Home Alone.

Usually when my husband travels I really have my act together. House is spotless, meals are prepared, workouts are done, relaxing ensues…

 

 

Ok, besides that fact that I sleep on the couch because it is easier to escape an intruder than if I had to jump out of my 2-story bedroom window. Aside from that, I’ve got it all together.

 

This week was quite different. As I tweeted my life away, I was a complete wreck. Dishes left in the sink and all over the place. Clothes thrown everywhere. Toilet paper and paper towel racks lacking said paper. No cooking. Scraping leftover oreo crust from a baking dish for dinner. Dragging myself out of bed. Leaving green monsters stewing in my warm bedroom. Talk about being in a funk.

 

 

 

I’ve been brainstorming ways to feel more secure. My brother comes to stay with me, but I don’t feel like waiting on him hand and foot while he mooches homemade dinners off of me interrupting his life.

 

 

 

Of course, I thought that a security system may help me feel more secure. Then decided we didn’t need the expense. I’d rather buy shoes. And lobster.

 

 

 

 

Perhaps a dog? I begged for one for 5 minutes, then remembered we are never home. And that we have a new house with new carpeting. And then decided I’d rather get a dog when I have 4 rugrats who won’t can take of the dog like my siblings and I never did.

 

 

 

 

 

Yesterday I had an ‘aha!’ moment. A motion detector! Then I’d really feel safe around here. And when the motion detector came on every 5 minutes because there are deer in the yard? Oh. Hmmm..ok. Not so much.

 

 

 

 

I think I’ve figured it out.

 

 

 

 

I need my own personal security guard at the house. Perfect. Just a few days a month. Not a huge expense. Kind of like a rent-a-cop at the mall. But I want a cute one. Boy, those rent-a-cops are harrassed, aren’t they?? 

 

 

 

 

And along with my security guard, I’d like 3 half-dressed figures, preferably resembling George Clooney, Mario Lopez and David Beckham, to fan me and feed me grapes while I lie on a fluffy, cashmere, velvet bed shopping online for shoes. I would feel SO secure. Not only would I have my own rent-a-cop, but I’d have 3 beefcakes to stare at keep me safe.

 

 

 

Oh, and I’ll make sure to keep the house looking like it does below, because who wants to scour through a mess when you are trying to burglarize a house???

 

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(in the corner would be a box for my new crackberry that I got…2 weeks ago)

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(all of those veggies I bought to cook for the week….sure did go to good use)

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(please don’t notice residual oreo crumbs from said oreo crust dinner)

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(don’t even ask what is on that plate. I don’t remember what I ate last Monday)

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(at least oreo baking dish is not available for dinner anymore)

 

 

 

 

 

 

(my floor. enough said.)

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(..wtf..?)

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(4 weeks worth of laundry)

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Not thoroughly disgusted with me yet? Head on over to Julie’s blog to find out what my fitness secrets are. 

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18 Responses to “Home Alone.”

  1. #
    1
    ghettoblackify — October 17, 2009 @ 4:52 pm

    haha.. interesting

    Reply

  2. #
    2
    Lara (Thinspired) — October 17, 2009 @ 4:59 pm

    Oh, man, I don’t know whether to laugh or cry when I read this. I can sooo relate. I hate to admit it, but I am a MESS when I am home alone. I did see your tweets about the green monster but I guess I didn’t realize the context of the situation! It’s such a bummer :( I do think you’re onto something though, with the celebrity-inspired security guards and grapes! ;)

    Reply

  3. #
    3
    Lindsay — October 17, 2009 @ 6:26 pm

    Haha! I love it! I think I could also use a security guard for when my husband is gone. My dogs are great but I like the idea of a cute guy stationed outside! :)

    Reply

  4. #
    4
    Erica — October 17, 2009 @ 7:46 pm

    I am telling you- I have a dog…and it makes me feel SO much more secure when Josh is gone. Other than that, I sleep with a knife in my bedroom when hes gone hahahah. Hope you feel better chica

    Reply

  5. #
    5
    Estela @ Weekly Bite — October 17, 2009 @ 8:09 pm

    Get a dog… a very big dog… it works!

    Reply

  6. #
    6
    Menden (Skinny Menny) — October 17, 2009 @ 8:53 pm

    I’m home alone too right now, and I can completely relate!! Here’s a lesson I’ve learned this weekend with my “home alone” experience: definitely don’t watch “Last House on the Left” alone with a dog that’s scared of her own shadow and a house that has so many windows that it’s like living in a fishbowl. Well, actually, don’t watch that movie, ever. It’s horrifying….(trust me)

    But anyway…love the rent-a-cop idea! Being that I manage a mall, I’ve got plenty of them at my disposal…but trust me, not a one of them is anywhere close to Mario Lopez status ;)

    Reply

  7. #
    7
    Tara — October 17, 2009 @ 9:53 pm

    I hate being alone too, but you’ve got me beat. I make someone stay with me anytime my husband leaves. It’s that bad!

    PS – your house doesn’t look bad! It looks like someone lives there! :)

    Reply

  8. #
    8
    Kaytee — October 17, 2009 @ 10:46 pm

    Your blog has me laughing (out loud) every single time I read it. I love it!

    I’m in a long distance relationship, so I’d like a rent-a-cop too. Only mine needs to walk me to and from my classes and go with me to bars so the creeps stay away. Can we make this happen?

    Reply

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    9
    The Candid RD — October 18, 2009 @ 12:16 am

    You are just too funny. Put those veggies to good use!!

    Reply

  10. #
    10
    Peanut Butter Bliss — October 18, 2009 @ 9:41 am

    haha Im actually the one who cleans the house when everyone is gone. Im a weird kid…

    Reply

  11. #
    11
    runningaroundnormal — October 18, 2009 @ 9:44 am

    My husband just got back from a trip, and I find that a dog and the alarm system help out immensely! I know you talked about those, but they really do help:)

    Reply

  12. #
    12
    Julie @savvyeats — October 18, 2009 @ 3:41 pm

    I can totally relate to this one. I’m the messier one between Dan and I :)

    Reply

  13. #
    13
    Leah @ Simply Fabulous — October 18, 2009 @ 3:44 pm

    I can imagine a dog would make you feel way safer!!

    Reply

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    14
    Bianca — October 18, 2009 @ 5:14 pm

    I can totally relate. When my husband is on business trips, I can be so messy, and then the mess makes me feel too overwhelmed to clean! Talk about a cycle!

    Reply

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    15
    Erica — October 18, 2009 @ 7:45 pm

    haha- if you make french toast after seeing Josh’s-he will be SO thrilled. He thought it looked crappier than he wanted it to. Hope you’re doing well girly

    Reply

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    16
    Kelly — October 19, 2009 @ 1:36 pm

    you’re back! haha. i must say it was odd being in your clean house, when i was so used to seeing your dorm room, and your room at your parent’s house! everyone is allowed a set back right? i think you should come live with me when eddie is out of town :o)

    Reply

  17. #
    16.1
    Jessica — October 19, 2009 @ 1:39 pm

    Oh do you have any pictures of my dorm room?? That would be a sight. We need to find some so I can post.

    Reply

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