Everything Fontina Biscuits.

Something straaaaange has happened.

I’m in spring cleaning mode.

And by spring cleaning mode, I don’t mean I’m cleaning any thing that matters, like scrubbing my baseboards (OMG help) or foyer floor or the space underneath our kitchen sink where sanitary products go to die. Wait… what is a baseboard? Because I really don’t think I know. All I know is that my mom said I probably couldn’t even pay someone to do it for me at this point.

I guess that’s bad… ?

I’m about to go on a big time closet purge. It hits me like a ton of bricks every few months, where I see something and am like WHAT THE HECK is that stupid hot pint turtleneck from The Limited circa 1999 that I used to TUCK into my jeans still doing in my closet? Why did I think that holding on to this B.U.M. equipment t-shirt would make me a cooler person or something? Then my eyes are drawn upward to this crazy shelf way up high that I can’t even reach, where I smashed three identical but different pastel colored American Eagle sweatshirts that I used to wear in high school all.the.time. Like I even want to remember THAT time. Barf.

I’m also semi-horrified to look myself in the eye when I see the things I used to wear a few years ago and classify as “tops.” Sorry Dad. And world.

But when it comes to clothing, shoe wear and accessories, I’m cut from the cloth that reads in big, bold print, “ohhhh but you might want to wear this SOME day.”

No. I’m sorry. I will not want to wear these knee socks SOME day. But I will take some slap bracelets if you find them.

Just to help you understand the sheer gravity of this situation, about six months ago I did a humongous clothes cleanse resulting in three of those big black garbage bags full of clothes and shoes to donate. Annnnnd those bags are still sitting in one of our spare bedrooms. I hate myself. I’ll remedy that situation today since I revealed my true colors. (Maybe.)

On top of this closet purification, I’ve also been doing other uber important tasks pertinent to spring cleaning like rearranging my Newlyweds and Sex and the City DVDs, stacking all of my old purses (to be purged later, I’m sure) in a large tupperware container under my bed, removing all the loose false eyelashes from the little dish that holds my wedding rings and categorizing my eyeshadow by color and, get this… EVENT.

The thing is, I always start these little projects of mine and get halfway through, to the point of complete and utter destruction – like you can’t even walk through through the room destruction – and then decide that I’m… bored. So I get up and do something else (read: make another gigantic mess). Like make biscuits!

Making biscuits is much more satisfying than purging closets, but in a weird sort of way. It has been decided that I just looove making biscuits. By me. Decided by me.

Which is super… weird, I know, because I wasted a good chunk of your time last week telling you that I didn’t really love bread. With a biscuit disclaimer, of course.

The only thing better than biscuits are everything biscuits. I love everything everything. Which can be interpreted in more ways than one because as I’m sure you’ve grown to understand, I’m a terrible critic. But as a sucker for anything that’s everything flavored – these light my fire. And added fontina? Yes and yes. Um, yes means yes. Even no means yes. I love… wait for it… EVERYTHING about them. Hardy har har.

These are dreamy.

Everything Fontina Biscuits

[adapted from my blue cheese biscuits which were barely adapted from bon appetit]

makes about 20 biscuits

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour

1 1/2 cups whole wheat pastry flour

1/2 teaspoon granulated sugar

4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 1/2 sticks (3/4 cup) cold unsalted butter, cut into pieces

1 1/4 cups milk

6 ounces freshly grated fontina cheese

everything topping: 2 tablespoons melted butter, 1/2 tablespoon dried minced onion, 1/2 tablespoon sesame seeds, 1/2 tablespoon poppy seeds, 1 teaspoon dried minced garlic, 1 teaspoon ground sea salt

Preheat oven to 425 degrees F. Mix dried onion, garlic, sea salt, poppy seeds and sesame seeds together in a bowl and set aside.

In a large bowl, combine flour, sugar, salt, baking powder and soda, and whisk until combined. Using a fork, pastry blender or your hands, add butter pieces to the flour and mix until coarse little crumbles remain. Add in fontina. Pour in milk and stir with a spoon until just combined, not overmixing. Use your hands if needed to bring the dough together – I did.

Use a 1/4 cup measure to drop batter onto a nonstick baking sheet, or press dough on a sheet of parchment paper or cutting board, then using a biscuit cutter to shape the dough into rounds. Brush with melted butter, then sprinkle each biscuit with the everything topping. Bake for 10-12 minutes, or until biscuits are golden brown.

For real!