Most days the thought of bearing my own offspring scares me to death.

I can barely tie my own shoes.

I lay on the couch most Saturday mornings until 11 am. Or later.

Sometimes I yawn in church. And chew gum.

Sorry, Dad.

I watch Sopranos marathons for four hours straight and then spend another two asking my husband if Tony is real because I know, I just know that he has to be real. He has to be.

I watch mindless trash like Jersey Shore too.

Not apologizing for that one Dad… I know you watch it too.

I don’t water my flowers.

I don’t clean the refrigerator.

Laundry is merely a blip on the radar.

And just yesterday, I went to spray a baking sheet with Pam and grabbed Raid instead. Raid, as in the poisonous ant killer. Raid, as in the life-ending serum that you drown insects in. Yes, I almost served Mr. How Sweet chicken tenders spritzed with Raid. How delicious!


Sometimes I have ice cream for dinner. And I nap. Oh boy… do I nap. Can I still nap with a kid? Like, really nap. Not a little 15-minute shut eye that makes you wish you’d simply stayed away and done something productive.

I stay in my pajamas some days until 8 o’clock at night. Hot, sexy sweatpants… XXXL sweatpants from college. Mr. How Sweet is lucky, right? Oh well, you can’t have it all…

But what I’m really worried about?

What I fret about all day? What keeps me up at night?

I might need to eat vegetables. Really people.

Honestly, do I have to? I don’t think I’ll ever love anything enough to eat a broccoli stalk.

And that whole balanced meal business? Snooze.

No more caramel and bacon for dinner I suppose.

Woe is me.


When that time comes, and I’m sure it will as I will rightfully deserve to have a smart-mouthed little brat screaming at me in the dressing room of Limited Too (memories!), I think I’m only going to make myself dinners like this.

Boil water. Dump in pasta. Saute onions. Add mushrooms. Add wine. [Lots of it.] Add cream.

Voila. Dinner is done in 15 minutes.

Creamy Mushroom Gnocchi

serves 2

1 pound whole wheat gnocchi

1 tablespoon olive oil

1/2 onion, chopped

1 garlic clove, minced

2 cups mushrooms, chopped

1/3 cup white wine

1/2 cup heavy (or light) cream

1/4 cup freshly shaved parmesan cheese + more for topping

fresh parsley for garnish

salt and pepper

Heat a skillet over medium heat and add olive oil. Add onions with a sprinkle of salt and pepper and saute until soft, about 5-6 minutes. While onions are cooking, prepare pasta and boil according to directions. Once onions are translucent, add garlic then add mushrooms. Cook until mushrooms are soft – about 5 more minutes.

Add wine and cook for 2-3 minutes. Stir in cream. Turn off heat and stir in parmesan. Add cooked gnocchi to cream sauce. Serve with chopped parsley and more parmesan.

Oops! I forgot a step: drink the wine. Lots of it.