1. Hmmm. So here’s what happened. I had no idea I was pregnant and for multiple TMI reasons, definitely didn’t think there was any way I could be. After a week of weird stuff, I decided maybe I should take a test and went to the grocery store, where I proceeded to act like I was an embarrassed 15-year old and piled things on top of said test that I didn’t need while ready to go though the self checkout line. When I get up there, all the self-checkouts are closed so I go and put the test BACK on the shelf. I go to this store like five times a week, I know people there, people know my mom – I was not risking going through a regular checkout line with people I know.
I get it. I am a child.
SO I left. TOTALLY forget about the test over the next 24 hours. It doesn’t even cross my mind, I don’t share it with anyone. It’s not until the next day when I’m shopping and get a text from my best friend that says “omg, I just realized it’s April! Only a few more months until the book and then it’s time for kids, right?”
I was like… well maybe I should take that test before responding to her.
I go back and buy one. Take it. Immediately pops up that I’m 3+ weeks pregnant… like immediately.
I start FREAKING OUT. Real life, my first though is major fear. I’m hoping that’s natural – it’s not like I didn’t want kids. I figured we’d try later this summer, after my first baby was born, the book! I want lots of kids, but I was still so scared. I still kinda am this way, just a little older. I grab my phone and call Eddie because at this point I’m shaking and have no idea what to do. He doesn’t answer. I call my BFF Kelly (facebaby’s mom) and just start screaming into the phone and am like omgomgomg and proceed to quickly pace around my house for ten minutes. Like a full out run around the house. I don’t even remember this phone call because I was just shouting into my phone while she is laughing hysterically. After a while when I come to my senses, I’m glad Eddie didn’t answer the phone so I can tell him in person – duh. The only problem is that he was going to a happy hour after work, which leaves me tons of time to kill.
I flip out to Bev next and am all “are you sitting down?!?” Never mind that I had just been with her six days prior.
I’m still high on adrenaline so I drive over to my parents house, deciding that I have to tell my mom. I throw the tests (once I gained composure, I took a few more) in a banana republic jewelry box, walk in the door and say “you have to look at this necklace I bought to wear to the engagement party!”
Cue freaking out and jumping around. But now, I still have hours to kill before Eddie gets home.
He doesn’t walk in the door until like 9:30PM. I’m DYING. My phone has died three times in six hours from nonstop texting. Earlier that evening I placed a hamburger bun in the oven and the minute I heard the garage door open, I turned the oven on so he wouldn’t be suspicious. He walks in and I tell him that I have “a treat for him in the oven.” His brain thinks: cookies. Obviously. He proceeds to tell me ten minutes worth of stories and I’m like EDDIE. I HAVE A TREAT FOR YOU IN THE OVEN. DON’T YOU WANT THE TREAT IN THE OVEN?
He walks to the oven, opens it and is like… “what? Is this a burger? It’s lent, I can’t even eat meat. Where are the cookies? What is this?”
“I don’t know, WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE?”
“It’s a bun… in the oven.” He looks at me. “A bun? In the oven? But you aren’t pregnant. I know you aren’t pregnant.”
I just stare at him and laugh.
Then it’s his turn to start jumping and pacing and screaming “get the f@$k out” (in a good way, obvi) over and over. And screaming and running and being all WHAAAAT. Then twenty minutes later: “wait. But there really aren’t any cookies?”
So we make cookies at midnight.
[i left the house one day!]
2. The minute after I found out, a lot of things made sense. That week, I had cried practically EVERY night. Eddie would come home and I’d just start crying hysterically about something. This was shocking. I never ever cry. I don’t cry at movies. Perhaps I have a heart of stone. Eddie had no idea what to do because again, I never cry. There were other things going on at the time but for the most part, it was unwarranted. This did not tip me off at all. I thought my hormones were just a little scewy from traveling the past couple weeks. Let’s take a moment now and remember all of the things I’ve cried at over the last few months:
(every time Maks and Meryl danced on dancing with the stars, the UCA college dance team championships on ESPN, because I couldn’t find whole wheat rolls for meatball subs for dinner, Walk the Line – twice in two days, every time Amy Purdy danced on Dancing with the Stars (I watched a ton of TV), this post that Alysa shared on her blog, The Parent Trap movie (yes, with LiLo), the Chely Wright bio documentary – Eddie started watching it and I joined in, Enough Said and the sadness of James Gandolfini, the last five minutes of the Miss USA competition – I hadn’t even watched it until that point, wtf, thinking of the facebaby saying “is there a baby in your belly? Can I kiss it?” yes, he did this for real (I died), because one day my iced coffee tasted like cilantro. ????, The Matchmaker –stayed in bed and bawled.)
Is this boring you? I feel like this has to be boring but I really wanted to write it all out. We only told a handful of people that weekend. That night as we were lying in bed, he’s like we have to tell Lacy! (my cousin – I always talk about her) The next day, we tell his sister and I tell a few more of my close friends.
3. From that moment on, I am incredibly thrilled but petrified. This seems too good to be true, too easy. Barely any of my friends have been able to get pregnant, most haven’t been able to do so naturally. It doesn’t feel fair to me and I don’t feel like I deserve it. I am convinced that something is going to happen.
I don’t have anyone close in my family/friends in real life who have miscarried, but mother lovett had seven. However, with blogging, my peer circle is much larger and I have read story after story. I know that worrying and being scared does nothing, I know it’s not good for me either, but if you’ve read my blog from the beginning you know I’ve been the biggest worry wart since I was a child. Because of this, I practically refuse to allow myself to think about it or talk about. I didn’t take weekly pictures. I wouldn’t even look at the baby book that Kelly bought me until I was 12 weeks. Luckily, I have a killer memory.
4. Remember when I said keeping this secret was the hardest I’d ever had to keep? Lies. I knew I was pregnant then but couldn’t tell anyone there. I had to go to brunch and scrape the brie off this French toast and say no to smoked salmon and pass on espresso with hopes that no one noticed. Filming this video was horrifyingly scary for me. I have NO IDEA how I taught this burger class without 1. vomiting and 2. Not spilling the beans. I’m sure people in the class figured it out though or just thought I was looking extra fat.
5. Here is where, if you have been pregnant before, you are allowed to hate my guts: I thought morning (all-day) sickness was a load of bull before I got pregnant. I thought it was in women’s heads. My mom never had it – not once with three kids. My friends mentioned feeling crappy a time or two, but it seemed brief at the time and I was not in baby mode whatsoever. I didn’t pay attention.
Say hello to karma that slapped me in the face. Working out kind of helped, but not really. Eating didn’t help – even though everyone says it does. It hit me hardest in the evenings, but the days weren’t good either. None of the tried and true methods helped.
Combined with my absolute fear of something happening plus the constant sickness, I went into a shell and didn’t want to talk to or see anyone. I don’t know if prenatal depression is a thing, but I felt like I had something like that. This at least made it easier to keep the secret – I had no desire to tell anyone because I had no desire to see anyone or talk to anyone. Eddie went to the Kentucky derby and I pretty much stayed in the same spot on the couch for four days. My friend Jess said it best – it was like I was so scared that I became extremely introverted and just wanted to commiserate with myself. Thankfully this only lasted a short time.
I still cooked for the blog and projects because it’s my job. I do not schedule posts, I wake up every morning and manually post them. If I am on the west coast, I wake up at 3:30am. Had I not set this very specific work schedule for myself over the last four years, I may have even stopped blogging for a bit or slept in later, though I can’t fathom that. My work ethic is insane and I am ruthless about it. Thank god for schedules.
I made this caramelized pork stir fry which was so delicious that I ate two servings that afternoon. Ever since, I haven’t been able to even look at the post because nothing turns my stomach like that does.
I bought sea bands. They helped… barely. After a few days, they didn’t help at all.
I never had the extreme fatigue the others talk about. In fact, I had insomnia. I was not overly tired, but my body felt very tired, if that makes sense. I couldn’t sleep at night. I read like crazy. Still am.
Things got really bad on the day that I was roasting this pork. You know how your entire house fills with the aroma of roasted meat when it takes four or five hours? After an hour, I threw myself on the couch. By the second hour, I turned off the oven, left the kitchen a disaster, left the pork in the oven, pulled my car into the driveway and sat there and cried because everything smelled like pork. DRAMA. By the fourth hour I crawled up to our bedroom, shut the door and remained there under the covers in the dark until Eddie came home.
The next day I called the doctor because the nausea was rendering me useless. It sounds SO annoying if you aren’t pregnant. I get it. I have read this before and been like… dude, just pull it together. It was impossible at the time for me. I don’t even like to take something for a headache, but I hoped they had a little answer.
My doctor told me I could take a combo of unisom sleep tabs + vitamin b6. I started taking this daily and took it up until two weeks ago. It was a MIRACLE. I still felt slightly sick but was able to go along with my work and daily life like a normal human. Only twice more did I get stuck on the couch.
6. Which brings me to FOOD. Oh food. Omg. Food. So, I didn’t have food aversions. I basically had an aversion to ALL food. Every food sounded terrible and I never wanted to eat. I am still struggling to eat. For weeks, and I do mean weeks, I survived on nothing but cereal and fruit. Seven boxes of Cascadian farms cereal would grace our counter at once. I had a few bagels at this time, maybe some toast with almond butter. But it was rare. It was like cereal three times a day with strawberries or apples or bananas. I couldn’t eat one single piece of chocolate or candy on easter. Major sad face.
The craziest thing to me is that I am absolutely incapable of overeating right now. I have heard that this happens later in pregnancy, but for me, it happened almost immediately. It’s not like I overeat all the things every single day. I compare it to a donut on a Saturday morning – you know you’re going to get one the day before and you’re excited and can’t wait to eat that donut. The donut tastes SO good and you may even start to eat a second one. It gets old by the time you’re ¾ of the way through, but it’s just SO good that you’re going to finish it.
Well. Right now, I can take about two bites of a donut and I’m done. Last night I took like four bites of this pad Thai and was like… no more. (high five for lunch today though.)
It is very weird for me. I LOVE FOOD. I’ve never been someone who “forgets to eat” or who skips breakfast. And these days, I have to force almost every meal.
This also means that I’ve had NO CRAVINGS. I’m kind of sad about this one. I hope they come. I will say, one day I really wanted a soft pretzel with mustard and went to the store and bought those garbage ones from the freezer section. It wasn’t like a “buy or die” thing though, I was just hungry and nothing else sounded good.
And one Saturday night I did make Eddie order pizza hut pizza (omg he hates it so much) at like 10PM, because it sounded good. But again, it didn’t feel like a crazy craving.
[eyes bigger than my stomach. the hot dogs never made it.]
Anything carby sounds best – is really the only thing that sounds remotely appealing. For years on my blog I’ve talked about how I’m not a “bread person,” but now… I am a bread person. Things with bread or just straight up bread is the only thing that sounds good – and remember a few months ago when I shared five bready recipes in a row? Oops.
Also, the minute those flavored ice pops came into stores for summer, I bought a whole box. I remember eating them last summer with Bev while she was pregnant and they sounded so good – cold and flavorful and icy.
I’ve had a weird taste in my mouth since getting pregnant, which has made drinking water an awful experience. This has perhaps been the worst part for me because I am a psychotic water drinker and have been since I was a child. My mom couldn’t even pay my to drink juice, I just loved water so much. I’ve always hated carbonation because it burns my throat and chest. And sugary drinks and juices make my teeth feel weird. BUT. I’ve wanted different sodas and flavored drinks a lot more than water these days. Eddie loves Boylan sodas and we always have a ton of them – which I’ve been depleting. I don’t drink one everyday, but maybe two times a week. Almost immediately the idea of coffee made me sick. So that was an easy fix. I wasn’t missing it. More true life: I bought this iced coffee just to instagram it because I had yapped for weeks about giving up drive thru coffee for lent and didn’t want things to seem suspicious after easter. I could barely take two sips. I didn’t really make kombucha cocktails either. LIAR.
When I was at the sickest points, I would complain to Kelly and Bev who would be all “I know it’s the worst, it will get better though!” and I’d be all OMG NO ONE UNDERSTANDS. IT’S NEVER GETTING BETTER. I say this after Kelly has four kids, like she wouldn’t understand. She kept telling me that I’d forget about it and – I have! Of course I just had to rehash it all to write this ridiculous novel of an update, but I don’t remember the worst parts, except for the funny feelings about pork.
Of course, it had to be pork.
7. I bullshitted my way through this entire summer bucket list. There are plenty of things on there that I obviously can’t do while pregnant. It wasn’t like I lied… it’s what I WISH a summer bucket list of mine could look like if I wasn’t knocked up. Next summer! Meanwhile, I have plenty of pregnant-fun things to do.
8. When it comes to maternity clothes, I’ve only bought a few things at Target. A few tanks, some workout capri leggings, stuff like that. I bought a pair of Joe’s maternity jeans but don’t love them. My normal jeans still fit with using a belly band, and I like them better. I’ve been living in maxi dresses, maxi skirts or just workout stuff – which is the norm for me anyway throughout the week.
As far as workouts go, for the first few weeks I was still doing turbofire, usually the 35 minute video. I even did one last week. I’ve been walking a lot (no surprise there) and doing some yoga at home. What kills me the most is not going to hot yoga. My doctor said it’s probably not a good idea, but was iffy. Honestly? I feel in my heart that it would be fine. However. There was a time that I was going regularly 5+ times per week. When I got pregnant, I was only going once or twice a week. Had I been going more regularly, I probably would have kept it up – plenty of pregnant women have been in the classes I’ve taken until they delivered. I did my research and knew the risks, and even though I still felt like it would be fine, I obviously could never forgive myself if something happened. So I don’t go. Yoga at home is nowhere near as good. The prenatal yoga offerings around here suck, so I’m sticking to it at home.
I’ve changed a ton of my beauty products, and I did so almost immediately. I didn’t include them in my monthly favorites because I knew that you’d get suspicious. That’s a whole other post in itself so I’ll tell you about it soon, along with some other things that have been necessities.
I’ve had the WEIRDEST DREAMS. My favorite is one I had a few weeks ago where Laura and I were sitting at my parent’s kitchen table, eating sandwiches that had Kraft mac and cheese inside of them with President Obama. WTF?
[i can't take pics to save my life]
9. And for the biggest question of all: NOPE, we are not finding out if it is a boy or a girl. I had an extremely strong premonition at the beginning of pregnancy that it was boy. I had a dream – two weeks before I learned I was pregnant, but already was – that I birthed a baby boy, named it our name and called my dad to tell him. However, a few weeks before that I dreamt that I gave birth to a shark, so take that as you will. I haven’t had any boy/girl dreams in weeks so now I’m not so sure. I will be thrilled either way. I have two brothers, I want boys and girls. I have absolutely zero preference. Eddie always thought he wanted a boy, but now he wants both too.
Finally, we are also MOVING because why not do every single life change at once and try to heighten anxieties as much as possible? Yes. So you can find me under a pile of boxes for the next few weeks. More coming soon. I left so much out of this post, but it is such a ridiculously long ramble of crap that I didn’t know where to end it. I will share more through the coming weeks. Nothing on my blog will change, perhaps just a little update where I have a human inside my body. Hearts.