life with max: two weeks in.
I am slooooowly coming out of the two week newborn haze!
Well. Wait.
That’s a lie. I am still in the newborn haze.
{this is probably my favorite picture of him ever}
Last night I said to Eddie that we should order pizza. Then I said… oh but wait, we just had it three days ago. He’s like… Jess… no, we had it TEN days ago. Oh how my days are running together.
Honestly I have no idea what day it is. Ever.
It’s killing me because I’m already missing this phase that I’m in. I’m already nostalgic for the days that have passed. And I keep telling everyone that it’s not like I am not savoring every moment. If there is ONE thing I’m doing, it’s truly savoring every moment. I have savored every moment since I’ve been home – and it’s STILL flying by! I guess this is what parenthood is, no? It’s killin’ me, smalls.
Right now, at this exact moment, I feel like this: I know this stage won’t last forever. I know it will fly by as it is already and that I will miss it and crave it for the rest of my life. At the same time, I feel like I will never be able to leave the house alone again or live my life again. I told this to my mom who laughed hysterically and was all OMG I SO REMEMBER THAT.
It’s crazy, but true.
{I never sleep but I’m always happy!}
These last two weeks have been a wonderful whirlwind. God do I love this little nugget so much. Eddie and I keep saying to each other “how can we love him so much?!” We said it moments after he was born and just again this morning.
I swear everywhere we go (like, um, the doctor’s office?) it’s so obvious that we are first time parents because we just stare at him in awe. While he does amazing things like SLEEP. It’s like, look at him sleeping! He is perfection!
And I’m totally the person who gave PICTURES OF MY KID in frames to people for Christmas. Ugh. I’m that person!! I don’t even know me.
The incredible love for him does not surprise me, but let me tell you something. I never really bonded with my “bump” or the baby in my belly, and it killed me the ENTIRE pregnancy. It didn’t even happen much once he started to kick. I didn’t talk about this in my pregnancy updates because 1. I’m sure I was afraid of being judged in my massively hormonal state and 2. I didn’t even want to put it in writing because it broke my heart so much. Even right before he came out, I was scared of how I would feel. I’ve read that this is common but no one that I know – not in real life or fake online life – has experienced this. I was super scared, but the moment he came out I just about died with overwhelming love.
I have never seen Eddie in this state before… EVER. You know, he is a super rational person. Really thinks with his head about 99% of the time. Where I, on the other hand, barely EVER think with my head (yeah, it’s true) and ONLY think with my heart. This baby has melted him into a puddle and I have never seen anything like it. It’s the most wonderful thing. Also, I’m totally now that girl that understands the whole “wait until you see your husband with your newborn…”
He’d be walking around the hospital room and I’d be like YOU HAVE NEVER LOOKED SO HOT IN YOUR LIFE.
It’s true. That’s a thing, apparently.
And it’s not like there is any denying: he is Eddie’s clone. Sometimes I look down at him and I’m like… dude, I’m holding your dad. I keep asking Eddie if it’s incredible to have a son and one that looks just like you!? He tears up. Constantly.
{we spend all day in bed…}
So real life over the last two weeks? It’s looked like this.
I went five whole days without one wink of sleep. I was awake the entire night I was in labor (when I didn’t know it) with him. The night he was born, I refused to sleep because I couldn’t stop staring at him. Not because I was scared, but because I couldn’t believe that he was mine, that he was ours. I looked at him the entire night. Picked him up just to stare. The next night, he cluster fed for HOURS and I didn’t sleep again. The first two nights home, we were trying to learn what was going on and he was awake to eat so much and I was afraid to sleep (still sort of am) and no.sleep.happened.
It wasn’t until we’d been home for two days that I finally got a few hours, broken apart.
Is it crazy to say that I don’t mind? I must have been so high on adrenaline, but I also knew it wouldn’t be forever. And the only time I started to really lose it was when I was hungry. As long as I was fed, I could deal.
Right now, I’m getting about two to three hours a night, not consecutively. Who knew one could survive on this?
{this is what I looked like at 3AM on day 4 of life}
Speaking on food, I AM STARVING. I am so thirsty and am eating everything in sight and drinking more water than ever. I’m pounding coconut water like it’s going out of style. For the first few days, Eddie would literally feed me while I fed Max and tried to get my bearings. I am talking like – hold my water bottle to my mouth and spoon feed me snacks – type of thing. It was insanely vulnerable and perfect.
And speaking of feeding… I had no idea how much I’d love feeding Max. Oh my god. I love feeding him so much. It’s the reason I don’t mind being awake all night and day. For the last two weeks we have lived on the couch or in bed. We’ve watched countless Christmas movies and more trash on E! than I ever thought possible. The first few days we were home, I was cleaning out paperwork and came across the little paper booklet they gave me at the hospital with newborn tips. It said something along the lines of “breastfeeding is the first way a baby learns to love its mother and it’s also the baby’s first experience in pleasure and happiness.” For some reason this made me MELT and I cried like a child and it meant so much to me. Maybe because I love food and am food obsessed – but seeing the “bonding moment” written out in words, the moment that I already was feeling, was just too much for me.
I am so thankful that this kid is eating like a CHAMP. He latched within minutes and basically has never stopped. I am so grateful because it was a huge fear of mine – many friends have struggled with feeding and in my usual “worst case scenario” brain, I was convinced I would too. I am so, so thankful this is not the case. I have had no issues yet, but I know that they could still arise in the next few weeks or even months. I still have no idea what I’m doing, but I do feel like there have been a few things that have helped me: we feed skin-on-skin almost every single time and have since he was born, I drink more coconut water than I ever thought possible on top of regular water, so I’m super hydrated, and I’m eating a ton – mostly balanced and some junk too, give it’s the holidays. But – I really don’t know anything and could just be making assumptions.
{bright colors!}
Eddie had to go back to work right when we got home, so we were immediately thrown into life together… ALONE. That morning was so hard because Eddie was so devastated to leave and I was semi-nervous, but the truth is… I had nothing to do except care for this little bundle of joy. All recipes for the blog are done for months. I wasn’t even thinking about cleaning up the clutter all over the house. It really was all about survival, just like many of you have told me.
The first day, it took me two hours to make breakfast. And when I say breakfast, I mean like almond butter on toast. I couldn’t really shower for about two days. And when I did, I wanted to scream VICTORY! So yeah, moms, I GET IT NOW! All we do is cuddle all day long. And eat. SO MUCH.
And I’m not kidding: I can’t put him down. I just freaking love him so much that I can’t put him down and I can’t stop staring at him. In fact, as I type this, he is sleeping on my chest. I realize that someday this may be a huge issue if he expects to be held constantly but man… I can’t put him down at two weeks old. Truthfully, I’ve been slightly better at it these last few days – I’ve done things like clean the kitchen and put away Christmas gifts and stuff like that. But really… I want to hold him 24/7. And at night when Eddie gets home, I love seeing his eyes light up because he can’t wait to hold him and snuggle him. UGH. It’s just so good.
{apparently I inherited my mom’s pale legs}
I feel fairly normal and pretty good – the only issue I had was from the stupid epidural I ended up getting. My back has hurt so badly that I can’t imagine EVER getting one again. Like, hurt to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed, walk properly or bend over. It’s like the deepest bruise ever. I’ve been super annoyed with it. What really helped me in regards to that though – I had bought a belly bandit to wear after giving birth and it’s been a lifesaver because of the support it’s given my back. So that’s a total win.
I can’t believe how much Max has grown already – it’s killing me. He looks different everyday and his belly is fatter and he has more chins. I DIE. I want to stop time! And with the holidays being so crazy, it still feels like we haven’t even got to spend time as a family of three, just us. Unless you want to count the middle of the night while Eddie sleeps next to us and we eat and watch The Girls Next Door and Fresh Prince of Bel Air reruns. I mean, that’s pretty fun. I never ever ever want the holidays to end, but for the first time in my life I’m kind of looking forward to getting back to “real life” or should I say “new life” – and enjoying regular days without tons of visitors and parties and whatnot. So unlike me.
I’m hoping to do an update every one or two weeks – so I don’t forget all these magic moments. Oh and I’m TOTALLY going to do baby favorites each month on this page – starting in January. In the meantime, he is just my favorite everything. Cue the MUSHY FACE.
89 Comments on “life with max: two weeks in.”
he is simply stunning. your post is beautiful, thank you for sharing your thoughts and words with us internet pals who are just so over the moon for you and your hubby :)
please don’t feel guilty about holding him 24/7…babies need skin to skin now more than ever in their life. it helps regulate his heart beat and calms him down. your heat beat and smell is the only familiar thing to him…so go with that and cuddle with him 24/7…ignore all the nay-sayers lol.
enjoy every once of him…he is TOO cute!!
100% agreed about skin-to-skin & holding 24/7!
This post is everything!!! I loved it so much. You are a wonderful mom!!!
I have to be honest because I think it’s actually super important even though it makes me feel like theworstmomever. I don’t remember bonding much with the bump/ baby while I was pregnant either. And, even worse, it took me awhile to really bond and feel in loooooove with my baby. It probably didn’t help that I was puking and miserable moments after she was born (thanks, anesthesia/ c-section fun) and the puking continued for a few hours afterwards. I mean, I loved her, but I think it took a couple months for us to really get to know each other and bond. She’s 8 (almost 9!) months old now and I feel like I finally get it. I still feel like I missed out on something huge by not feeling immediately in love but I guess maybe that’s just how I am? Who knows. We’ll see how I do if/ when we have another baby.
PS. Yes to the post-baby extra ridiculous hotness! And Max is so adorable. Maybe he’ll be into older ladies for Amelia’s sake. :)
Dammit, I meant: “Yes to the post-baby extra ridiculous husband hotness!”
I felt the same way. I loved my baby but didn’t fall head over heels like so many do and thus felt like something must be wrong with me. It did happen later but those first few weeks (months, even) were such an adjustment that I feel like I forgot to enjoy them. Totally in love with her now, of course. (she’s already 16 months!) My sister was the same way with hers so maybe it’s something in our genetic makeup.
Also, Jessica, so glad to hear that you are soaking up these moments and that they are so wonderful for you! He is beautiful.
You are not the worst mom ever! I absolutely felt this way with our oldest child. I was never one of those moms who talked about “in love” they were their baby during pregnancy. And it took a few months to really feel like our daughter was mine after she was born. I loved her and would have done anything for her but I just didn’t have that head/heart connection right away. But once I got it, it was fierce. I didn’t have the same issues bonding with our other 2 as our first though.
You are an awesome Mom!As mushy as it sounds,there is nothing like the love you feel!Savor it!Max is so beautiful!Love this post!
Aww such a super love stuffed post Jessica! Thanks for the update. You all are doing fabulous by the sounds of it.
I don’t know how I missed this update yesterday, but I’m glad I’m seeing it now! I love your honesty and your crazy head over heels love, that’s how I felt too with my first. After reading this you’ve made me excited for the newborn days again, I’m 7 months pregnant with our second. :) You’re doing everything that you should, enjoying that baby, let others feed you, and sleep…one day it will come again!
I have no words for the cuteness of your little Max…perfection!!
I think its pretty common not to bond with the baby in utero. I think women are just sometimes afraid to admit it. I didn’t and it took me awhile after my son was born (he is 10 months). I think for me I had to fall in love with him. And that took time. Perfectly normal I think and by a few weeks we fell HARD for him. Those first few weeks. CRAZY. I ended up getting an emergency c-section after 24 hours of labor and then got a post partum infection and had to be re-admitted and then people just kept coming over to our house! Totally understand wanting to start the new normal. I also had zero problems breast feeding and am so one of those people who love breast feeding, which was REALLY unexpected. He loves his mom/baby feeding time, even now. The beginning was really hard for us with all the hormones and everything but it keeps getting easier and easier and now at 10 months, things are REALLY great (he still wakes up at night to eat, but I REALLY don’t mind getting up. And he is literally the best baby ever besides waking up 2x at night). I think now, at 10 months i LOVE it like you love the newborn stage. He crawls and stands and laughs and plays and snuggles and it is the BEST. The newborn stage was much harder for me. Glad you are doing well!
This is the sweetest post ever. Congratulations, I can’t wait to keep reading!
I never bonded with the belly bump either, FYI. I couldn’t picture or name my babies until birth. I’m not sure if it’s some sort of defense mechanism in certain women or what, but don’t ever beat yourself up about it.
And I love these posts and pics and all of it! When I see him lying there stretching out or curling up, I just wanna pick him up and squeeze him! Every phase of parenting has its joys. You will always want to hold that little baby. My kids are 8 and 14 now, but I always want my sweet newborns back.
So ridiculously beautiful– made me tear up. I’m not a mother but my husband and I talk about starting our family sometime in the next year or so. This just melted my heart. Thanks for sharing your experience so openly. Perfection; keep it coming! :)
Aw, I have to say. I have never wanted to be a mom. I knew it when I was little (tomboy!) and at 40 still know I made the right decision. I have several nieces and nephews who I love to the moon and cannot do with out, but never wanted my own.
But this, this post, your shouting from the rooftop how much love you have for this child, makes me finally think I am missing out on something!! (although now I am over it! haaa). That is how much this post touched me.
Soo happy for all of you! I cannot wait to read all your updates!
Totally agree with you, Tara–on all points! Know I made the right choice for me too, but times like these make you feel like you’ve truly missed out on that loving’
Totally agree with you, Tara–on all points! Know I made the right choice for me too, but times like these make you feel like you’ve truly missed out on that loving’
I’m with you. I’m only 28, but my boyfriend and I decided almost a decade ago that we would not procreate, and we’re both totally good with the decision. But this post was like, AWWWW. Killed me. So cute.
I love being an aunt, though. Nieces and nephews are the best!!
such a beautiful post! Thank you for putting everything out there! All your excitement and vulnerability and humor! I loved it
I loved this post so much! Didn’t realize there was a baby page until I read Tuesday Things. Can’t wait for more. Was literally melting at you describing Eddie…. omg!!
THANK YOU for writing these! I am due in 2 weeks and this was so much fun to read and make me so excited about the unbelievable changes to come.
What a beautiful post! My boys are 4.5, and I remember those early days. I got a little teary reading all this. So many great memories. Sigh. Time FLIES. (Although, I promise the upcoming stages of baby/toddler are pretty amazing too.)
If you don’t have a baby wrap or carrier, you should get one. That way you can still hold him all day and actually get stuff done. And in my (seasoned) opinion, you can NEVER hold a newborn too much. You have at least another 5-6 months before they develop habits or know enough to manipulate you into picking them up. Right now, it’s alllllll good.
Looking forward to future posts!
You can’t spoil a newborn. It is impossible. Don’t feel guilty for cuddling him too long, or holding him too much, or feeding him every time he cries even if you just fed him. Just love him and cherish these moments and you are doing everything right. You are an excellent mother so don’t ever doubt yourself! I love reading these updates. :)
This post makes me want to bawl everywhere. Utter perfection, Jess!!!! All of it. Sososo much love and happiness for you, Max and Eddie!!!
He is the cutest!!!!! I love these baby updates, and am so happy to hear that you are beyond ecstatic with life right now–even if you are majorly sleep deprived (2-3 hours total?! ahhhh). Here’s to more cuddle time!
Also, I still can’t believe how much he looks like Eddie!
Love love love!!!
I’m reading this post while my two year old (as of today!!!) naps on my chest. I totally get not wanting to put your baby down, and I rarely did for the first few weeks. My daughter has always slept better on/near me (she napped in a sling or the Moby for her first few months, and then I switched to holding her in the glider). I just want to throw it out there that there’s no much controversy surrounding infant & toddler sleep, but please do what you feel is best for you & Max! He is such an adorable little nugget. Enjoy those sleepy cuddles :)
If you could see me you would see lots of smiling. Thank you for sharing. Peace to all of you.
Oops, I meant there is SO much controversy!
I should also add that my daughter started sleeping on a floor bed right after her first birthday. It allowed me to nurse her to sleep and then roll away. For the most part, she now naps independently (after I nurse her to sleep), but I occasionally stay beside her. I still love cuddling with her while she sleeps.
I have a seven month old and I love reading about those first few weeks again. I loved them also. I held my little girl all the time – I would tell you not to worry because they say you cant spoil babies at this age. Think about it, he is used to being help 24/7!!! Plus my philosophy was if I spoil her, it’s my spoiled child to deal with – I’m going to hold her all I can because one day she won’t want me to hold her (and that is the day I will sob uncontrollably). Is this not the best thing you have ever done? I loved nursing my newborn and I still love nursing my baby. I was unsure if I ever wanted to be a mom and now I am all like – how many can I have? Congratulations Jess – savor every moment of this time.
I’m so glad you are doing baby updates! I didn’t realize it until today.
It sounds like you’ve got the mothering thing totally figured out already! Days of snuggling and nursing are exactly what sweet Max needs right now – he has to keep working on those chins! There is no such thing as too much snuggling!
I’ll also echo the suggestion of getting a wrap carrier if you don’t have one already. When Max is a few months older, I highly recommend a Tula. I still use ours every single day and my youngest is 17 months old. Best money I ever spent!
He is amazing and I am just so happy for the three of you…
Such a cutie pie! love this update SO MUCH.
I held my little man practically every minute of the day from the time he was born – at age 4, he is very independent but also a champion snuggler. As far as I’m concerned that is a win :)
I LOVE this post soo soo much. I just laughed, cried, laughed and cried again (and I’m at work!). I just adore your writing, and connect with so many things you have to say. As someone who is about 5 weeks away from giving birth to her first baby herself, this post just makes me SO dang excited to do it. Of course I have been anyway, but I totally and completely understand the whole “I don’t feel totally bonded with this human in my belly/my bump” feeling. I “love” him/her and want him/her to be safe, but I am so eager to experience the love you explained after he/she comes out. Your blurb about thinking Eddie is “so freaking hot” holding your newborn made me laugh! I remember going to a breastfeeding class, and watching my hubby read and take notes and hold the doll and thought “God, do you look good being all “dad like” :) I am soo happy for you and your little family! I eagerly look forward to all of your baby posts, and truth be told, started following Eddie on IG just for the extra baby pics. It’s true. CONGRATULATIONS again on your little love nugget. Can’t wait to keep reading about life with him.
So cute! i am not a baby person at all and I loveloveloved this post. Adorable. I’m so happy for you. Congrats!!
P.S. – Maybe you could try downloading a book or two to read on your phone with the Kindle app while Max nurses. That way you can get some reading in without having to make the commitment to an eReader. If you don’t like, it, it’s back to the Girls Next Door! (I can’t believe they still play that show, btw.) Lol
oh my gosh, he has got to be the cutest newborn I’ve ever seen in my life! congratulations! you three just make the most adorable family!!
Your little man is a little ball of cuteness! I’m 8 months prego and totally feel the same way about my bump. Thanks for being so honest! I’m just waiting for that first moment when I lay eyes on my son and fall in love with him. At least that’s what I hope happens! Please continue the updates! I’m looking forward to them!
this is my favorite thing you have ever ever written.
I am melting. This is the best post ever. I cannot wait to have my own!
He is absolutely adorable. I am so glad you are all doing so well. I am nine weeks away. And this post just makes me happy.
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I enjoyed reading this so much. My husband and I have the hardest time
deciding if we want a baby or not. But your posts just make
me melt.
I’ve been reading your blog since its pink-and-brown days (so basically forever), and I can’t tell you how excited I am for you! Loved loved loved the post, so excited to see him grow! Congratulations to all of you!
Loved this post so much…he is perfect! So happy for you guys :)
Max might be the cutest baby everrrr (with the exception of my 3 week old, of course! I have to say that about my kiddo, amiright!?) ;) But, seriously. He is a DOLL. Being a first time mama myself, it’s super fun to read your perspective and just smile and nod and relate to so many of your words. Congratulations on the most handsome little boy!!!!!
Don’t ever feel guilty about not setting him down. My dad would carry me just about everywhere we went up until I got too big to be carried around for a prolonged period of time. My mom would always joke that my feet didn’t touch the ground until I was 5 years old. In my experience, this is one of the many fond memories that I have showing just how much my dad loves me. The extremely close relationship that I have with my father started from the very beginning because I was constantly reminded of how much he loves me through these little actions such as being carried in his arms. Now that I’m 18, my dad always tells me that the most important thing a parent can do to create a lasting, trusting relationship with their child is to show their child how much they love them. Obviously I haven’t raised a child myself, but I know that it worked for me. Congratulations!
First time MOm with an almost 6 month old.. I cant WAIT for your baby faves!!! Max is a cutie!!! enjoy it, believe it or not he will get CUTER!!!!
I wanted to freeze my son at every age, and at at the same time, I couldn’t wait for the next thing, like when he would give me hugs and draw me pictures.
my little guy is 3 and I totally remember that feeling you described about not being in love with your belly when pregnant. I remember having such an intense fear that something would be wrong when he came out so I couldn’t let myself become attached. If that makes sense. Then, like you said, everything changes the instant he came out. The most surreal feeling came over me for the next few hours or days. And I will never forget the way my husband looked at him while in the hospital and when he would come home from work. So happy you are experiencing it too!
I am so bummed I missed this post initially…but so thrilled to read it as I feed my own baby boy. Everything you’ve said has been my life for the past three months…and you definitely need to savor every second. I made the mistake of thinking I would still be able to accomplish a bunch of stuff when he was first brought home, and I still have days where I need to remind myself just to sit on the couch and cuddle him all day! It’s a tiring but amazingly special time and it only lasts for a little bit. My baby is three months old already and I can’t even handle it! I’m still so excited for you guys and can’t wait to read more all about Max! He is completely adorable :)
This post made me so happy- thank you for sharing! You sound like wonderful mom, and Max is so adorable. Reading this makes me excited to (one-day :) be a mom. Happy holidays!
This baby is SO adorable, I mean seriously precious. Makes me want to have one!
HE’S. SO. FLIPPING. CUTE.
I can’t even handle it.
Snuggle him as much as you want. It’s fantastic for him and for you :) Don’t let anybody make you feel guilty for wanting to hold him all the time. Even if you feel like you don’t know what you’re doing? You totally do. Everybody’s just winging it… some people just like to talk out of their ass while they do it ;) You’re doing wonderfully and Max is so sweet and perfect and ACK. Seriously. Love. He looks so much like your husband, but dude. He’s all you, too! Look at that face! So cute.
Also? This post is so beautiful I started crying. Yes, actually. Thanks pregnancy hormones ;)
I don’t think my mom will ever find this comment section, so I’m gonna say it…I WANT A BABY!!!!!!!!!!
that’s one adorable baby you got there! such a lovely post. :)
xo, cheyenne