max updates as we move into the new year. He is beyond cute. Thanks to you and Eddie for sharing him with all of us.
This post is just brimming with love and I love it so much! He is literally perfect and adorable – I just die over everything you are posting on instagram. Even though we still a year or two off from starting our family, reading this actually made me excited for it (usually thinking about it scares the crap out of me). Enjoy this time and I can’t wait for baby favorites!
Hey Jessica,
Max is so adorable. Thanks for sharing pics and your blog about him with us. Enjoy every moment with him. You are so right…they go so fast. (This from a mother of 18 and 12 year old boys). I am very happy for Eddie and you. Happy New Year!
I am four months in with my first baby (boy). Everything you were talking about here I kept saying “yep!”. Being a mother is the best and having healthy, sweet, happy babies is a blessing. Enjoy the moments (but it sounds like you already are). Good job momma.
I cannot get over how adorable he is. That smile!! Congrats.
Thanks. I feel much better after reading this update.
It is the job of Gramps to worry and obsess over everything
Sigh…beautiful baby…beautiful time of life…so happy for you! I totally get the savor every moment comments…I feel like I’ve tried to savor every second but at the same time they’re slipping away too fast…I remember pushing my baby girl in the grocery cart and literally crying while doing my shopping because she was so amazing and I loved her so much…I was crying because I was also living the moment as my future self already missing it…wondering how I could capture it and hold onto it forever…magical days…crazy days filled with emotions….sounds like you’re drinking all of it in…Thanks for sharing the joy!
Jess-
So my baby girl Mia came late, I was due the 9th and she came on the 20th, I think your original due date? I was actually induced on the 19th and it took over 24 hours for her to come but it was a pretty smooth process. I can relate to a lot of what you have posted so far…the out of body experience right before preparing for delivery, the joy of feedings and it being successful (I too was and have been super nervous about that), the never wanting to put her down and having her sleep on me, my husband’s transformation and how amazing it is to see…it really is a wonderful time! I look forward to continue reading your posts and gushing over everything possible baby related!!! :)
Have a fabulous New Years! I know my hubs and I could not be more excited to stay in with just her and relax, watch some movies, and eat a lot!!! ;) Cheers!! :)
Oh…BTW…The Wire is excellent and will suck you in after a few episodes if you have not already seen it all before….my husband has not watched it so I look forward to experiencing it all over again!! :)
Precious little guy! I’m glad you’re able to relax and let everything go except cuddling with that little guy. That’s the ONLY way to do it!
OMG thank you THANK YOU! For giving us updated on Max. And your brand new family. It’s weird I feel like I know you guys and wonder how your doing! Ha! So I was so happy to read about your labor, and the past couple weeks. Happy healthy new year!
Xxo
Dawn
Thank you so much for sharing this. I’m closing out my third trimester and am both excited and fearful of what’s to come. Who is this tiny person? What will my life become? Can we handle this much change? Who are we going to be? All of that. Reading about your experience is really soothing for me.
Jessica
Thank you so much for your post. My daughter was born in January, 14 years ago, but I live near Cleveland and was used to enduring winters with a capital ‘W’ every year, and that year was no different. I remember hunkering down for days on end, and nights, with my daughter just like you’ve described. I cannot tell you how many times I watched Eddie Izzard’s HBO special during those nights (and I’m still a fan, it was his “Dressed to Kill” special, if you ever get the chance).
I remember catching some kooky infomercials and QVC offerings, but between confirming my order for a set of rubber brooms and an auto-delivery of trashy chocolate pretzel rods, I managed to confirm that “love” was not even good enough to describe what I felt for this little bundle sleeping in my arms.
You’ve both reminded and confirmed to me so many of the feelings I had upon my daughter’s birth. I remember being so tired at a 3 a.m. feeding that I was near tears, but then when I realized that 12 months from that moment I would be sleeping through the night and so would she, I really started to cry. I was grateful, and still am, for that burst of perspective, and have no idea what inspired it, but your post reminded me, and I am so grateful for that; your words also made me smile, and nostalgic, and a little sad, but most of all peaceful, and happy with all my heart for you.
Jess, I’ve been reading your blog for so long now and this is the first time I’ve left a comment. I am literally days away from giving birth and reading this post just made my heart melt. You beautiful mama! You’re making me so excited to meet our little guy! Congratulations on your little fellow :)
If you need something new to watch (and you’ll need to On Demand the first 5 episodes, episode 6 is on tonight) watch The State of Affairs. It’s on NBC and it’s GREAT. My sister told me about it and I spent the weekend watching the first 5 episodes. It’s on at 10:00 EST on Monday’s.
You make it all seem so easy! Lucky you!! Enjoy the cuddles!
Jessica – this post made me cry like 4 times. My little guy (whose name happens to be EDDIE) was born on August 28, so I can TOTALLY relate to all of this. Every second. It’s awesome to read about all the emotions that I’ve felt, too, over the last few months. Thanks for sharing! <3
Congratulations! My little one (John Francis) is 12 weeks old today. Time flies by so quickly! I am admittedly obsessed with my little one. I stare at him, smell his breath, kiss him constantly and take more pictures than you could imagine. Enjoy it! What a blessing!
Oh my!! I loved reading this post Jessica! I don’t why I am just seeing it now, but either way he is so adorable and it’s obvious that you are enormously in love with him. Thanks for sharing your sweet story!
Omg this was wonderful and made me cry. GAH.
Oh my!! I am just now (5 months in) coming out of baby haze over here and reading all about Mr. Max! My little Lucy cluster fed all night her second night and that was literally the ONE thing no one told me about! Did you know ahead of time?!?
I am in complete love with your recounting of baby life and can relate so much. Thank you for your updates <3
i have been so crazy as work i havent been able to read your blog for weeks! ahhhhh this is the sweetest post! i cant wait for us to have this!
First off, Max is SO cute! Congrats! Your posts about him are so adorable and real and raw, and as a mom of three who is pretty happy her youngest is getting older and more independent (he’s 16 months)–this makes me a bit nostalgic for the newborn phase again. So keep posting these so I can live vicariously through you!!
Isn’t it nuts how fast the change from their newborn pics. They grow so darn fast! He is a mini version of your husband indeed. Ugh, I love scrunchy newborn pics like the first one you posted!!!
Very cool. You have a great blog. ;) Totally curious – where’d you get that outfit in your “favorite picture of him ever”?
Love it. Such a precious baby!
the brand is carters – i believe it came from target!
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About that hot husband thing: impossible though it seems, it increases with every additional kid that you have. I have three little children. And my guy was already all that to begin with. It’s a whole new level of attractive. Rock on.
Oh my god! I’m only 21 and not planning on having kids at the moment, but the pictures of your little guy?!?! I cannot wait to have one like that!!!
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