It’s the day after Christmas and now it’s time to delve

into all of those recipes that failed before 2012.

Remember 2010 and what a journey it was?

Well this is no different – you might want a buzz.

The first major mishap wasn’t realllllly my fault,

but it brought that whole weekend to an absolute halt.

This stupid pan of brownies decided to explode

and I can’t even tell you how much that blowed.

Easter came quickly within a snap,

and one thing we learned… I can’t dip cake pops for crap.

They get oooey and gooey and messy and weird,

and for someone impatient they should be feared.

Summer drew closer and I craved cupcakes,

of the lemon and strawberry flavor – not fakes.

But they sunk in the middle like big, sandy holes

and by this point in May I was ready to toss all my goals.

The cake above worked – it’s a miracle, behold!

But as you can see, someone should have patrolled

my kitchen, my fridge and the utensil drawer

just to keep me away so I fit through the door.

Remember the pizza for breakfast that I cooked with my man?

besides almost divorcing, we at least got a tan.

It was so sunny and hot and the egg rolled off the grill

FIVE times in a row it took a big spill.

I decided to make pizza puff thingamajigs.

I figured they’d be delicious and we’d inhale them like pigs.

But they turned out disgusting and dry and so plain

and by this point I was wondering if I had a brain.

Before I left on vacation I tried to make bread.

It was banana split flavored and would get me ahead.

But it sank and was mushy and awfully gross.

How was it possible I didn’t even come close?

Around the same time I butchered a friend’s recipe.

She makes basil squash cakes and fries them in ghee.

Well that was a mess since I tried my own little twist…

which left me starving and empty and pretty much pissed.

But wait! This looks good right? With ice cream galore?

Nope… not at all… a complete total snore.

Apple pie blondies is what I pursued,

but the only way these would work is if they were glued.

Over the course of the year I made three pieces of pork.

You’d think with our “relationship” I’d dig in with a fork.

But they were all dry and disappointing to boot,

and have you tried to take pictures? Pork’s anything but cute.

Then I made cheesy breadsticks but they were a fail,

and yet somehow I found myself able to inhale.

But they stuck to the pan and were generally dry,

soon enough though… these are getting another try.

In September I raved about cauliflower soup,

we ate it at Habitat and it threw us both for a loop.

So I made some at home but it looks just like paste…

FYI: next time… this will be right in your face.

Oh! And then there were brownies with green minty booze

which were awesome and led me to buy five pairs of shoes.

But as you can see, the first batch was quite spongey,

and I was THISCLOSE to taking an unharnessed bungee.

Here we have chicken with some sort of crust

and cheese that looks gummy and not at all robust.

It was our anniversary dinner that I tried to recreate,

but it failed and I said, “Trash? Say hi to this plate.”

And just last week when I made wine-soaked risotto?

My camera almost broke as I attempted that photo.

I tried it in the crockpot and it all turned to mush,

then I seriously cried because I’m such a lush.

 

So as you can see I am anything but an ace,

it’s failures and mess-ups I constantly chase.

But just when I think I’m ready to throw in all in,

I manage to make something that makes us all grin.

 

It’s frustrating and annoying and equally blahhhh

but then there’s those moments that makes you go “aha!”

And I have to admit, I do it all for you

but if there’s a perk for me? It’s that I get to chew.

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114 Responses to “Recipe Disasters of 2011.”

  1. #
    1
    Averie @ Love Veggies and Yoga — December 26, 2011 @ 8:24 am

    This is your best post of 2011 I think…well, no, all the amazing food you made were your best posts but you have mad rhyming skills!

    Thanks for sharing the flops and not so fun moments. There was a stretch there this past fall, maybe about Sept or Oct where every other pic on Instagram was a recipefail situation….you had things exploding, you burned your hand, you dropped something (I think glass)…you had the Pyrex explode too as you mentioned at the top of the post and then shortly after that, I had glass explode and thought of you.

    And that apple ice cream thing….you should have called it fabulous and posted it. No way that thing could be a snore :)

    Thanks for the trip down memory lane and I really really loved this post…because it shows me that not everything turns out every single time for any of us. But you do wayy better than most :)

    Reply

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    jessica lynn — December 26, 2011 @ 8:24 am

    This was awesome—LOVED the rhyming!—and very inspiring for a novice chef like me! I can’t see what mouth-watering creations you come up with in 2012!

    Reply

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    Kim {Recipes To Run On} — December 26, 2011 @ 8:30 am

    This is ADORABLE! What a fun post. I cannot even begin to imagine the work involved to clean up a pan of exploded brownies from your oven. And I loved your rhyme. Too too cute. Thanks for the big smiles this morning!!!

    Reply

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    Sommer J — December 26, 2011 @ 8:38 am

    Fails is what makes us better! And damn girl, you’ve got some skills. I love your honesty and integrity. Posting recipes your fans would love, and not just what would look pretty

    those last two sentence rhymed…look what you’ve done lol

    Anyway, I loved this post and I hope you get the recipes that didn’t go right, well, right!! I know when I have fails, I refuse to let it go. I do it again until it is RIGHT (dammit). Hope you had a Merry Christmas!! I must read last year’s, too!!

    Reply

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    Sally @ Spontaneous Hausfrau — December 26, 2011 @ 8:38 am

    What a fun post! All your pictures always look so appetizing and beautiful – it’s kinda reassuring to see that you have failures, too :)

    Reply

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    Miriam @ Overtime Cook — December 26, 2011 @ 8:46 am

    Aside from the fact that this is hilarious, I loved reading it because it encourages me. If someone as successful at baking as you are has kitchen failures, I shouldn’t be so afraid of them myself.

    Thank you!

    Reply

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    Kristen @ notsodomesticated — December 26, 2011 @ 8:56 am

    Wow, thank you for this post!! It definitely makes novice “chefs” (I use that term loosely) like me feel better!! I guess in my mind, I just hate WASTING food and money. So I get frustrated if something isn’t good. How do you get out of that mindset??

    Thanks again for the post … so cute! :)

    Reply

    • Jessica — December 26th, 2011 @ 9:02 am

      I agree that is the most difficult part. But I have always just looked at it as being my work and my business, and this happens in business you know? No matter what I have always put the blog first… So if it fails I just start over again!

      Reply

      • Kristen @ notsodomesticated — December 26th, 2011 @ 5:53 pm

        Good point! Since my cooking is NOT my business, I can’t look at it in quite the same way haha. But I do need to remember that like anything in life, it’s OK to sometimes make mistakes! ;)

  8. #
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    Ann — December 26, 2011 @ 8:58 am

    Fantastic! You’re such an amazing cook/baker/blogger that it’s almost comforting to see you’re just like us! Thanks!

    Reply

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    Amber — December 26, 2011 @ 9:01 am

    Those glass pans really do break into a milllion pieces… you wouldn’t think so- beautiful disasters!

    Reply

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    himbeeri — December 26, 2011 @ 9:18 am

    You just saved my day! I’m not alone with my failures. I love your blog.

    Reply

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    Cristy — December 26, 2011 @ 9:34 am

    Best. post. ever!! Nice to know I’m not the only one who has a food fail. Except mine happen ALL the time. Which is why I love your big cup of happy every day in my inbox. Yay you!

    :)

    Reply

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    chelsey @ clean eating chelsey — December 26, 2011 @ 9:36 am

    That was AWESOME. ha!

    Reply

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    Chrissy — December 26, 2011 @ 9:41 am

    I love it when you write poems! You have a serious talent! It’s one thing to throw something together that rhymes, but is funny?! That’s a challenge. Maybe someday you’ll write a children’s book about cooking. I’d buy that. For myself.

    Reply

    • Jessica — December 26th, 2011 @ 10:45 am

      Hahaha seriously?? Thanks so much but I must admit I wrote this is a sleepy stupor at 11:30 last night!

      Reply

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    Aimee @ ShugarySweets — December 26, 2011 @ 9:42 am

    Funny! Loved every verse. Especially this one,
    “Well that was a mess since I tried my own little twist…
    which left me starving and empty and pretty much pissed.”

    That’s totally how I feel when something goes awry! Happy New Year!

    Reply

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    Megan — December 26, 2011 @ 9:45 am

    I love that every time you rhyme it takes me half a post to figure it out! EVERY TIME!

    I’m looking forward to 2012′s recipes!

    Reply

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    Jennifer@Peanut Butter and Peppers — December 26, 2011 @ 9:53 am

    Your flops looks wonderful! I can’t wait to see what you have cooking next!

    Reply

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    Doux Rousse — December 26, 2011 @ 9:54 am

    I love this post! What a great way to look back on the bad things and see that they weren’t really a big deal at all.

    XO,
    Doux Rousse
    http://www.douxrousse.com

    Reply

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    Sommer@ASpicyPerspective — December 26, 2011 @ 9:57 am

    We all have those “happy” moments in the kitchen where its best if everyone gets out of our way. :)

    Merry Christmas!

    Reply

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    Gina @ Running to the Kitchen — December 26, 2011 @ 10:02 am

    Ha! it’s good to know others have epic fails too. I hate the feeling of throwing out food and having to “waste” it when it doesn’t come out right so episodes like these are usually followed by a big glass of wine to “forget” ;)
    Hope you had a great Christmas!

    Reply

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    MARY — December 26, 2011 @ 10:03 am

    Thank you! Iwas in awe of your rhyming. I ama also so pleased you have “issues”, too!.

    Reply

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    Mari — December 26, 2011 @ 10:08 am

    This is awesome! I could write a book full of recipe disasters, but sometimes I like the troubleshooting involved in getting it right! It’s cool to see your process though and how unpredictable working in the kitchen can be. Thank you for so many amazing recipes and looking forward to what you show us in 2012! Xo

    Reply

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    katie @KatieDid — December 26, 2011 @ 10:09 am

    hahaha wow I had no idea there was SO much else that goes on behind the scenes (and tons more than this I’m sure too). Makes me feel a little better about the general disaster I usually am in the kitchen. Happy New Year to you!

    Reply

  23. #
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    Donna — December 26, 2011 @ 10:15 am

    Great post! Made me smile and remember some of my epic failures fondly. :)

    Reply

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    Lori @ RecipeGirl — December 26, 2011 @ 10:42 am

    Love it. I’m totally photographing my flops this year!!

    Reply

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    Audra@the-baker-chick — December 26, 2011 @ 10:55 am

    Yoy are absolutely hilarious! Thanks for making us feel like we’re not the only ones who mess things up!

    Reply

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    Lizzy — December 26, 2011 @ 10:59 am

    Such a cute post! Nice to hear you are just as human as the rest of us.. and I’m happy you keep trying til you get the dishes right because your meals are spectacular : )

    Reply

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    Emily @ A Cambridge Story — December 26, 2011 @ 11:13 am

    This is fantastic! Well written, funny and refreshing to see that even the best cooks goof sometimes :)

    Reply

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    Katie — December 26, 2011 @ 11:15 am

    I love this post, so cleaver! I hope you consider the few mishaps worth it because I absolutely love the recipes that you post everyday, it is one of the highlights of my morning to read your blog. Thanks for all the great recipes and stories!

    Reply

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    The Mrs @ Success Along the Weigh — December 26, 2011 @ 11:15 am

    Well I am glad that I’m not the only one who has kitchen disasters. I’ll have to make sure I take pics of mine before chuckin them in the trash in disgust. ;-)

    Reply

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    30
    carrie — December 26, 2011 @ 11:19 am

    this post absolutely rocks. The food you make and share always looks so amazing (and I’ve made some recipes – confirmed: delicious!), it’s nice to know that even awesome cookers/bakers have some bad days! Happy 2012!

    Reply

  31. #
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    Erika - The Teenage Taste — December 26, 2011 @ 11:25 am

    Jessica, you are the rhyme master! Thanks for such a fun post, it’s nice to see I’m not the only one who has some crazy recipe fails!

    Reply

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    32
    Tali Simon @ More Quiche, Please — December 26, 2011 @ 11:38 am

    I saw your post on recipe disasters of 2010 one day while browsing and started looking forward to the 2011 edition. Love this!! (Makes me scared for my Pyrex, though. I have a nice stack and use them ALL the time.)

    Reply

  33. #
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    trang — December 26, 2011 @ 11:53 am

    best. post. ever! I loved every bit of it! Failures become perfections right? Happy Holidays to you and your family!

    Reply

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    Casey — December 26, 2011 @ 12:05 pm

    hahah this is too great!!

    Reply

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    M@myviewfromparis — December 26, 2011 @ 12:07 pm

    Unique recipes, clever quips, hilarious stories, entertaining recounts, mouth-watering photos and descriptions, and now, poetry! This is why you are my very favorite blogger. I can’t wait to see everything you come up with in 2012-successes, failures (which I’m pretty sure eventually lead to more amazing successes), and everything in between. And if it makes you feel better, even your failure pics made me really really hungry…

    Reply

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    Liz @ Tip Top Shape — December 26, 2011 @ 12:19 pm

    I never thought I would find a post that trumps your Tuesday Things but this might just be it. I am in absolute stitches over this!!

    Reply

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    Kim - Liv Life — December 26, 2011 @ 12:21 pm

    Wonderful post!! Oh, I’m SO there with you! Photographing pork? You are so correct, anything but cute. I have issues with meat loaf as well!!
    Better luck in 2012! Thank you for making us all feel better about our failures as well! (Only you said it better than any of us!!!)

    Reply

  38. #
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    J @ ... semplicemente j ... — December 26, 2011 @ 12:32 pm

    Very nice … loved the rhyming … I just had a disaster on Christmas Eve .. I wanted to do blini and had a new recipe that required rising … I was late and opted to use another recipe I found from the web … tried at least ten times and that was it … they kept sticking in my not stick pan … they kept burning … I finally gave up and toasted good bread instead … delicious … I was getting stressed and then I just gave up … should have taken a pic! Thanks for sharing!

    Reply

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    Jessica — December 26, 2011 @ 12:40 pm

    This is pretty much the best thing ever. Seriously, ever.

    Reply

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    Rachel @ Baked by Rachel — December 26, 2011 @ 12:53 pm

    Thanks for sharing. It’s great to know everyone has failures and mishaps in the kitchen. :)

    Reply

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    megan — December 26, 2011 @ 1:04 pm

    Love you. You’re awesome. I could share some killer fails myself from Christmas season alone….but the sucesses…oh those tasty, fattening, carb coma inducing successes :) Thanks for the Dr. Suess post and smiles and your unmatched dedication to us, your art and your blog!! You are my favorite! xoxo

    Reply

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    Hannah — December 26, 2011 @ 1:44 pm

    Great poem! Such fun!

    Reply

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    Hannah — December 26, 2011 @ 1:45 pm

    Amazing food flop poem- you even rhyme! *APPLAUSE* At least you’re normal with some flops throughout your food successes!

    Reply

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    NerdyBaker — December 26, 2011 @ 1:46 pm

    I was wondering why I still can’t toss the pictures of my baking fails. Now I know. Thanks for the inspiration. A hilarious post and nice to know I’m not alone!

    Reply

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    Kim in MD — December 26, 2011 @ 2:14 pm

    I’m so sorry that you have all of these fails, but the recipes that you post are always amazing, Jessica! This poem is so cute…it made me smile! ;-)

    Reply

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    Lisa Y — December 26, 2011 @ 2:15 pm

    Thank you thank you thank you! You’ve made me feel so much better about my attempts at cooking.

    Reply

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    Adrianna from A Cozy Kitchen — December 26, 2011 @ 2:17 pm

    HA! That pizza! I remember when I made it–they totally rolled off the pizza dough, too. Super lame. And cake pops…oh dear. I hear they’re hard to dip in chocolate. I’ll pass on those! :)

    Reply

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    Robin — December 26, 2011 @ 2:33 pm

    Awesome! Loved the rhyming and love following your adventures!

    Reply

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    Jackie — December 26, 2011 @ 2:45 pm

    Too funny and too cute!! And it’s so nice to hear we all have kitchen disasters sometimes… Although I think I might have had a heart attack hearing that pan of brownies explode in the kitchen! Hope your holidays were amazing!! Looking forward to what the Cookie Queen has in store for 2012:)

    Reply

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    Heather of Kitchen Concoctions — December 26, 2011 @ 3:01 pm

    Haha you are such a great poet! What a fun twist on the usual ‘recipe round-up’ you see on blogs this time of year! Glad to see you are human like the rest of us and have kitchen flops just as you make kitchen deliciousness!

    Reply

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