It’s the day after Christmas and now it’s time to delve

into all of those recipes that failed before 2012.

Remember 2010 and what a journey it was?

Well this is no different – you might want a buzz.

The first major mishap wasn’t realllllly my fault,

but it brought that whole weekend to an absolute halt.

This stupid pan of brownies decided to explode

and I can’t even tell you how much that blowed.

Easter came quickly within a snap,

and one thing we learned… I can’t dip cake pops for crap.

They get oooey and gooey and messy and weird,

and for someone impatient they should be feared.

Summer drew closer and I craved cupcakes,

of the lemon and strawberry flavor – not fakes.

But they sunk in the middle like big, sandy holes

and by this point in May I was ready to toss all my goals.

The cake above worked – it’s a miracle, behold!

But as you can see, someone should have patrolled

my kitchen, my fridge and the utensil drawer

just to keep me away so I fit through the door.

Remember the pizza for breakfast that I cooked with my man?

besides almost divorcing, we at least got a tan.

It was so sunny and hot and the egg rolled off the grill

FIVE times in a row it took a big spill.

I decided to make pizza puff thingamajigs.

I figured they’d be delicious and we’d inhale them like pigs.

But they turned out disgusting and dry and so plain

and by this point I was wondering if I had a brain.

Before I left on vacation I tried to make bread.

It was banana split flavored and would get me ahead.

But it sank and was mushy and awfully gross.

How was it possible I didn’t even come close?

Around the same time I butchered a friend’s recipe.

She makes basil squash cakes and fries them in ghee.

Well that was a mess since I tried my own little twist…

which left me starving and empty and pretty much pissed.

But wait! This looks good right? With ice cream galore?

Nope… not at all… a complete total snore.

Apple pie blondies is what I pursued,

but the only way these would work is if they were glued.

Over the course of the year I made three pieces of pork.

You’d think with our “relationship” I’d dig in with a fork.

But they were all dry and disappointing to boot,

and have you tried to take pictures? Pork’s anything but cute.

Then I made cheesy breadsticks but they were a fail,

and yet somehow I found myself able to inhale.

But they stuck to the pan and were generally dry,

soon enough though… these are getting another try.

In September I raved about cauliflower soup,

we ate it at Habitat and it threw us both for a loop.

So I made some at home but it looks just like paste…

FYI: next time… this will be right in your face.

Oh! And then there were brownies with green minty booze

which were awesome and led me to buy five pairs of shoes.

But as you can see, the first batch was quite spongey,

and I was THISCLOSE to taking an unharnessed bungee.

Here we have chicken with some sort of crust

and cheese that looks gummy and not at all robust.

It was our anniversary dinner that I tried to recreate,

but it failed and I said, “Trash? Say hi to this plate.”

And just last week when I made wine-soaked risotto?

My camera almost broke as I attempted that photo.

I tried it in the crockpot and it all turned to mush,

then I seriously cried because I’m such a lush.

 

So as you can see I am anything but an ace,

it’s failures and mess-ups I constantly chase.

But just when I think I’m ready to throw in all in,

I manage to make something that makes us all grin.

 

It’s frustrating and annoying and equally blahhhh

but then there’s those moments that makes you go “aha!”

And I have to admit, I do it all for you

but if there’s a perk for me? It’s that I get to chew.

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114 Responses to “Recipe Disasters of 2011.”

  1. #
    51
    Tida — December 26, 2011 @ 4:12 pm

    This made me really happy to read. :) not reading about your failed recipes because that’s not nice, but I LOVED the poem. I read it to my sister and she liked it too. Hopefully 2012 will bring everyone less failures in the kitchen though when it does, I hope you’ll do another one of these. :) Happy Holidays!
    PS. My grandma makes this dish which she calls “Failure.” It’s not, they were meant to be cheesy chicken enchiladas but they’re really a cheesy, chicken tortilla mess and oh so good. So it’s really a success out of failure! I’ll post it soon :)

    Reply

  2. #
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    CouponClippingCook — December 26, 2011 @ 4:37 pm

    So glad to know I’m not the only one these kind of things happen too! Love these pictures.

    Reply

  3. #
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    Dana B — December 26, 2011 @ 4:39 pm

    omg; this had me laughing so hard I had tears rolling down :) very very clever. Hope you’re having a great holiday season and have a wonderful new year!!

    Reply

  4. #
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    taylor — December 26, 2011 @ 4:50 pm

    This was amazing! Loved the “unharnessed bungee” rhyme – poetic genius!

    Reply

  5. #
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    Charlotte — December 26, 2011 @ 5:29 pm

    Hahahaha! I laughed my socks off! Thank you for being so honest and pointing out the failures which make baking & cooking a little more challenging (and therefore, more fun in the end when your stuff turns out!)
    I love the “unharnessed bungee” line too! Lol!

    Reply

  6. #
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    Kelly — December 26, 2011 @ 5:32 pm

    Not that I would want to wish a mishap on you, but I think there is something relieving in knowing we’re all human and have our flops.

    Reply

  7. #
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    Bethany @ Accidental Intentions — December 26, 2011 @ 5:34 pm

    This is delightful. You are seriously so wonderfully creative. I love it :)

    Reply

  8. #
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    Melissa — December 26, 2011 @ 5:40 pm

    You are so darling and dear! I love you for your failures as much as your successes! Nicely played–can’t wait for more How Sweet Eats in 2012! XO

    Reply

  9. #
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    Erin @ Living and Loving in L.A. — December 26, 2011 @ 5:45 pm

    This is so perfect! I love seeing recipe disasters. Makes me feel so much better about my two failed baking attempts this weekend.

    And I’d say your batting average is still pretty darn high.

    Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!!!

    Xo,
    Erin

    Reply

  10. #
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    Jo-Ann with Fine Frostings — December 26, 2011 @ 6:11 pm

    I love this! Thank you for being brutally honest. Cooking/Baking is about failures and learning to laugh, order pizza and put your apron on the next day. I think this is brilliant. Bravo to you!

    Reply

  11. #
    61
    Jen S — December 26, 2011 @ 6:13 pm

    This is not only hysterically funny, it’s also so inspiring! I am glad I am not the only one who has disasters (my disaster to success ratio is probably a lot worse than yours.)

    THANK YOU for sharing!

    Reply

  12. #
    62
    Teresa J — December 26, 2011 @ 9:22 pm

    Oh my goodness -thank you for this post. I laughed so hard I cried. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! I did that Southern Comfort Apple Pie for Thanksgiving that everyone raved about on-line (without trying it out beforehand) and it was so sickeningly sweet none of us could eat it. All that work and – “Trash, say hi to this plate!” Good times. :)

    Reply

  13. #
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    Ashley@BakerbyNature — December 26, 2011 @ 9:42 pm

    you’re like the food writing dr. suess: love!!

    Reply

  14. #
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    Bebe — December 26, 2011 @ 9:45 pm

    Loved this post!! Merry Christmas!!

    Reply

  15. #
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    Lauren @ Recipes for a Quarterlife — December 26, 2011 @ 11:10 pm

    I think we need rhyming posts weekly, please! Love this! Is it bad that some of your flubs look delicious anyway?

    Reply

  16. #
    66
    Betty @ scrambled henfruit — December 27, 2011 @ 12:54 am

    I loved your poem! I sometimes think I have more flops than successes, but I’ve never written about them with such eloquence. :)

    Reply

  17. #
    67
    Krista — December 27, 2011 @ 1:43 am

    This is hilarious! I love it, Jessica. I, too, have the occasional dud {shock!}. It’s nice to know someone as talented as you are also has a dud now and then.

    Reply

  18. #
    68
    MizFit — December 27, 2011 @ 7:55 am

    GOOD LORD HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL?!

    Reply

  19. #
    69
    Zee — December 27, 2011 @ 8:01 am

    Haha You are an awesome poet too!

    Reply

  20. #
    70
    Joyce Piper — December 27, 2011 @ 8:02 am

    Too funny !!! You are good with words, and a darn fine cook. I so enjoy reading your blog and being inspired by your recipes, thank you Jessica. All the best for 2012. J xx

    Reply

  21. #
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    Lea Ann — December 27, 2011 @ 8:49 am

    This is just a fabulous post.
    At least you didn’t ruin a roast.

    Reply

  22. #
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    Diane cooper — December 27, 2011 @ 9:24 am

    That was so awesome…. You can be a poet if you tire of this gig!

    I read your post with joy, I read it with glee….
    The pictures of Daisy , just make me go wheeeeeeee!

    Diane

    Reply

  23. #
    73
    Caroline — December 27, 2011 @ 9:28 am

    This is SO cute! It made me happy I am not the only one that burns or breaks tempting recipes. Thanks!

    Reply

  24. #
    74
    sherri lynn @ life of a wife — December 27, 2011 @ 9:53 am

    Love this post! You are so creative!

    Reply

  25. #
    75
    Lucy — December 27, 2011 @ 9:53 am

    Thanks for the smile. Very enjoyable post today. Best wishes for an interesting and delicious 2012!

    Reply

  26. #
    76
    Sheila P — December 27, 2011 @ 10:25 am

    I like your post.Really made me laugh and I think its cute :) Thanks for posting that.

    Reply

  27. #
    77
    Charlene — December 27, 2011 @ 10:27 am

    I absolutely loved this post! It brightened my day :) I usually don’t post on your blog but I want to say thanks so much for sharing all your delicious recipes – my husband and I enjoy them greatly! Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, safe and delicious new year full of more recipes that I’m sure I can’t wait to try out!

    Reply

  28. #
    78
    Ashley @ Wishes & Dishes — December 27, 2011 @ 12:10 pm

    This is awesome! I love reading the failed recipes every year because it makes me feel better about all my failures haha

    Reply

  29. #
    79
    Grace — December 27, 2011 @ 1:16 pm

    Oh my gosh. This post is the story of my cooking career. I can’t tell you how many muffins I’ve over mixed and cookies I’ve burnt. I’m glad I’m not the only one :)

    Reply

  30. #
    80
    Whitney — December 27, 2011 @ 1:55 pm

    I love the poem!! :) Thanks for posting recipe disasters….makes my disasters look more normal!

    Reply

  31. #
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    Rachael S — December 27, 2011 @ 2:15 pm

    I have to say I was laughing through this whole post…FINALLY someone who will admit they cant always cook! Makes my ego feel so much better when my dough wont rise or my cake balls are all mushy.

    Reply

  32. #
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    Marcia — December 27, 2011 @ 3:52 pm

    Thanks for the fun post! You made my day!

    Reply

  33. #
    83
    Laina — December 27, 2011 @ 4:47 pm

    Jess, you are wonderful… at cooking, baking, and poetry. I ALWAYS read your posts first thing to brighten my day. Have a happy, healthy, and yummy New Year! <3

    Reply

  34. #
    84
    Lauren — December 27, 2011 @ 5:56 pm

    This is hilarious. I was looking forward to this since your post from last year. Your blog and recipes look so perfect and it’s nice to see that you are just a normal girl that deals with an epic fail like the rest of us! Love love love it! xo

    Reply

  35. #
    85
    Cristen — December 27, 2011 @ 7:43 pm

    You are so creative! I love this! Happy Holidays to you and your family!

    Reply

  36. #
    86
    Angela — December 27, 2011 @ 11:24 pm

    that was insanly cute!

    Reply

  37. #
    87
    Chelsea — December 27, 2011 @ 11:36 pm

    I love that you posted this! It is so inspirational to look at since I very recently started my own blog, and as much as a love it, it can be very frustrating making things that don’t turn out right!

    Reply

  38. #
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    Tammy — December 28, 2011 @ 12:03 am

    Ha ha… thanks for a fun read!

    Reply

  39. #
    89
    Anna @ hiddenponies — December 28, 2011 @ 2:44 am

    Hahaha, I love this post, what a great poem to showcase your bloopers :) The “unharnessed bungee” line totally got me laughing :)

    Reply

  40. #
    90
    Jessie — December 28, 2011 @ 10:04 am

    Every chef, cook, or whoever makes the food has their bad days. The successes are what make up for the fails. :) Trial and error…and you learn! Whenever I try something that doesn’t work or fail…or my family won’t eat it, that’s when I go back to a simple tried and true recipe we all love. I think you are a great cook Jessica! I have tried many of your recipes and we love them all!

    Reply

  41. #
    91
    R K R — December 28, 2011 @ 11:30 am

    You NAILED it Jessica!
    Your warm, inviting, homey, Dickensian/Currier & Ives/Norman Rockwell pix in the post-of-the-day (Christmas At A Glance) were just crying out for the much-needed counterpoint balance of ‘Recipe Disasters of 2011′.
    Thx for showing us all your real, human, kitchen side – - – just like the rest of us!

    Reply

  42. #
    92
    Katie @ www.ohshineon.com — December 28, 2011 @ 1:11 pm

    I love this post Jess…. it may be one of my favorite to date. And no, not because you admit to some of your mess ups in the kitchen, but because you are so light-hearted about it and you never let one hiccup get in the way. I always get frustrated when something doesn’t come out right and it’s so nice to see that such a great cook like yourself makes mistakes as well.

    Just as you continue to inspire me with your successful and absolutely amazing recipes, you also inspire me to keep going with this whole blogging and not be too hard on myself!

    Reply

  43. #
    93
    Amanda at the red table — December 28, 2011 @ 10:06 pm

    I love this post. It’s very encouraging and a good reminder that we WILL have failures in the kitchen (even food bloggers), but we learn, we have successes and moreover, we have good stories!

    Plus, as a sometime poet myself — I appreciate the fun format :) Keep it up!

    Reply

  44. #
    94
    Alecia B. — December 28, 2011 @ 10:52 pm

    I’ve been wanting to start a food blog of my own for quite some time and I found this post very encouraging. Failures happen to everyone even the greats ;-)
    Thanks for bringing comedic relief to us newbies .

    Reply

  45. #
    95
    Laura — December 29, 2011 @ 1:48 am

    Thanks for sharing!! These are what we refer to as “Burger King??” meals and the “looks good”/”tastes good”/”do you have more ingredients?” adventures in baking. ;)

    Reply

  46. #
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    Lora @cakeduchess — December 29, 2011 @ 4:36 pm

    lol! This is just the best. It happens to all of us and it’s all part of growing, right?:) Thank you for all your wonderful and fun posts this year. Sending you lots of love and hugs. xo

    Reply

    • Jessica — December 29th, 2011 @ 5:02 pm

      You too my love!! :)

      Reply

  47. #
    97
    christina @ ovenadventures — December 30, 2011 @ 12:05 am

    Ahahah you are awesome and even more so when you make things rhyme. But seriously how DID your brownies explode in the oven????

    Reply

  48. #
    98
    Emilie @ Emilie's Enjoyables — December 30, 2011 @ 12:47 pm

    Loved the poem Jess! We have to at least be able to poke fun at ourselves in the kitchen or else it’s no longer fun :)

    Reply

  49. #
    99
    Caelyn — January 1, 2012 @ 3:27 pm

    Considering how amazing your recipes always look/taste, I admit it’s reassuring to know that even you have occasional kitchen mishaps. Hope you have better luck in 2012! :)

    Reply

  50. #
    100
    Abby — January 2, 2012 @ 12:35 am

    This was literally amazing- it’s inspiring to see that failure does exist even for someone who always posts SUCH wonderful creations!! The other day I made a cake from a recipe calling for a 9-inch square pan..but I made it in an 8-inch pan, it massively overflowed the sides, annnd it was all over my oven and made my entire house filled with smoke. Wanted to curl up and cry (maybe I did?) but after reading this post I’m not going to let things like that stop me in the future!

    Reply

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