Recipe Disasters of 2011.
It’s the day after Christmas and now it’s time to delve
into all of those recipes that failed before 2012.
Remember 2010 and what a journey it was?
Well this is no different – you might want a buzz.
The first major mishap wasn’t realllllly my fault,
but it brought that whole weekend to an absolute halt.
This stupid pan of brownies decided to explode
and I can’t even tell you how much that blowed.
Easter came quickly within a snap,
and one thing we learned… I can’t dip cake pops for crap.
They get oooey and gooey and messy and weird,
and for someone impatient they should be feared.
Summer drew closer and I craved cupcakes,
of the lemon and strawberry flavor – not fakes.
But they sunk in the middle like big, sandy holes
and by this point in May I was ready to toss all my goals.
The cake above worked – it’s a miracle, behold!
But as you can see, someone should have patrolled
my kitchen, my fridge and the utensil drawer
just to keep me away so I fit through the door.
Remember the pizza for breakfast that I cooked with my man?
besides almost divorcing, we at least got a tan.
It was so sunny and hot and the egg rolled off the grill
FIVE times in a row it took a big spill.
I decided to make pizza puff thingamajigs.
I figured they’d be delicious and we’d inhale them like pigs.
But they turned out disgusting and dry and so plain
and by this point I was wondering if I had a brain.
Before I left on vacation I tried to make bread.
It was banana split flavored and would get me ahead.
But it sank and was mushy and awfully gross.
How was it possible I didn’t even come close?
Around the same time I butchered a friend’s recipe.
She makes basil squash cakes and fries them in ghee.
Well that was a mess since I tried my own little twist…
which left me starving and empty and pretty much pissed.
But wait! This looks good right? With ice cream galore?
Nope… not at all… a complete total snore.
Apple pie blondies is what I pursued,
but the only way these would work is if they were glued.
Over the course of the year I made three pieces of pork.
You’d think with our “relationship” I’d dig in with a fork.
But they were all dry and disappointing to boot,
and have you tried to take pictures? Pork’s anything but cute.
Then I made cheesy breadsticks but they were a fail,
and yet somehow I found myself able to inhale.
But they stuck to the pan and were generally dry,
soon enough though… these are getting another try.
In September I raved about cauliflower soup,
we ate it at Habitat and it threw us both for a loop.
So I made some at home but it looks just like paste…
FYI: next time… this will be right in your face.
Oh! And then there were brownies with green minty booze
which were awesome and led me to buy five pairs of shoes.
But as you can see, the first batch was quite spongey,
and I was THISCLOSE to taking an unharnessed bungee.
Here we have chicken with some sort of crust
and cheese that looks gummy and not at all robust.
It was our anniversary dinner that I tried to recreate,
but it failed and I said, “Trash? Say hi to this plate.”
And just last week when I made wine-soaked risotto?
My camera almost broke as I attempted that photo.
I tried it in the crockpot and it all turned to mush,
then I seriously cried because I’m such a lush.
So as you can see I am anything but an ace,
it’s failures and mess-ups I constantly chase.
But just when I think I’m ready to throw in all in,
I manage to make something that makes us all grin.
It’s frustrating and annoying and equally blahhhh
but then there’s those moments that makes you go “aha!”
And I have to admit, I do it all for you
but if there’s a perk for me? It’s that I get to chew.
119 Comments on “Recipe Disasters of 2011.”
This made me really happy to read. :) not reading about your failed recipes because that’s not nice, but I LOVED the poem. I read it to my sister and she liked it too. Hopefully 2012 will bring everyone less failures in the kitchen though when it does, I hope you’ll do another one of these. :) Happy Holidays!
PS. My grandma makes this dish which she calls “Failure.” It’s not, they were meant to be cheesy chicken enchiladas but they’re really a cheesy, chicken tortilla mess and oh so good. So it’s really a success out of failure! I’ll post it soon :)
So glad to know I’m not the only one these kind of things happen too! Love these pictures.
omg; this had me laughing so hard I had tears rolling down :) very very clever. Hope you’re having a great holiday season and have a wonderful new year!!
This was amazing! Loved the “unharnessed bungee” rhyme – poetic genius!
Hahahaha! I laughed my socks off! Thank you for being so honest and pointing out the failures which make baking & cooking a little more challenging (and therefore, more fun in the end when your stuff turns out!)
I love the “unharnessed bungee” line too! Lol!
Not that I would want to wish a mishap on you, but I think there is something relieving in knowing we’re all human and have our flops.
This is delightful. You are seriously so wonderfully creative. I love it :)
You are so darling and dear! I love you for your failures as much as your successes! Nicely played–can’t wait for more How Sweet Eats in 2012! XO
This is so perfect! I love seeing recipe disasters. Makes me feel so much better about my two failed baking attempts this weekend.
And I’d say your batting average is still pretty darn high.
Hope you had a wonderful Christmas!!!
Xo,
Erin
I love this! Thank you for being brutally honest. Cooking/Baking is about failures and learning to laugh, order pizza and put your apron on the next day. I think this is brilliant. Bravo to you!
This is not only hysterically funny, it’s also so inspiring! I am glad I am not the only one who has disasters (my disaster to success ratio is probably a lot worse than yours.)
THANK YOU for sharing!
Oh my goodness -thank you for this post. I laughed so hard I cried. I AM NOT THE ONLY ONE!!! I did that Southern Comfort Apple Pie for Thanksgiving that everyone raved about on-line (without trying it out beforehand) and it was so sickeningly sweet none of us could eat it. All that work and – “Trash, say hi to this plate!” Good times. :)
you’re like the food writing dr. suess: love!!
Loved this post!! Merry Christmas!!
I think we need rhyming posts weekly, please! Love this! Is it bad that some of your flubs look delicious anyway?
I loved your poem! I sometimes think I have more flops than successes, but I’ve never written about them with such eloquence. :)
This is hilarious! I love it, Jessica. I, too, have the occasional dud {shock!}. It’s nice to know someone as talented as you are also has a dud now and then.
GOOD LORD HOW DO YOU DO IT ALL?!
Haha You are an awesome poet too!
Too funny !!! You are good with words, and a darn fine cook. I so enjoy reading your blog and being inspired by your recipes, thank you Jessica. All the best for 2012. J xx
This is just a fabulous post.
At least you didn’t ruin a roast.
That was so awesome…. You can be a poet if you tire of this gig!
I read your post with joy, I read it with glee….
The pictures of Daisy , just make me go wheeeeeeee!
Diane
This is SO cute! It made me happy I am not the only one that burns or breaks tempting recipes. Thanks!
Love this post! You are so creative!
Thanks for the smile. Very enjoyable post today. Best wishes for an interesting and delicious 2012!
I like your post.Really made me laugh and I think its cute :) Thanks for posting that.
I absolutely loved this post! It brightened my day :) I usually don’t post on your blog but I want to say thanks so much for sharing all your delicious recipes – my husband and I enjoy them greatly! Here’s wishing you a happy, healthy, safe and delicious new year full of more recipes that I’m sure I can’t wait to try out!
This is awesome! I love reading the failed recipes every year because it makes me feel better about all my failures haha
Oh my gosh. This post is the story of my cooking career. I can’t tell you how many muffins I’ve over mixed and cookies I’ve burnt. I’m glad I’m not the only one :)
I love the poem!! :) Thanks for posting recipe disasters….makes my disasters look more normal!
I have to say I was laughing through this whole post…FINALLY someone who will admit they cant always cook! Makes my ego feel so much better when my dough wont rise or my cake balls are all mushy.
Thanks for the fun post! You made my day!
Jess, you are wonderful… at cooking, baking, and poetry. I ALWAYS read your posts first thing to brighten my day. Have a happy, healthy, and yummy New Year! <3
This is hilarious. I was looking forward to this since your post from last year. Your blog and recipes look so perfect and it’s nice to see that you are just a normal girl that deals with an epic fail like the rest of us! Love love love it! xo
You are so creative! I love this! Happy Holidays to you and your family!
that was insanly cute!
I love that you posted this! It is so inspirational to look at since I very recently started my own blog, and as much as a love it, it can be very frustrating making things that don’t turn out right!
Ha ha… thanks for a fun read!
Hahaha, I love this post, what a great poem to showcase your bloopers :) The “unharnessed bungee” line totally got me laughing :)
Every chef, cook, or whoever makes the food has their bad days. The successes are what make up for the fails. :) Trial and error…and you learn! Whenever I try something that doesn’t work or fail…or my family won’t eat it, that’s when I go back to a simple tried and true recipe we all love. I think you are a great cook Jessica! I have tried many of your recipes and we love them all!
You NAILED it Jessica!
Your warm, inviting, homey, Dickensian/Currier & Ives/Norman Rockwell pix in the post-of-the-day (Christmas At A Glance) were just crying out for the much-needed counterpoint balance of ‘Recipe Disasters of 2011’.
Thx for showing us all your real, human, kitchen side – – – just like the rest of us!
I love this post Jess…. it may be one of my favorite to date. And no, not because you admit to some of your mess ups in the kitchen, but because you are so light-hearted about it and you never let one hiccup get in the way. I always get frustrated when something doesn’t come out right and it’s so nice to see that such a great cook like yourself makes mistakes as well.
Just as you continue to inspire me with your successful and absolutely amazing recipes, you also inspire me to keep going with this whole blogging and not be too hard on myself!
I love this post. It’s very encouraging and a good reminder that we WILL have failures in the kitchen (even food bloggers), but we learn, we have successes and moreover, we have good stories!
Plus, as a sometime poet myself — I appreciate the fun format :) Keep it up!
I’ve been wanting to start a food blog of my own for quite some time and I found this post very encouraging. Failures happen to everyone even the greats ;-)
Thanks for bringing comedic relief to us newbies .
Thanks for sharing!! These are what we refer to as “Burger King??” meals and the “looks good”/”tastes good”/”do you have more ingredients?” adventures in baking. ;)
lol! This is just the best. It happens to all of us and it’s all part of growing, right?:) Thank you for all your wonderful and fun posts this year. Sending you lots of love and hugs. xo
You too my love!! :)
Ahahah you are awesome and even more so when you make things rhyme. But seriously how DID your brownies explode in the oven????
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Loved the poem Jess! We have to at least be able to poke fun at ourselves in the kitchen or else it’s no longer fun :)
Considering how amazing your recipes always look/taste, I admit it’s reassuring to know that even you have occasional kitchen mishaps. Hope you have better luck in 2012! :)